She abandoned our relationship as if it was nothing.

[FallBack!Monster]

Even to this day, I can't believe it really happened.  She abandoned our friendship as if it was nothing.  I say friendship because that's what I believe in.  I don't believe in bf or gf. idk I think its probably to much pressure for me to see it that way.  If I'm romantically involved, I would introduce by name. Only if or when asked if we are dating I would validate. But in my mind, that's my awesome friend.

I remember one day we were laying on the bed, having one of those intimate moments.  I couldn't stop watching her.  Not because I was so in love or like with her but because I couldn't wrap around my head the thought that one day she was going to act as if I meant nothing to her.  She asked what I was looking at and I replied just what I said above shook her head and said girl you crazy, that's not going to happened and turned her head away.

I had already started researching her odd behavior. PD and mostly BPD bc of all the red flags.  Research kept pointing me in that direction. I guess I ignored what made me feel more at ease, but still studied her as if was going to write a thesis on the subject of BPD.  I never changed with her I just watched her behavior.  Whenever she did something BPDish   is like I expected that being that I had read a something, where I similar situation happened and how the person with BPD handled it.  She never went off script.  I know you're probably thinking I wasn't treating her like a human being.  As of matter of fact, I did.  I was kind, friendly, funny, inviting, and helpful.  She just seem to be looking for company on everything she was going to do.  So was I not to to EVERYTHING with me. Just some company.  

The main reasons why I watched (not to be confused with stare) her are the following,
I felt good being around her.  We laughed a lot.  Although I found her sharing and details a bit to too graphic, I listened.  I never believed the whole story; I must say.  From day one I always thought her stories had a lot of holes in it.  But I let her tell it.  I did judge the stories in my head but if they were real to her who am I to kill it.  After all, it wasn't my story.  It was hers.

Another reason why I watched and couldn't stop was because I had never met anyone that damn strange.  One moment she was fun and the next she would tell you the darkest of her past.  One funny thing was that I could always tell when one of her exs walked away from her or if she wasn't completely satisfied that a r/s had ended bc she would give him a PD.  She would say things like I think he had this or that bc of this or that, and guess what w/o knowing, I was validating it.  Sh*t for all I know it could be true.  But unquestionably, I knew it will all be over one day.  This person that I'm looking at, who seems she could not get enough of me, even when I'm asking her to get away, would one day not care to know me. BUT I just couldn't see it happening.  I knew it would but I just could not see it.  Then one day I noticed, stating with less calls. Way more excuses than usual, then less answers/less call backs, Then no calls.  Then less texts, then less replies, then shorter replies, then no replies/more excuses, then nothing at all.

One good thing and one bad thing.
You would think that because I anticipated it wouldn't hurt me but no.  Reality finally hit me and it scared me.  It hurt me.  I was in disbelieve.  The only good thing was that she didn't leave me in a state of shock like I believe lot of folks in similar situations are left.
Believe it or not, as soon as I noticed the changes, I began my recovery.
When I missed her I'd say to myself, this would go away.  I have to deal with it.  I've had worse things happen to me and I was able to smile again.  This and other encouraging words to myself.  I cannot say that I'm 100% over the whole thing, but I can say " I will be alright."

She was around me almost everyday for almost a year. She did the whole love bombing, victim act, neediness, smear campaign, triangulation, tantrums, projecting, the whole nine yards.  Those who never got the chance to remain close friends, were probably not suppose to.  The ones that are still with me are the ones that were meant to be.  I seen it lived through it and I survived it.  That's the good news.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi SnapOut-

And Welcome!  It sounds like you've been through a lot, and it's good you found your way here.

I cannot say that I'm 100% over the whole thing, but I can say " I will be alright."

It sounds from reading your post it's done and you're already moving through the stages of detachment.

Have you noticed the five stages of detachment over there ---------->

What stage do you consider yourself on?

[FallBack!Monster]

Thank you fromheeltoheal
I can identify with stage 4.

[fromheeltoheal]

I can identify with stage 4.

Nice!  Beyond your initial post, can you share with members what you've gone through so far in your detachment, specifically what emotions and stages were involved?

[FallBack!Monster]

I can identify with stage 4.

Nice!  Beyond your initial post, can you share with members what you've gone through so far in your detachment, specifically what emotions and stages were involved?

To be honest, that question takes me out of my comfort zone which is why I'm willing to answer it.
Using your five stages as a guideline... .

Acknowledgment:
I accepted that the sudden detachment was hurting me and that I did miss her. Instead of fighting myself with denial.  I also accepted that the woman is sick and had I met her while I was working in a mental institution I wouldn't have gotten personal with her.  But bc I met her in more of a social setting, for some reason I thought it was okay.

Self_Inquiry & Processing:
Ask myself how I was really feeling once it was obvious that it was over.  Like I mentioned, I was hurting, I missed who I thought she was.  Why I messed her?  Would I want her back? for what? and was having her around healthy for me? Was I doing this just bc I fell for her victim stories? and I concluded that I did it for all the reasons above but also because it brought a sense of excitement to my life.  90% of what I went through with her I could've done without for the rest of my life, but there was a certain degree of excitement in knowing her.  I did learn somethings... .much about PDs as well as about myself.  :)on't want to get into details about what a learned about myself.  But I will say... .I wish I knew then what I know now.

