Last attempt at LC

[StayStrongNow]

I have tried LC with the ustbxBPDw as much as possible. The only contact needed is about our D10, D8 and S6 who live with me. Recently when she texts me about unreasonable demands that I won't get into and I respond with logical and legally based responses, she further responded that I should not be angry and that I should try smiling and have a happy face. Well, I sent back a response that just came to me based on all that I learned here at this site and elsewhere that gave me a feeling of arriving at a new level of recovery and growth.

First a little background, I have made many posts about the details before so I won't go deep into the weeds. Basically she is a pwBPD and for one, her form of self harm has been slitting her wrists and mixing alcohol with prescription and nonprescription drugs to medicate her abandonment issues. These issues include her allegedly physically abusive father and being used by boyfriends, moving a lot when younger, parents divorce, our 25 month old daughter's death, our divorce and various other things. Her BPD has resulted in multiple arrests including DV and alcohol related charges and convictions and citations involving DCFS.

My issues include codependency involved giving her what ever she wanted, trying to keep her happy so I could get that ego buzz of keeping that idealization stage going that lasted about 8 to 9 years. Basically after many long term non marriage committed r/s before her, I was attracted to this younger, bubbly woman and asked her to marry her after 3 months. During this 3 months time I saw signs of DV, self harm in when she slit her first wrist and drank heavily.  I told her to quit drinking and I would marry her. Ok there you have it, I admit it, even though I didn't know about BPD until 12 years later I know I made a huge mistake, oh how I know now!

Anyway I am still angered but now it's about the divorce details.  I have let go of her and I can honestly can state I do not care about her.  So here is my note I want to thank all of you in helping me text:

I am not angry, seems you really think so and now repeat it. I am not. I realize that you are in an idealization phase right now. I remember me being in that stage with you and it was good and good times.  But I have come to terms with the stages that followed: devaluation, discard and replacement and I have accepted this and I am truly moving on.

Just gives me peace every time I read it.  Honestly, she won't get it, there will be no light bulb that goes off. She is on meds now, probably resumed drinking with the replacement and as long as it did not mention money, she probably deleted it before reading the second word.

This text I sent her wasn't for her anyway, it was for me. And I like it!
 

[Mutt]

Hi StayStrongNow,

I think that you have the right idea for now with keeping the communication focused on D10,D8 and S6 and not wandering off into personal things with your ex because it can give a someone with a high conflict personality attention and opportunities to instigate conflict. I'm like you where I keep most my conversations focused solely on my kids and sometimes she'll try to bait, triangulate, try to make deals with me to have visitation with the kids on my time etc and I ignore all of it, I keep in my mind one of the most valuable tools that I learned here which is JADE. Don't justify, attack, defend or blame.

I am not angry, seems you really think so and now repeat it. I am not. I realize that you are in an idealization phase right now. I remember me being in that stage with you and it was good and good times.  But I have come to terms with the stages that followed: devaluation, discard and replacement and I have accepted this and I am truly moving on.

I'm happy to hear that you're arriving at acceptance with certain stages of your r/s but your text is on the JADEy side. I'm confused with your thread title "Last attempt at LC" What do you mean by that? Are you saying that you're going no contact?

Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

[StayStrongNow]

I greatly appreciate your constructive critizism. I never heard of JADE before and I certainly see that it can be an effective tool in LC. Yes I see my text was Jadey and now I think I should not have sent it. One because it did have JADE and 2 it did not do any good anyways, she's barking at me right now texting and demanding that I need to do something.

I will keep my communication void from JADE, that is great advice Mutt. Thank you.

My title was just using the word last as in the last text I sent. I cannot go NC because of the kids but I am trying LC as much as I can.

Thank you so much Mutt, you helped me before and now you trued my compass in a much better direction. Thanks again.

[Mutt]

Hi StayStrongNow,

I think it's a part of the learning process, I'm guilty of sending messages that were JADEy because I was hurt and I wanted the pain validated from my ex. It's something that she can't give to me because it triggers shameful feelings for her, so I processed that pain here in these boards. It took awhile to get it right but I think what's key is keep trying and don't be hard on yourself if you slip up it's all part of the learning process. Don't JADE provides peace when you have a high conflict ex in your life, it helps make life more emotionally manageable.