31days NC I don't know how longer I can take it

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I knew last week that while things were "ok" before, I was about to crash again, I was right.

I started seeing someone nice last week, we saw each other 5 times since then, she lives close by and when I met her, I had some concerns from what I'v learned in my past relationships, they proved to be nothing really and turns out this girl actually looks like someone nice to invest a relationship with, she's just shy.

The problem began after we had sex on our 4th date, it wasn't bad at all, just wasn't as good as my ex and felt like there was something missing. I had realized before that I was doing some idealization after meeting this girl and I knew right from the get go this wasn't real and that I should evaluate reality, not idealization.

On the 5th date (this Saturday) we were watching tv and I started to remember my ex and got teary for a while, thankfully she didn't see it. After that moment I have only gotten worse.

On Sunday I believe, I was on Facebook and something popped up of hers on my news feed (not blocking her is making things really hard, but I can't... .), she had confirmed a presence in a party this Friday and one of her girl friends had reacted to it, by those things I concluded that my replacement hadn't lasted as long as I thought he would and that may have given me a bit of hope. I dreamed about my ex on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, I woke up all those days in the middle of the night worrisome and unable to sleep.

On Tuesday I saw a post from a friend of mine who's leaving the country soon and wanted to invite everyone to a going away party on Friday, THE SAME PARTY MY EX IS GOING. That hit me hard, I had no way of going to my friend's going away party and I knew my ex would be in a party with a lot of my friends while wanting to snag another victim or just make out. After that, sleeping was hard and I had the nightmare, I dreamed I was at the party with my friends and her and I remember of feeling desperation, then we got back together and I suddenly felt empty... I woke up too early again and felt tired the whole week until now.

Meanwhile this week had been hectic for me and for this girl I have been dating, we won't be able to see each other until Friday night or Saturday. I couldn't really imagine seeing anyone else other then my ex after Sunday, that feeling is terrible... .I know tomorrow s... .will hit the fan.

Tuesday would have been "our day", my ex liked to celebrate every month, that made things a bit harder and I came really close to reaching out to her that day and I'm still really wanting to talk to her... .I have a feeling like there is a lot of things I wanted to get of my chest and I can only do it by talking to her, I just don't feel closure the way we split up. I know I always leave things until I can't wait no longer and tomorrow is the ":)" day.

 How can I get closure without breaking NC? I just feel like I really NEED to tell her how I feel and finish the talk we should have had over a month ago.

[Hlinthewiking]

I knew last week that while things were "ok" before, I was about to crash again, I was right.

I started seeing someone nice last week, we saw each other 5 times since then, she lives close by and when I met her, I had some concerns from what I'v learned in my past relationships, they proved to be nothing really and turns out this girl actually looks like someone nice to invest a relationship with, she's just shy.

The problem began after we had sex on our 4th date, it wasn't bad at all, just wasn't as good as my ex and felt like there was something missing. I had realized before that I was doing some idealization after meeting this girl and I knew right from the get go this wasn't real and that I should evaluate reality, not idealization.

On the 5th date (this Saturday) we were watching tv and I started to remember my ex and got teary for a while, thankfully she didn't see it. After that moment I have only gotten worse.

On Sunday I believe, I was on Facebook and something popped up of hers on my news feed (not blocking her is making things really hard, but I can't... .), she had confirmed a presence in a party this Friday and one of her girl friends had reacted to it, by those things I concluded that my replacement hadn't lasted as long as I thought he would and that may have given me a bit of hope. I dreamed about my ex on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, I woke up all those days in the middle of the night worrisome and unable to sleep.

On Tuesday I saw a post from a friend of mine who's leaving the country soon and wanted to invite everyone to a going away party on Friday, THE SAME PARTY MY EX IS GOING. That hit me hard, I had no way of going to my friend's going away party and I knew my ex would be in a party with a lot of my friends while wanting to snag another victim or just make out. After that, sleeping was hard and I had the nightmare, I dreamed I was at the party with my friends and her and I remember of feeling desperation, then we got back together and I suddenly felt empty... I woke up too early again and felt tired the whole week until now.

Meanwhile this week had been hectic for me and for this girl I have been dating, we won't be able to see each other until Friday night or Saturday. I couldn't really imagine seeing anyone else other then my ex after Sunday, that feeling is terrible... .I know tomorrow s... .will hit the fan.

Tuesday would have been "our day", my ex liked to celebrate every month, that made things a bit harder and I came really close to reaching out to her that day and I'm still really wanting to talk to her... .I have a feeling like there is a lot of things I wanted to get of my chest and I can only do it by talking to her, I just don't feel closure the way we split up. I know I always leave things until I can't wait no longer and tomorrow is the ":)" day.

 How can I get closure without breaking NC? I just feel like I really NEED to tell her how I feel and finish the talk we should have had over a month ago.

[UnforgivenII]

You are not NC. Because you did not block her on FB. It is contact so you are no contact at all.
Block her. Stay away from her. You are doing fine and you met a good girl.

Do not break NC. Please. It will be horrific if you do.

[Hlinthewiking]

Yeah... .I guess :/, but I don't look and her posts and rarely something comes up about her on my news feed. I don't know how to do it, even if I were to block her I'd need to check her page and I would see things I don't want to see. I don't know how to do it, I don't feel strong enough... .I still have that glimpse of hope and I'm holding on to the feelings too much... .I never loved someone that much before, I guess I'm having a problem letting go... .

[Hlinthewiking]

I just looked at my ex's profile picture, it is her smiling but she's got teary eyes... She changed it a couple of times after we broke up, I noticed one time she changed it for less then a day I think, I almost didn't see it, but she was a wreck and in tears, she changed it pretty quickly, I think that was around the time she tried to replace me. Is she trying to get my attention from all this time? She hasn't tried to reach me ever since and I was sure she was over me for good, this is weird.

[UnforgivenII]

Block her. It is easy. Go to the privacy settings.
You are giving her power to do mind games.

[JJacks0]

I feel your pain, I have really been struggling with NC too lately.

One thing I have found helpful actually is reading in some of the other boards on this site - Improving a R/S, Conflicted, etc. Some of the topics remind me of issues that I had with my ex that are unresolved and would still be unresolved and extremely prevalent if I were to contact her today.

So with that in mind, I am able to at least temporarily convince myself that contacting her right now might actually just make things worse. I really have just been trying to get through one day at a time, so I am probably in no position to be giving advice. This is just a little trick that helps me get through the toughest moments sometimes.

[lovenature]

100% NC; it gets worse before it gets better, but once you are out long enough you will see clearly enough to realize that you don't want to go back.

You will never get the closure you are looking for by talking to her, been said on here many times. A pwBPD needs an attachment to feel like a whole person, and they hate to loose one; they will tell you it's over, only to call 10 min. later. I had 5 months of NC on my end before and she appeared unexpected like we had just spoken the day before.

I would caution you on dating so soon after; many members have said it is best to work on yourself and figure out why you stayed in a toxic relationship before you see someone else and possibly hurt both of you.

[fromheeltoheal]

How can I get closure without breaking NC?

By giving it to yourself, which can end up being more powerful.  That starts with defining closure; what does closure mean to you Hl?

Have you discussed with your new girlfriend where you are in your detachment from your ex?