Creative action:
No details here either, but the gym is one. I signed up about a month later.  Why? because everyone needs it.  :)on't we? Besides, working out is important to me and after a good workout I've always felt better about my day/self.

What this helpful?
 

[fromheeltoheal]

What this helpful?

Oh yes, not only for other members, but for you.  Many of us report that the gift of the relationship, after we're out and somewhat detached, is the personal growth that it inspired, and that seems true for you too yes?

but also because it brought a sense of excitement to my life.

That's common, something about the way a borderline attaches makes us feel alive, for a time, and then some say fighting for their lives.  Lots of value there, what parts of us did that touch, and were they always there or brought by our partner?  And how can we access them more sustainably and stably moving forward?

[FallBack!Monster]

That r/s was no gift to me. Every relationship good or bad teaches you something. there's nothing special about dating someone with BPD.  Except for the fact that after that they swear they have some delusional type of connection with the ex.

That's common, something about the way a borderline attaches makes us feel alive, for a time, and then some say fighting for their lives.  Lots of value there, what parts of us did that touch, and were they always there or brought by our partner?  And how can we access them more sustainably and stably moving forward?

I give her no credit. Its like giving my mom credit for being herself.  My dream "rest of my life thought"  it to one day wake up and forget that I ever met a person like that.

How can one grow to fully love themselves if we're steady given our power to someone that doesn't know to care for anyone. 

"I" did my own research. "I" licked my own wounds.  "I" am creating a new life for my self. "I" am as strong as I am because of who I am.  Which has to do with life experiences. But no credit for those who came with a script. 

"I" realized that my feelings for that woman were as superficial as her ideas of me.  "I" would love nothing but to never see her again, not even in a picture.

One thing I would give her credit for... .She turned me into a story teller and that's not a good thing.  Once I saw who she really is, the friends she keeps, the places she frequented, the online activities, the lifestyle she chooses to live, I remember that i had read about women like her and yup.  There I was researching online (just for her) how to become a good liar.  Yes sir, I started to mirror her and her lying behind.  Fake smiles, friendly (I didn't do nothing) type of greetings, the whole nine.

I knew that the more love I showed the sooner she would run.  I knew if I was overly emotional that would drive her nuts.  I am naturally affectionate but with her, extra extra  .  The more bpdfamily and other sites I visited, the more I did. 

Don't get me wrong, I did care for her and enjoyed the smoke screen at first.  But when I notice she was playing a roll, game on.  I did more than ever before.  I started using the words "I love you" with her.  Never ever had I used it before with her.  I also called A LOT, text A LOT,  said sorry A LOT, one minute I was sending her love songs, love notes, the next I was cursing her out and calling her names. I also asked to see her A LOT more than ever.  Before I realized "the game" I use to ask her why doesn't she stay home sometimes.  Once I started to give her A LOT, she backed away; slowly but surely. 

I was still surprise how fast it happened. Still in disbelieve but coming to terms that that's what was happening.  In fact, the "extra" tlc was a test.  I won't say she failed bc she actually passed.
If you want to talk about value, here's a valuable lesson... .If don't like it done to you, don't do it to others.

I do feel bad for her bc of her condition but not at the expense of my life and my love ones.

[Sadly]

I sense huge amounts of anger, are you really where you think you are?

[FallBack!Monster]

I sense huge amounts of anger, are you really where you think you are?

As far as I know this is a place e where nons should feel free to express their thoughts w/o  being invalidated. Or is this a pro pwBPD forum?  Or maybe I am limited to what I can say?

Also, when you say "sense" huge amounts of anger. I'm "sensing" judgement. But I'm givingn your comments the benefit of the doubt. I believe that everyone is are entitled to their own perception.

I will probably have nothing to say when I reach level 5. But u til then, 4.

[Sadly]

No no, it wasn't meant like that at all and believe me if you knew my story you would know I would never ever sit in judgement on anyone. When I asked " are you where you really think you are" I meant in your healing process, not these boards. I asked the question genuinely. In my case anger blinded me for a while and I believed I was well on my way to recovery, then the more I learnt about the BPD illness the anger left me and I am now in a horrifying place of misery and unhappiness. I truly wish I could be moved on from this, I seem to wobble between all stages with no clear lines. Please forgive me if I have hurt you in anyway, I can't do any more hurt right now, not mine or anyone else's.

[FallBack!Monster]

Sadly, when you accused me of not being on the level I know that I am, that made me angry.  . But there will be times When I'd get angry thinking about my family's pain. And I think that's OK. It doesn't take away from all the efforts I've put in to leave this experience behind me. Thanks for replying y'all.

[Sadly]

I haven't accused you of not being on the level? I haven't accused you of anything! Why would I?
I said I could sense anger and was concerned that maybe it was making you feel more healed than you were, because that is what happened to me. I thought I had just clearly explained this in my response. I don't understand why you are saying this about not being on the level.
Anger is healthy but don't be angry at me, you have completely misunderstood my response to your post. I don't like this. I come here for help and to try help others out of my own experiences. I'm pleased you are so strong and are dealing so well with everything. I'm not, I'm in f*****g bits, thanks a bunch. Am not coming back now.

[Turkish]

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