Three months NC, Houston we have our first email.

[lunchbox123]

It's been three months since I last spoke with my exBPDgf. We have a typical BPD past: 4 year relationship with 1.5 years living together, ending in a 1 year push-pull triangulation nightmare.

Last time we spoke I made it clear to never contact me again after she decided to go back to her ex. On that last call I let myself go, said everything that I ever wanted to, reminded her of all the terrible things she ever did but in the end I wished her well.

Ever since then I have been focussing on improving my life, dating other women and travelling. I have been seeing a therapist and things are generally well. Most of my therapy sessions haven't been about the things she did, at the beginning they were but now it's much more about examining voids she filled and how I can fill them in other ways.

I think about her all the time, every second thought is of her, but oddly they're not thoughts that I miss her. She just keeps popping up in my head, I think when being with someone for a long time you just associate so many things of daily life with them.

A few days ago the inevitable happened, I got the first email from her. It was expected, I know her so well; I know the way she thinks, how she reasons with herself, how she feels when certain things happen and of course how short lived those feelings are.

She writes (translated):

Dear Lunchbox123,

You know me better than anyone else. Deep in my heart I knew you would be right about the whole situation and I'm noticing more and more that you are. I ruined it, I didn't see the consequences of my actions and I hurt a lot of people. I hurt people so much, especially you. It was a long battle in which many things happened that never should have happened. From both sides I feel like there are no winners. I think about you a lot and I hope you enjoy the peace of not having me in your life. What remains is regret and I want to give you my sincerest apologies for everything I did to you and that I lost you because of it.

I'm typing this with tears in my eyes, I miss you and I don't know what to do.
How are you?

I'm sorry I contacted you.

For the most part I feel sympathy for her. I took so much of her crap and she's done horrible things to me but I know she's so conflicted within herself and lives with almost a split personality. I will get over this breakup, in due time she'll be a memory that comes back once in a while but is slowly fading. Yet she has to live with herself and this mess for the rest of her life, I hope she'll be okay.

[fromheeltoheal]

So what are you going to do about the email lunchbox?

[Rayban]

@lunchbox123

I feel for you. I left it off the same way with my BPDex.  I felt good for having the courage to tell her how I felt, I raised my voice that I wished her the best,  and told her never to contact me again.

The mistake was wishing her the best. It just leaves a door open for her to come knocking again. It's inevitable.  I know she derives great pleasure in being able to recycle me again.

Given time,  and her constant need for attention and validation, it's just a matter of when.  She could never get enough.  She could be with one of multiple replacements or with an orbiter, and decide she could score a major fix with an attachment that has strayed.

Mine would have no qualms about stalking me so that we speak face to face. She knows she could be irresistible in this way.

I've learned the end result is more devastation to my well being.  She will entice me with  sex, only to have access to my psyche.  She will devalue ib a malicious way. Make me regret my decision of leaving her. It's pure  he'll.  

My advice to anybody who has had the gutts to go no contact,  please stick by it.  I speak from experience.  Any interaction after that will be twice the he'll in trying to recover.  If she's not in treatment, the allure of amazing sex is just not worth the mins fick she will make you pay for.

Mine is an attention addict. Always on the prowl for an easy score. Don't succumb.  Let some other sap deal with her BS.

Get to the point where you've scripted a plan to escape the Siren if she initiates contact.  :)on't ever forget the reasons why you broke up in the first place.

Mine was a seasoned pro.  12 years of train.  12 years of knowing she is disordered, but has built up a support system that allows her  to function, dare I say thrive despite it. I see her developing a narcissistic streak, where she feels she is smart enough to get away with her actions.

I too know how she thinks and functions . She's mastered it to the point where she has no shame in her actions.

[badenergytroll]

For the most part I feel sympathy for her. I took so much of her crap and she's done horrible things to me but I know she's so conflicted within herself and lives with almost a split personality. I will get over this breakup, in due time she'll be a memory that comes back once in a while but is slowly fading. Yet she has to live with herself and this mess for the rest of her life, I hope she'll be okay.

These same thoughts go through my head every single day many times a day

[lunchbox123]

So what are you going to do about the email lunchbox?

What any sane person trying to detach from a BPD would do... .nothing! I read and reread it a few times but there's no way in hell I'm replying to it.

Even if I wanted to, she likely sent the email impulsively while she was feeling down about something and has now suppressed those feelings and is feeling fine again.

[StayStrongNow]

Houston, we have a problem.

[StayStrongNow]

Ground control here at bpdfamily has you covered if you read and use what they have learned.

Her letter really hit me about her crying. My stbxBPDw did the same and I caved in like a deck of cards. I have gone through the worst time of my life. So when I hear her crying I have no sympathy whatsoever, this is a gift BPDers have to charm and the case here I believe to convince you of her sincerity. Her motives are only for her personal gain.

[zeus123]

Lunchbox123 you are doing great, keep up the good work and remain NC. Yes of course you feel sympathy for her ! She knows how to tug relentlessly at your heart-strings when she's sobbing and telling you how much she loves you and How empty, alone, desperate and sad she is, and how much she misses you, and you probably feel compelled to offer solace and comfort, but don't. You definitely need this energy focused on you growing stronger and healthier. She will survive. SHE ALWAYS HAS. I am proud of you that you have maintained strict NC . Again keep up the good work!

[lunchbox123]

True to form two weeks after the email I mentioned in my original post she emailed me again.

She asked if we could talk or meet up, I suspected something might be up and was worried that the communication was going to escalate. She had also unblocked me on FB and WhatsApp. I sat on it for a few days and decided to reply, simply asking her "Why?".

She replied saying she missed me. We had a few emails back and forth in which I was very distant and short, one or two sentence replies if that. She said she was single and has new perspective from the therapy she's been having. She wanted to talk and put things right.

I ended it by telling her she can never put the things she did right, that I had warned her that this would happen, that she made irreparable damage to our relationship, that I have all the answers I need and have no interest in talking to her.

She never replied after that and is probably searching for a replacement as we speak.

I don't regret replying to her. However, I do wish she would never have contacted me. It set me back and I have been thinking about her a lot.

Thinking about her has also been good though, this time I'm looking at our relationship and her as a person much more objectively. I have detached a lot since our breakup and I've come to the realisation that even without the BPD a lot of her traits and lifestyle choices are not what I desire in a partner. She has a much more open mind about monogamy, it gives me shivers down my spine to think about sharing a partner.

It makes me very sad to see that the girl who I thought I would be with for the rest of my life is falling back into her old roots. I thought she changed and matured but sadly she's hasn't. I still feel like she's willing watching her own shatter into pieces before her eyes because of her disorder but only realises what has happened once she hits rock bottom and no one is there to help her back up.

[myself]

When you're done, you're done.
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