So is she gone for good this time ?

[Splitblack4good]

So it's been 3 months now since the exgf discarded me for a lesbian and things with my ex don't change eventhough she claims to be goin
To therapy.
Few weeks ago she discarded her gf and she's already found a replacement for her in terms of another lesbian!
When I found out my ex said that she has come to the realisation that she is in fact now gay ! .
In the mean time she tried recycling me and sucking me back into the relationship when I told her I don't want anything to do with her and if it wasn't for a 6 month old son I would never want to see her again. She still had the nerve to ask me to still be her friend. I asked why and she said "because I have to have you in my life in one way or another or I will just fall apart " I told her there's no way I want to be freinds with someone like her.
She is truly sick .
The part I struggle with is the fact that when she discarded her lesbian lover she tried sucking me back in for a 7th time when I refused afew days later she's got a new gf and tells me she's gay .
Everyone of her rebound relationships have only ever lasted 2-3 months at most . She told me she wants NC from me and to communicate through her mum and arrange to see my son . I said I'm fine with that and it makes life easier for me to.

Is she finally gone from my life now as much as she can be? Or is she goin to try and re engage me later when the new relationship falls apart in a few months! Do these sick people never give up?.

[heartandwhole]

Or is she goin to try and re engage me later when the new relationship falls apart in a few months!

I wouldn't be surprised, Splitblack. Unfortunately, this has been her pattern, right?

I'm sorry you have to deal with the separation and co-parenting. That must be very difficult at times.

With time, and your strong boundaries, she may give up trying to restart a relationship with you. But none of us can predict the future. It sounds like she is struggling with identity issues and very much needs someone in her life.

How are you holding up, Splitblack?

heartandwhole

[Pretty Woman]

Never count out on it being the "last" time. I went through what you have several times in a three year period. She would disappear for a month or two and return when she couldn't find another person to attach to. I have not heard a peep from her in a year and a half since she found that replacement however I know from being with her close to four years she left me for someone she hadn't spoken to in four years. I don't think she fully lets go of anyone. Even when someone despises her she tries.

She gave up a baby at 20. It was an open adoption and the family actually treated her like extended family until she showed them how effed up she is. She tried reaching out to them via FB in the middle of our relationship only to be blocked by the adoptive mother.

It truly is sad. She is impulsive, reckless and eventually causes others to hate her or want to get as far away as possible.

[JQ]

Splitblack,

You've been here awhile with over 400 post ... .and we both know the answer to the question already. I'm sorry that you have to go through this and I know how incredibly frustration it must be. You are trying to move forward, you're attached to this mentally ill woman via a mutual child & you have coparenting responsibilities. I would recommend the forum on how to manage those coparenting skills.

I would agree with both heartandwhole & pretty woman in that there is really "No Last Time" as my 1st exBPDgf from 20 years ago continues to try and prove ... .but so much time has past, my boundaries are in place and I enforce them with her, my BPD stepmother/sister & 1/2 brother.  You can get to this place for yourself but you'll need some really good therapy assistance who is experienced with BPD & codependent r/s to help you with.

You point out typical BPD behaviors, impulsive, reckless and turn those who only want to love them into people who want nothing to do with them for the rest of their natural lives. They are truly, truly broken people.

Be sure to take the time for yourself and strengthen your boundaries, your self resolve to get to a better place & to raise your child as good as anyone can do. Take the time for yourself to get the assistance you need from a good therapist to help you with your feelings, emotions and thoughts as you will have to deal with her for years to come if you continue to share the child.

I would also recommend that you find solace in a couple of good friends that you can just hang with. GO to the gym and work off the stress built up in your body. This will help more than you realize. It'll get good hormones in your body and help you sleep burning off the stress. Be sure you're eating right, as much as you can. Nothing good ever comes from junk food. Reach out to an old friend you haven't talked to in sometime ... .this will be good for your soul. right a bike, go for a walk, enjoy nature as much as you can. Winter will be upon us soon enough and the opportunity to get out & enjoy it will be limited no matter where you live in the world.

And keep coming here & let us know how you're doing, vent like you are and ask questions like you are. Take a deep breath ... .you'll get better ... .things will get better ... .they always do.

J

[Splitblack4good]

Thank you so much for your kind replys and honest words . I really am at a loose end .
The reason I say is she really gone this time is she has said things this time she hasn't before .
And why ask to be freinds? She asked to go NC this time to Which I agreed. She tried hiding it from me that she had a new partner and when I confronted her with it she got angry at me. It's all the lies and deceit.
It's almost like she was hoping I wouldn't find out so that she could keep as a backup.
I'm just trying to get on with my life and not let her affect me anymore I just hope that in a way it does last a while with her new parter so I can detach myself fully . I've stayed strong up til now .

