NC team

[uniquename]

Kc,
Can I ask why you don't just block her on Facebook? No contact is no contact.

[kc sunshine]

Because blocking her would mean unfriending her (that's how it works on facebook, right), and my long term big picture goal is to detach with the possibility of friendship. I've unfollowed her and all our mutual friends, so that is something.

[uniquename]

Yeah I started with unfollow. Then I would check it all the time... .

Then he unfriended me. But after the latest break-in/suicide threat ordeals, along with the protective order now, it felt right. I found myself still checking his public profile for changes.

I think if you're no contact and she is with someone else, might as well block and if you somehow end up friends (sorry I don't know your history but my T would be very skeptical of that) then you guys can work through the whole Facebook blocking issue.

You can only change you. If you are driving yourself crazy thinking of checking her Facebook, it's my suggestion to make it easier on yourself. But I can't change you anymore than you can change her.

NC Team FTW!

[kc sunshine]

Yeah, good points uniquename! But defriending just seems so dramatic... .I'd rather just work to resist checking right now... .so far so good, even though it has been tough. Would you have blocked if he hadn't?

Yeah I started with unfollow. Then I would check it all the time... .

Then he unfriended me. But after the latest break-in/suicide threat ordeals, along with the protective order now, it felt right. I found myself still checking his public profile for changes.

I think if you're no contact and she is with someone else, might as well block and if you somehow end up friends (sorry I don't know your history but my T would be very skeptical of that) then you guys can work through the whole Facebook blocking issue.

You can only change you. If you are driving yourself crazy thinking of checking her Facebook, it's my suggestion to make it easier on yourself. But I can't change you anymore than you can change her.

NC Team FTW!

[naguma]

First 3-6 months are absolute hell. No sleep, watching youtube at all hours, wishing you would accomplish something meaningful, etc.
Stick with it, it becomes easier.

[gotbushels]

I understand where you're coming from kc sunshine with the not blocking thing. I didn't block my ex on my phone but if she was on my FB, I probably would. I wouldn't have wanted her seeing anything about my friends or I. I also don't want to figure out how to do the privacy settings thing. Yet our bases are different: you have a long-term idea of being friends with her but I do not.

I guess what makes it easier for me is that (1) I do have ex partners that I am "healthy" friends with, and I know what that "ought" to look like; and (2) I can readily defend my decision against myself too so that also makes it easier, I feel.

If I was in your position I guess I might worry that it might make me look "weak" in the sense that I "can't" deal with her presence on my FB. It may also add one "point" to me being the unstable one--it might look dramatic. Some also consider the "knee-jerk" cutoff is a "less healthy" action than something like controlled distance. The reason why is convoluted so I'll leave that out.

These are fair points but in my mind they are worth much less than the life I'd have if I didn't have to bother with her things at all. It's a personal decision and I don't think there's a right answer anyway.

Good luck with your choice. 

[Zinnia21]

Hi there kc, I'm one month in (a wet sounding round of applause is going off in my head, with like, 3 people in the audience... .)  like... .Woo...     Hoo...

Sounds tough to have this imposed on you. Under what circumstances did this come about? Only if you can handle repeating the story, apologies, I don't know it, but am here to listen if you like:) I only ask because it seems less usual that the pwBPD creates an 'official' NC and a pre arranged ST, if that makes any sense? Normally it seems they just go erratic and then sorta disappear. Or enact an illogical sudden cut off. This all sounds quite rational and planned, the likes of which I never saw with my ex!...

This is discard #4 for me, they've all been different but all hellish in their own way. I understand the waking up thing!

Have you thought to 'unfollow' her on fb? That way you can't see her posts but she can still see yours... But if that's not enough to stop the temptation to look, I'd probably block. I can't bear to look at my ex and his life on fb. Makes an awful knot in my stomach and taints the whole day, maybe even the whole week!

[uniquename]

Yeah, good points uniquename! But defriending just seems so dramatic... .I'd rather just work to resist checking right now... .so far so good, even though it has been tough. Would you have blocked if he hadn't?

That's great you have been resisting checking.

Like I said, I started with unfollow and he unfriended later. I was relieved when he did that truly cause I was checking at least every couple days (usually more often) and could see everything. Once he unfriended, I could only see the public information or if he tagged a mutual friend (like our daughter, which he did just after unfriending) I could see that. I didn't block him until after I got the protective order AND it was served and then it was a couple days later. That's because I wanted to post something on a friend's public timeline that I didn't want him to see, but really I had been checking his public profile a lot too. It wasn't changing. It's hard, right? So I did it for me. I feel much better now.

