Where I'm At Today

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Just to briefly reiterate, my ex and I lived together for 6.5 years, and we got separate places about 4 months ago. The break-up was kind of mutual - she basically gave me an ultimatum to either get serious again (after some hot/cold phases) and make her my priority, or we move out. I love her to death, but making her my priority right now doesn't seem healthy for me. Her definition of "priority" is probably different than a non-borderline person's view of the same word. It comes with all sorts of impossibly high expectations that, when not reached, she would get very angry about. So while I didn't necessarily want to break up, I felt I had no choice. She was unwilling to compromise and be patient with me & my needs, and that's her prerogative. At the same time though, I couldn't sacrifice my own life anymore to make her feel better. I spent nearly the entire relationship focused solely on her, her issues and what she needed. So it actually made me angry to see how little patience she had with me when I told her I needed some time to focus on myself for once. She felt that this was selfish of me, since her mother had recently passed away. I understand that the timing was poor, and this is something I still feel guilt about. However, it didn't feel right to stay in an unhealthy place for that reason. I made it clear that I didn't actually want us to see other people, I just didn't think I could meet her expectations for what she wanted in a serious relationship at that moment. So it was of course up to her if she wanted to be patient with me or not. I was also trying to finish school, work, and stay in touch with friends/family that I had been neglecting. And I knew that she would just end up upset with me. So in the end, she chose to move on.

After the move, we tried to stay friends but quickly realized that that wasn't possible, as we still have too many feelings for one another. So since then we have been cycling between trying to make it work and moving on... .up until about 2 weeks ago.

Today marks 6 whole days of no contact. I counted this morning and felt a little disappointed. I guess I expected it to have been a higher number... .it seems like it's been weeks.

The last time I saw her went like this:

She called me after 9 days of NC (9 days has been the record so far), and I answered. I had been desperately hoping to hear from her so I jumped at the opportunity to talk to her. At first she just wanted to talk about her life, family issues, etc. Then she got on to talking about how much she loved and missed me. She told me that she almost just came over to my house the night before, but knew I had to work. We talked for over an hour. She told me how her family was urging her to see other people & how she went on a date, but felt like she was cheating on me. She said that she didn't want to see anyone else, because she knew she wanted me. She basically just told me everything you'd want to hear. And of course I ate it right up. I knew deep down that nothing substantial could have really changed in 9 days, but I still had that faint little hope that maybe she had had some epiphany.
She told me that she wanted me to come over later. I asked her over and over if she was sure . Because ever since we moved out, we've been engaged in this push/pull cycle where she loves me one minute and wants to cease contact the next. She assured me over and over that this was real and she wanted to be with me. So I ended up going to her house later that night (obvious mistake, but at the time I just missed her so much I didn't care). She was waiting for me in the parking lot, ran up to me, all enthusiastic and affectionate. And for the first hour or so it stayed that way. Hugging me, kissing me, looking at old pictures/notes we had written each other over the years that she had saved. But then gradually something seemed different. She started to sit a little further away on the couch... .wanted to go outside and smoke more than usual... .she just seemed stressed and had a distant look in her eyes like she wasn't really present anymore. I asked her what was wrong and she just said she was thinking about her mom. When I left, she gave me a hug and said she'd see me soon (pretty half-ass/non-committal compared to everything she had been saying earlier that day). I called her when I got home to see if she was okay because even the goodbye just felt off. She told me that it was a mistake, she shouldn't have had me over or even called me, and that we shouldn't talk anymore. She said that it just didn't feel the same. I really shouldn't have been surprised. But it just didn't make sense to me how she could feel so strongly in the morning and then pull a 180 hours later. I mean of course it doesn't feel exactly the same... .things have changed, I can't replicate an exact moment from a year ago today. But it could have been good if she would just let it be. If she would just get out of her head and just allow herself to be happy with me without comparing the current moment to a previous day in history... .