[Splitblack4good]

I think your right with the identity issues either that or she really has ran out of men that know her for supply .
I'm going with the second one . From what I've read about lesbians in general is they are eager to jump into relationships quickly and easily. I beleive my ex has turned lesbian for this reason she knows she can hook them quickly and easily. But the quicker they fall in love with her the quicker it all falls apart . And with that being said and same sex relationships and with my ex being diagnosed with BPD has always had issues with her mother and that's why she seems to come to conflict quickly with females including female friends.

[Cleanglass]

The problem we have as exes of people with BPD is that we want them to contact us. I fully acknowledge that I want mine to contact me. I don't want them back but it gives me a good feeling to know they're thinking of me. Except with time I know this will be the opposite. When I've all but forgotten them, I don't want them to come out of the blue.

So my advice is change contact details as much as you can and if they have to contact you, have only one way of contact. Also with children involved: full custody with visitation rights. This if for the safety of the children.

[Cleanglass]

From what I've read about lesbians in general is they are eager to jump into relationships quickly and easily. I beleive my ex has turned lesbian for this reason she knows she can hook them quickly and easily.

This isn't a lesbian trait. It's a BPD trait. Infact it can be a human trait. Sexuality of a person doesn't make them more 'eager'.

[Splitblack4good]

From what I've read about lesbians in general is they are eager to jump into relationships quickly and easily. I beleive my ex has turned lesbian for this reason she knows she can hook them quickly and easily.

This isn't a lesbian trait. It's a BPD trait. Infact it can be a human trait. Sexuality of a person doesn't make them more 'eager'.

Sorry I may have not been that clear in that statement. What I ment was the people that she picks being lesbians fall quickly into relationships without testing the waters so to speak on if they are compatible with ther new partners .this makes it easier for my ex to find and hook new supply .

[Splitblack4good]

I went to pick up my son this evening and it seems my ex wont even look at me let alone even try to talk to me about our son . She got her oldest daughter that's 12 to hand over our son . When I tried to discuss what time she wanted him back by in the morning I just verbally abused ! Something like just f**k off ! Bring him back no later then 8!

Why do they rage at you for just being polite and civil and keeping conversations to the point ? . I know her new partner was close by prob sat in the lounge or something. Do they do this for their benefit? I just walked away when when she started name calling .

If they are so happy in there new relaitionships why can't they be polite it's like they still have to abuse you like you are still with them in the relationship. Anyone else have similar experience with their ex pwBPD ?

[JQ]

Hey Splitblack,

As I'm sure you've read but for the benefits of others in the group, one of what I'm sure are endless reasons for the question you ask, "Why do they rage at you ... .".  Those who suffer from this Cluster B Mental Illness have INTENSE fears of "Abandonment & Engulfment" in addition to INTENSE emotions of guilt, shame, etc.  

You are taken away her son so she feels "Abandonment" fears quite possibly fearing that she will never see him again ... .and to some degree you. She also in part has feelings of shame, guilt for the reason you're there.  This has nothing to do with the, "replacement" or to put on a show for them.  Your exBPD has a severe mental behavioral illness that makes it VERY difficult for them to regulate their emotions ... .it's quite possible that after you left she went into full emotional dysregulation that you didn't get to experience. You should feel lucky not to be on the blunt end of that spear she was thrusting.

You did the right thing by setting your boundary & walking away when the name calling began. That took an amazing amount of self control, boundary setting & maintaining and you should be commended for it. I would perhaps in the future in a very calm voice as you leave tell her or the closest person next to you like her daughter that you'll have him back by 8 am, then remove yourself from the volatile situation.

Not that she will hear you, but in the future her daughter or the "other person" standing near by can tell her that her son is ok, that he is with his father and that he will be back home by 8 am. Remember that she has EXTREME fears & emotions of abandonment, this might help in some small way to help her realize that every time you come to pick him up that you will bring him back.

It's not a magic bullet, it just won't fix itself in 1 or 2 times but it will take time AND the help of a good BPD therapist. And then again it might not ever help, but at least you're taking the high road and doing what you can for your sons mother. AS he gets older, your son might incur the rathe of rage from her when you come to pick him up so a good explanation by your & his therapist should help him learn that its not his fault his mom yells like she does at him. A good therapist will be required for your son in the future, just FYI.

But as I said, I commend you for taking the high road here, NOT to take her raging personally as hard as that is ... .I know I did at one point in my life.  You seem to be on a good path Spltblack.

J