When you say it seems dramatic, it sounds like you are afraid of something as a result of blocking. I think you're saying you're afraid you'll lose the possibility of friendship. Is that all?

Granted, our situations are VERY different as the no contact in my case is ordered by law. I had asked to allow him email contact about family law issues and the judge said no. No contact until the next hearing. I told her "My therapist would be happy with you," and got a good laugh. I don't know if any of this helps you but I hope it does.

Stay strong.

[kc sunshine]

Hi Zinnia21! Congrats on one month! And no I don't mind at all! It came about under strange circumstances... .I'd been away and was coming back in to town. She was all interested in seeing me, and wanted to see me right away, the morning after I arrived. She stopped over on her way to work. She had written that she had wanted to catch up and things were going well I thought-- we were keeping it light, and just focused on upbeat and non-relationship stuff. There were some odd behaviors, like she looked through the mail and in all the rooms of the house... .like she was suspicious of me. Anyway, she then said that she didn't want to be dramatic but that we wouldn't be seeing each other again and that she didn't want to talk to me. What hurt was the dramatic turn-around-- it made me think that I did or said something wrong in the get together. Her saying that opened the gates on "relationship talk" and I asked her if she was serious with her new girlfriend-- she said it was and that the new girlfriend was moving in the next day (after only seeing each other for 6 weeks!) I stayed calm and supportive about it, but man, crazy. A few days later, after being triggered by her facebook posts, I called and asked for more clarification about why NC after she was so adamant about being in touch and she said that she didn't want to have to deal with the conflicting emotions she felt when she saw me. That is understandable and I can live with that. She also said that "sometimes it takes her a long time to make a decision and sometimes it is quick." I'm not sure what she means by that-- maybe that it took her a long time to figure out that I'm not the one for her? Or that the realization came quickly when we were talking? She also said that she had wanted to see me but that she doesn't anymore. Ouch.

I have different, somewhat conflicating interpretations of it all. Here are some of them:

Taking what she said at face value: she does feel conflicted and ambivalent about me and would prefer not to have to experience those emotions.

Punishment: She's very mad at me (even though she broke up, discarded and replaced me, etc) and this is her last weapon to hurt me-- reeling me in yet again (though this time in a friendship way) to cut me off.

Her relationship smarts/good boundaries: She's bad at other people's boundaries but good at her own-- she knows how to make them and keep them. She's had lots of practice.

Guilt: Maybe she was coming over in a more than friendship way and then felt guilty about it in terms of her other relationship and had to stop herself in her tracks.

Anyway, that's the story and those are my interpretations! What do you all think?

Hi there kc, I'm one month in (a wet sounding round of applause is going off in my head, with like, 3 people in the audience... .)   like... .Woo...    Hoo...

Sounds tough to have this imposed on you. Under what circumstances did this come about? Only if you can handle repeating the story, apologies, I don't know it, but am here to listen if you like:) I only ask because it seems less usual that the pwBPD creates an 'official' NC and a pre arranged ST, if that makes any sense? Normally it seems they just go erratic and then sorta disappear. Or enact an illogical sudden cut off. This all sounds quite rational and planned, the likes of which I never saw with my ex!...

This is discard #4 for me, they've all been different but all hellish in their own way. I understand the waking up thing!

Have you thought to 'unfollow' her on fb? That way you can't see her posts but she can still see yours... But if that's not enough to stop the temptation to look, I'd probably block. I can't bear to look at my ex and his life on fb. Makes an awful knot in my stomach and taints the whole day, maybe even the whole week!

[kc sunshine]

NC Day 9

Here's on my to do list for today:

Writing
Administrative tasks
exercise with my mom and help her bathe (done!)
laugh with my mom
have a fun night with my kids
yoga

[pjstock42]

Somewhere around 40-50 days of NC now and it's almost seemed... .too easy?

I had the initial attempt from her to want to meet up and talk about things, then saying she wanted to "stay friends" but after I shut those down and said that I don't want any communication with her, she hasn't tried anything. I always hear about attempts to "recycle" and sometimes I wonder why it isn't happening in my case although I suppose I should consider myself lucky for that and not question it.