I cried for a couple hours, and woke up the next day just done with it. I just realized there's nothing else I can do. I tried, even to an embarrassingly unhealthy degree. I told her everything she wanted to hear, did everything she wanted me to do. She had me wrapped around her finger taking orders (be more affectionate, show me this, tell me that... .)and it still wasn't good enough.
The thing that frustrates me most is that we really do have a great connection. Maybe I have blinders on but even aside from the highs that they say people with BPD provide, I just genuinely adore her as a person. I've never been able to talk to someone so long or laugh so hard with someone - we have the same humor and interests and were just best friends. So to me, it's so hard to let go of that fantasy of what it could be like, and how awesome things could be.

Today I don't even want to hear from her because I don't even know what I would do. I guess that's an improvement, but I fear it's only temporary. I still wake up every morning and feel a knot in my chest. I still compare the people around me to her and wish for her company. I try to distract myself as much as possible and keep thoughts of her out. But I still wish this were just a nightmare I'd wake up from.

[JJacks0]

Just to briefly reiterate, my ex and I lived together for 6.5 years, and we got separate places about 4 months ago. The break-up was kind of mutual - she basically gave me an ultimatum to either get serious again (after some hot/cold phases) and make her my priority, or we move out. I love her to death, but making her my priority right now doesn't seem healthy for me. Her definition of "priority" is probably different than a non-borderline person's view of the same word. It comes with all sorts of impossibly high expectations that, when not reached, she would get very angry about. So while I didn't necessarily want to break up, I felt I had no choice. She was unwilling to compromise and be patient with me & my needs, and that's her prerogative. At the same time though, I couldn't sacrifice my own life anymore to make her feel better. I spent nearly the entire relationship focused solely on her, her issues and what she needed. So it actually made me angry to see how little patience she had with me when I told her I needed some time to focus on myself for once. She felt that this was selfish of me, since her mother had recently passed away. I understand that the timing was poor, and this is something I still feel guilt about. However, it didn't feel right to stay in an unhealthy place for that reason. I made it clear that I didn't actually want us to see other people, I just didn't think I could meet her expectations for what she wanted in a serious relationship at that moment. So it was of course up to her if she wanted to be patient with me or not. I was also trying to finish school, work, and stay in touch with friends/family that I had been neglecting. And I knew that she would just end up upset with me. So in the end, she chose to move on.

After the move, we tried to stay friends but quickly realized that that wasn't possible, as we still have too many feelings for one another. So since then we have been cycling between trying to make it work and moving on... .up until about 2 weeks ago.

Today marks 6 whole days of no contact. I counted this morning and felt a little disappointed. I guess I expected it to have been a higher number... .it seems like it's been weeks.

The last time I saw her went like this:

She called me after 9 days of NC (9 days has been the record so far), and I answered. I had been desperately hoping to hear from her so I jumped at the opportunity to talk to her. At first she just wanted to talk about her life, family issues, etc. Then she got on to talking about how much she loved and missed me. She told me that she almost just came over to my house the night before, but knew I had to work. We talked for over an hour. She told me how her family was urging her to see other people & how she went on a date, but felt like she was cheating on me. She said that she didn't want to see anyone else, because she knew she wanted me. She basically just told me everything you'd want to hear. And of course I ate it right up. I knew deep down that nothing substantial could have really changed in 9 days, but I still had that faint little hope that maybe she had had some epiphany.
She told me that she wanted me to come over later. I asked her over and over if she was sure . Because ever since we moved out, we've been engaged in this push/pull cycle where she loves me one minute and wants to cease contact the next. She assured me over and over that this was real and she wanted to be with me. So I ended up going to her house later that night (obvious mistake, but at the time I just missed her so much I didn't care). She was waiting for me in the parking lot, ran up to me, all enthusiastic and affectionate. And for the first hour or so it stayed that way. Hugging me, kissing me, looking at old pictures/notes we had written each other over the years that she had saved. But then gradually something seemed different. She started to sit a little further away on the couch... .wanted to go outside and smoke more than usual... .she just seemed stressed and had a distant look in her eyes like she wasn't really present anymore. I asked her what was wrong and she just said she was thinking about her mom. When I left, she gave me a hug and said she'd see me soon (pretty half-ass/non-committal compared to everything she had been saying earlier that day). I called her when I got home to see if she was okay because even the goodbye just felt off. She told me that it was a mistake, she shouldn't have had me over or even called me, and that we shouldn't talk anymore. She said that it just didn't feel the same. I really shouldn't have been surprised. But it just didn't make sense to me how she could feel so strongly in the morning and then pull a 180 hours later. I mean of course it doesn't feel exactly the same... .things have changed, I can't replicate an exact moment from a year ago today. But it could have been good if she would just let it be. If she would just get out of her head and just allow herself to be happy with me without comparing the current moment to a previous day in history... .

