A Writer's Muse

[JJacks0]

I came across this poem and it just resonated so deeply with me.
I think a lot of people here may feel the same. Hope it's okay that I share it... .

A Writer's Muse

One day he will find you. He will touch you and you will feel a lifetime of indifference - of apathy melt away in a single moment. And you will ache for him. You will love him, in the way you walk a tightrope - in the way people learn to fall asleep in a war zone. You will bleed for him until the day he is gone. You will bleed for him every day after that. The time will pass and you will feel robbed - you will grow bitter. You will ask why, but you won't get an answer. And that is when the words will come.

- Lang Leav

[VitaminC]

Hey JJacks,

yes, it's ok you share it, and yes, it resonates for me too.

It says what many of us eventually come to understand: that "lifetime of apathy and indifference" is the key. That's where it starts - there is an emptiness in us and if we're not aware of it, we will look for, or just stumble across, someone that seems to fill that.

The tightrope and war zone sleeping follow quite naturally from that, as we try to stay clung to something that appeared to be a life raft, to throw around more metaphors.  And the bleeding after it all is what many of us here are doing, trying to understand, and trying to bandage up.

I'm just looking at the lifetime of etc myself at the moment and seeing what that consists of - that's the "why" of the relationship. This is the thing, in my opinion, that we not only can, but have a duty, to understand.

Have you looked at this? What was your lifetime like before the relationship? What melted away for you when you got involved? 

[JJacks0]

This is something that I've been encouraged by various members on these boards to look into, but that I haven't completely identified yet.
I don't really have any FOO issues, although I am an only child so I had a lonely childhood. No abusive environment, no absent parents, no mental health issues in the family. But I felt very empty, depressed and alone until I met her when I was 22... .we were together until just this past spring/summer when I turned 29. When we first met I remember feeling like she was the one "saving" me... .or that we were "saving" each other. It seemed like we both had an emptiness that needed to be filled. She was also the reason that I "came out"- no one knew that I was gay until I became involved with her, she moved in with me and I decided to tell people. (OK in hindsight, that large secret was probably another component adding to the feelings of emptiness... .)

The thing is though, if I had wanted to just fill some void, I could have done it prior to, with someone I liked a lot less - the same goes for her. We were each other's first real relationships because we really do have a connection. To this day I meet people that I'm sure I could latch onto to avoid being alone, but they don't do anything for me. I still think she is the most beautiful, intelligent, witty, funny, sweet woman I've ever met... .despite everything. I've always thought that must mean it's true love, to still feel that way for someone after all we've been through. Without a doubt I do love her. But maybe it's also an addiction.