There is one event coming up that poses a slight challenge. After jointly signing a lease with me and having me move out of my way to live near her new job, her sudden discard left me living here alone, paying the full rent and having to work with the landlord to figure out a way to escape the lease early. One thing she mentioned in the early group emails with me and the landlord was that she was expecting to get the entire security deposit back because she was the one who wrote the check (I gave her cash at the time). Part of this is just her cold & vindictive nature but I'm also wondering if she wants to do this to maintain some kind of power over me as she said that she would give me back my half on her own.

I don't want to deal with this at all and I'd rather lose the money than have to exchange even one email with her. I told my landlord (who has been very nice & accommodating throughout this) to please give me back my half directly and the same with her. I also said that if she puts up any kind of fight against this, to just give it to her and not worry about it since I hate dragging him into this mess. I feel like she will make a big deal out of this and give him a hard time so I'm expecting to never see this money again but I'm also thinking she may try to be holding it over to me in order to get me to break NC and have to set up some sort of transfer/hand off of the money.

I've always read that pwBPD hate losing attachments but she seems to have been able to do so with me without even ever having a second thought about it. I know she was cheating near the end of things so my best guess is that she is already fully into the infatuation / love-bombing with her new target which means that she has no reason to care if I even exist anymore.

Anyway, I'm already out over 3 grand as a result of her discard and all the lies surrounding it so what's another $1000 as some kind of fee to prevent having to deal with her at all?

[kc sunshine]

I have one more interpretation:

She is still triggered by her old triggers with me, and she doesn't want to be triggered anymore. That makes sense even if I wish it were otherwise.

I have different, somewhat conflicating interpretations of it all. Here are some of them:

Taking what she said at face value: she does feel conflicted and ambivalent about me and would prefer not to have to experience those emotions.

Punishment: She's very mad at me (even though she broke up, discarded and replaced me, etc) and this is her last weapon to hurt me-- reeling me in yet again (though this time in a friendship way) to cut me off.

Her relationship smarts/good boundaries: She's bad at other people's boundaries but good at her own-- she knows how to make them and keep them. She's had lots of practice.

Guilt: Maybe she was coming over in a more than friendship way and then felt guilty about it in terms of her other relationship and had to stop herself in her tracks.

Anyway, that's the story and those are my interpretations! What do you all think?

Hi there kc, I'm one month in (a wet sounding round of applause is going off in my head, with like, 3 people in the audience... .)   like... .Woo...    Hoo...

Sounds tough to have this imposed on you. Under what circumstances did this come about? Only if you can handle repeating the story, apologies, I don't know it, but am here to listen if you like:) I only ask because it seems less usual that the pwBPD creates an 'official' NC and a pre arranged ST, if that makes any sense? Normally it seems they just go erratic and then sorta disappear. Or enact an illogical sudden cut off. This all sounds quite rational and planned, the likes of which I never saw with my ex!...

This is discard #4 for me, they've all been different but all hellish in their own way. I understand the waking up thing!

Have you thought to 'unfollow' her on fb? That way you can't see her posts but she can still see yours... But if that's not enough to stop the temptation to look, I'd probably block. I can't bear to look at my ex and his life on fb. Makes an awful knot in my stomach and taints the whole day, maybe even the whole week!

[kc sunshine]

NC day 9 over here-- fellow NCErs. How are you all doing? What are you doing to focus on yourselves, your dreams, your new life?

[uniquename]

I've lost track of how many days now - think we're NC Day 9 or so too. I'm not doing great with self-care. I could go to a CODA meeting tonight (which is focusing on me but also him) but I'm thinking nah cause I need to relax tonight. Might watch something distracting - movie, Parks & Rec. I loved Gilmore Girls and done now. Has anyone seen Parenthood? Since I love Lauren Graham now was thinking of watching that but worried about triggers. I saw Bad Moms Saturday night and it was both hilarious and incredibly triggering so stressful too.

[chillamom]

Good morning from undoubtedly the least successful member of the NC team... .I"M TRYING BUT IT"S SO HARD.  I least I have not seen him in one whole week, so that's a milestone.  However, it's SO easy for him to manipulate me with pleas for sympathy, and tearful messages about how lonely he is, so I DO end up responding.  I FEEL AWFUL about that, and there is no self-care here (unless you consider a pint of Ben and Jerry's to be self-care... .).  I'm kinda worried about keeping my physical distance as well, because my three daughters (27, 18 and 18) are off on a "sister trip" to Canada and won't be back till next week.  He wants to come get his stuff, and they have BEGGED me not to let him anywhere near the house until they return (not that I want them here when HE'S here, but they don't want me to be alone with him, and neither do I).  On the other hand, I feel so damn sorry for him, and that's the ploy that's always worked before.  Now he just wants to be a "friend" and see me "whenever I can" and he "understands there's no hope for the future but he just needs a companion" and similar crap.  Posting this is helping in and of itself, thank you.  As for today, I shall use the silence in my home to finally get my syllabi together for my fall classes, and perhaps watch something philosophical like "The Little Prince" on Netflix.  I'm trying, folks, please don't kick me off the team!