I cried for a couple hours, and woke up the next day just done with it. I just realized there's nothing else I can do. I tried, even to an embarrassingly unhealthy degree. I told her everything she wanted to hear, did everything she wanted me to do. She had me wrapped around her finger taking orders (be more affectionate, show me this, tell me that... .)and it still wasn't good enough.
The thing that frustrates me most is that we really do have a great connection. Maybe I have blinders on but even aside from the highs that they say people with BPD provide, I just genuinely adore her as a person. I've never been able to talk to someone so long or laugh so hard with someone - we have the same humor and interests and were just best friends. So to me, it's so hard to let go of that fantasy of what it could be like, and how awesome things could be.

Today I don't even want to hear from her because I don't even know what I would do. I guess that's an improvement, but I fear it's only temporary. I still wake up every morning and feel a knot in my chest. I still compare the people around me to her and wish for her company. I try to distract myself as much as possible and keep thoughts of her out. But I still wish this were just a nightmare I'd wake up from.

[fromheeltoheal]

So to me, it's so hard to let go of that fantasy of what it could be like, and how awesome things could be.

Yes, that's common here JJacks0, how we can get obsessed with a fantasy when the reality doesn't measure up to it, and maybe never did, except in the beginning for a while.  So it's been 6 days since you've spoken, that doesn't sound like a good thing yet, and what's the goal?  Do you have a plan moving forward?  There's a lot to untangle coming out of these relationships, and having a goal to shoot for can guide us when we get lost in the emotion at times.

[gotbushels]

Hi JJacks0 

The early days can be difficult and painful. I know it's difficult, but try to be compassionate with yourself when you're grieving your losses. Sometimes, there really is nothing else we can do at a given time. Often us nons are triers--it's sometimes part of our personality. When we are paired up with a pwBPD, the trying can become unhealthy. You seem to be recognising that.

Yes, to be wrapped around a person's finger is an expression that I've seen before here. It's not really pleasant when we find ourselves in that situation. It is more unpleasant when that still isn't "good enough" for whatever standard you had for yourself and your relationship. I like your honesty in describing yourself to have some great connection with your partner. That seems to me, to be an honest yet quite naturally conflicting experience against what you do know about relationships with a pwBPD.

Letting go of fantasies and could have beens is of course one of the toughest parts of detachment. That's part of being honest with ourselves. I do think you'll come away with a healthier understanding.

Take care and I hope your weekend looks up. I look forward to seeing how your story develops.

[JJacks0]

I guess the goal is just to go as long as I can without contact.  That's about the extent of my plan right now. I'm hoping that the longer I go without talking to her the easier it will become.

I've already promised myself that I won't contact her, because the last time we spoke she indicated that that was what she wanted. But if she were to contact me, I'm sure I would answer.

[fromheeltoheal]

I guess the goal is just to go as long as I can without contact.  That's about the extent of my plan right now. I'm hoping that the longer I go without talking to her the easier it will become.

And that's a goal based on the past, which is where you are right now, I understand, and it's also helpful to have a goal for the future, one you may not be able to easily imagine right now, but try anyway.