[kc sunshine]

No way would we ever kick you off the team Chillamom! And if there is a competition for worst, I would totally win-- this is like my 30th NC try! Dang. The thing that makes this one different is that my BPDex imposed it--and she has the willpower and self-possession to make it stick. I guess that's something I can learn from her. That sounds great about your syllabi! I'm a professor too .

I love your plan too uniquename! Let me know if Parenthood is good! I'm thinking of taking the kids to Ghostbusters tonight. Has anyone seen it?

Today for me: swimming, movie, laughing with kids, writing, travel planning.

[Zinnia21]

Hi kc, thanks for sharing your story!
Now you have filled me in, I can see how she got your hopes up and then dashed them, that's the worst! I think we get into the habit of receiving what seems like a 'positive' communication from them, thinking they are possibly reconsidering, and we don't want to ask any firm questions before seeing them, in case it rocks the boat or changes their mind. So we go off, with hopes, and see them, only to be de valued again a minute later! Well, it's true for me anyway. This scenario happened with me and my ex a lot during breakups where I was still wondering... .
He'd say lets meet up only to come along and make a harsh judgement of me and leave again.

She obviously has an attachment to you still, to seek you out like that, perhaps the sudden split second devaluing was based on seeing you and fearing getting close to you again. So to stop the feelings she has for you she has to devalue you and cut off completely... .or something? If anything, I would take the devaluing as a compliment rather than a rejection. if that makes any sense... ?

Is it possibly that your r/s is too real and too hard for her as she has to face herself and take responsibility to stay in a serious r/s... ? And maybe that the replacement was an easy way out, and is also the thing that makes NC easy for her to stick to... She has a distraction in place. But in the long run, she's not growing as a person or fixing her relationship behaviours if she has jumped ship like that.
Nothing can fix those trust issues she has apart from work and commitment to getting help by the sounds of it. The fact she was rifling through your stuff, well it's a classic BPD thing of course, but not something a good r/s can be built on. Mine did the same over and over. Couldn't get over the tiniest this that happened from 2 yrs ago. I finally realised that the only terms we could be together on would be him getting serious help. It didn't happen in time, and now it's over. I guess we both know it's unhealthy. And takes lots of work to change those untrusting habits. Did she ever do therapy or anything?

I hope you're going ok today. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better (NC), but it is starting to get better little by little for me. Just saying that don't be shocked if week 2 or 3 seems harder than the start. And be reassured that just a little while after that, from what I hear, you'll be very glad you followed through with it! I'm up and down, but it's progressively getting better.

We can't live in that push/pull forever right... ? Keep going. You deserve someone loving and reliable who doesn't run away 

[VitaminC]

Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better (NC), but it is starting to get better little by little for me. Just saying that don't be shocked if week 2 or 3 seems harder than the start.

I'd just like to agree with Zinnia 21 here. That was true for me too. After the initial relief and sense of freedom, about the third week in I got very low. And that lasted for a couple of weeks, in my case. It surprised me at the time, but if I think about it, it makes sense.

Once things had quieted down and I wasn't in the midst of all the drama and confusing behaviours and self-doubt - once I wasn't just fire-fighting in emergency mode - things began to bubble up for me. I remembered all kinds of hurtful and nice things and was pretty much floored by all the images and film clips in my head. I felt really tired for a few weeks, so I just took it easy and minimized my social contact (which, although I am ordinarily very social was just wearing me out more) and rested myself.

I kept to very close friends and activities I enjoyed. I tried to not put pressure on myself. I tried to accept that recovery from a psychological upheaval had a physical counterpart. I spent a lot of time here. I let myself work through it slowly and it all began to lift gradually.

In fact, I learned to pay attention to how I felt and what I needed and how to take care of myself. There's another thread about "borderline school" - this is one of the modules in it

[DazedD40]

I can't remember how long I've been in NC now! I think it's around a month or so! I kinda don't want to keep track of it if that makes sense?

I'm moving on and trying not to look back to much as hard as it is. I decided to follow her lead and went on a dating site and as a result I'm talking with a few girls and going out on dates. I slept with a girl last weekend and man alive it was so weird being with someone else and tbh I didn't really enjoy it but hey it's ticked off the list and I feel that's me moving away from her slightly. I have a few dates coming up which will hopefully go ok.

I'm sensing that I'm pushing things back a little and maybe running away but I know that I'm not going to be going back nor is she going to come back which is fine as now I'm starting to see things objectively and although I'm still all over the shop I know I'm in a much better place than I was a month ago. I'm eating, sleeping and not waking up feeling dread and despair.

I think I'm running away from her and I'm aware that i need therapy at some point but I'm just going to carry on doing what I'm doing and taking care of myself and rebuilding my self esteem and confidence by dating other girls and working hard.

She made the choice to discard me so I'm keeping my dignity in check and refusing to contact her or check her social media activity. I have it on good advice that I don't need to go looking. I've also changed my phone number, email and changed my iCloud details so she can't contact me via that.

[DreamerGirl]

DazedD40 I totally relate to where you are right now.

Tomorrow will be 7 weeks NC... apart from his lame text two weeks ago, which I didn't respond too. 

I know you can't force the healing, but I do think getting out there and meeting new people and dating, helps.  If only as a distraction at this point, but it is retraining our brains into accepting the end of the relationship.

DazedD40 I also went out on a date over a week ago, which set me emotionally back. I know I'm not really ready for anything serious, but I want to keep casually dating and moving forward, because sitting at home, ruminating over him, is causing me pain and anxiety. 

This week, the cycle of my grief has mostly been 'anger'.  This will change, of which I have no doubt, but right now, I'm happy to have the anger because it's much easier to deal with than the crippling sadness.  Soon to come, there will be moments of acceptance. 

Well done to all of us for sticking to our NC and for looking after ourselves.

[greenmonkey]

For everyone who is struggling with NC it is very hard to begin with, but the mot important thing to remember is the person we fell in love wasn't real - it was an act a mirage - and what happened afterwards with the abuse, silent treatments, rages etc hit us so very hard.

You will all get through it and emerge as an upgraded better person (a Version 2 (remember Big Bang theory). Don't rush it, try and avoid dates and getting back into a relationship, socialise, have fun, cycle, take up a sport - if you want to get everything out of your head - get an online blog - write it all down (keep it private), that on its own is very therapeutic.

My ex of 20 odd months NC has done and is doing everything to get me to break no contact, including ID Fraud, Credit Fraud, Insurance Fraud, stalking, silent calls, flying monkeys etc. All I am doing is getting relevant authorities involved as and when needed, blocking her on my phone, FB and LinkedIn so I can get on with my life.

Life really does get better, and better. I am very happily single, take notice of red flags and walk away, I have great and loyal friends and a job I love. I did not let my ex destroy me neither should you.

[kc sunshine]

Hi all,

Day 11 of NC over here. Yesterday was a hard one, and I almost checked her facebook. I felt more angry at my ex than I have in while and instead of driving me away from her, I was thinking more of her. Luckily I didn't check facebook. Yesterday was also tough with my sick mom, so maybe my emotions about that are bleeding over to my feelings/detaching about my ex. On today's detachment work list:

drive home-- listen to a book on tape with the kids?
laugh with my mom
swim if possible or some other exercise.

[uniquename]

Greenmonkey,
Thanks so much for the great advice and hope. It's funny I go to NAMI family support group and when people share that things are going well for them they often express that they're sorry given the crap the rest of us are going through. To me though it's very helpful and I appreciate them coming and your response - it lets me know that they went through what I went through and they are ok. Often their relative (just like yours) is still seriously mentally ill. The change is in us and our reactions and acceptance. I find it very encouraging.

Kc - Stay strong. I still find blocking to be relieving but here's my shame - which I will not beat myself up over. My daughter accidentally left her phone home and I used it to see his Facebook. I still consider that NC but I violated her trust (hopefully she never finds out) and it didn't help me in any way either. He's presenting fine there (kind of as expected). My permanent protective order hearing is Monday. One of the hardest parts is thinking he may truly get better and be the man I fell in love with and I'll have detached so much he won't want to reconcile. I know it's a fantasy. But it's a lot easier (and harder) to see his disordered self and take these actions I know I need to take to protect myself and 16D. Thanks for listening.

[fromheeltoheal]

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