I've already promised myself that I won't contact her, because the last time we spoke she indicated that that was what she wanted. But if she were to contact me, I'm sure I would answer.

What do you want?

[myself]

I guess the goal is just to go as long as I can without contact.  That's about the extent of my plan right now. I'm hoping that the longer I go without talking to her the easier it will become.

And that's a goal based on the past, which is where you are right now, I understand, and it's also helpful to have a goal for the future, one you may not be able to easily imagine right now, but try anyway.

What she's saying sounds like it IS a goal for the future. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Moving forward. Until getting to a place where her head and heart will be more clear and the pressures of the current situation will be lessened. Better choices can be made about where to go from there, from there.

[lovenature]

What you are experiencing is her behaviour based on whatever her current emotion of the moment is; I have had "I adore you" said to me, then minutes later "I hate you", followed by her hitting my chest and raging.

NC for me felt good initially when I decided I was done with the relationship, it got tougher once she stopped trying to contact me daily, then weekly. Going a month or more without her reaching out (I have maintained NC on my end for over 7 months this time), is very painful. The longer you stay NC the clearer things get, learning why I stayed in a toxic relationship, and how much of myself I lost, has been extremely painful.

The only way out is through, and even though there are many similarities to our stories, every ones relationship and recovery timeline isn't the same.

Remember, the closer you get-the more you are pushed away; the only way a BPD relationship can be healthy enough to be worthwhile for both partners is if the pwBPD commits to years of therapy and the non commits to using the required tools to manage the relationship.

[JJacks0]

Just a little update since it's 1 month later and I've got a lot on my mind.

I'm not sure if anyone has seen my other posts lately (I've hopped around boards a bit) so a brief summary:

I reached out to my ex on the one year anniversary of her mother's passing, August 13th. Just said that I was thinking of her, her mom and her family and that I'm here if she needs anything. She did not reply until two days later, when she sent a nice thank you text, said it meant a lot to her and I was the only person she just really needed to hear from that day. I replied once more saying, "Of course, I thought of you guys all day." That was that. She did not say any more and neither did I, and that was our last interaction.

So it's been over a month since I've really talked to her - I'm sort of giving myself a pass with that last contact because I felt like it was just something I had to do to be a decent human, and it was kept very brief.

1 month probably isn't much compared to many others' experiences with NC, but so much has happened within that month that I wish I could share with her - some good, some bad, just things I'd never normally have to go without telling her about.

- I got in a car accident and totaled my car
- Started taking classes again
- Started fostering a cat through a rescue group
- Went on a couple little day/overnight trips
- Learned a lot of tools through this website and these message boards
- I've seen friends, family, a therapist, & tried some new activities.

Of course there are also some things that have happened that I wouldn't particularly love sharing with her (ie. trying to meet new people, trying to casually date someone new (definitely too soon), having a lot of residual anger/anxiety).

It's all a little overwhelming for my first month without her in 7 years. A part of me is dying to be able to talk with her about all of these things, but another part of me knows that's probably not going to happen any time soon, and I have to accept that. At the same time, I have no idea what she's been up to. She could be dating someone. She could be really happy with her new life. I assume she's taking classes this semester as well, and I have a little anxiety thinking about what would happen if I bumped into her on campus.

I know I just need to keep working on myself, and maybe one day the time will be right and we can talk again. It's just so difficult feeling overwhelmed and stressed and knowing that the one person who you want to confide in the most is also the one person who may make things so much worse. It's an unfortunate reality though. I need to just keep moving on and take it one day at a time I guess.

[joeramabeme]

It's all a little overwhelming for my first month without her in 7 years. A part of me is dying to be able to talk with her about all of these things, but another part of me knows that's probably not going to happen any time soon, and I have to accept that.

Hey JJacks0, glad to hear that you got through the month.  I know it is not easy but it does sound like you have done some constructive things for yourself.

Thanks for this followup posting, always encouraging to hear the continuance of others stories and know that they got through what seemed impossible.

JRB