Introduction

[winsome]

Hello -

my wife who has some traits has filed. I am going through a difficult situation.

[Turkish]

Hi winsome,



There is a lot of collective wisdom here by members who have gone through BPD divorces.  What led up to this?  Do you have kids?  What is your biggest fear right now? We're here to support you 

Turkish

[winsome]

Thanks Turkish. I have 2 children and am terrified for them. The wife is abusive towards them once in a blue moon. Her parents seem to egg her on in this divorce. I relocated to a different country based on a job offer. She said she will join me later. When I came back to take them back with me, she made some false allegations of violence and put a restraining order. Couple of weeks later she filed for divorce. She has a jerk of a lawyer who is sending documentation after documentation asking for my finances and wanting to see the evidences I will produce in court.

[ForeverDad]

People with BPD and other acting-out PDs are astoundingly manipulative and their claims so emotionally convincing despite no substance.  For all you know her lawyer was fed a slick story line and lacking any other information to the contrary he has accepted it.  (PwBPD generally describe all past relationships as 'abusive', evidently in an attempt to Blame-Shift the relationship's failure onto, of course, the Ex.)

Do you have a lawyer yet?  You need more than a forms-filing, hand-holding lawyer.  You need an experienced proactive lawyer with a solid strategy to get you as much visitation as early in the divorce case as possible.  You and everyone here knows the allegations are pure Blaming to make you look worse than her.  Be forewarned to resist the temptation to make it all 'go away' with a plea deal.  Plea Deals are for Perps, who all parties know have at least some guilt, not involved parents like us.  Depending on how it seems to be going, you may even need a criminal lawyer.  Hopefully, without evidence it will get dismissed but that means you have to be on your best behavior at all times and that also means not ever being alone with your stbEx so you can't be framed for misbehaving.

It sounds like you'll need to abandon expectations of working in that other country, at least for now.  It's hard to demonstrate you want to be an involved father when the children are prevented from moving with you.

[winsome]

Can someone recommend a good attorney in or near Indianapolis? Thanks.

[ForeverDad]

As a general comment, you should have consultations (free or relatively inexpensive) with multiple family law attorneys.  Two reasons I'll mention.  First, you'll get a sense of some practical strategies for your local area and your specific situation.  Lawyers have different experiences and approaches.  You'll hear a range of strategies and advice.  You don't want a lawyer to hold your hand and walk you though the system just signing the paperwork.  No, you want one who will metaphorically fight for you and advocate for you, be proactive and be a practical Problem Solver.  Second, you want one you're comfortable with and can be confidant about.  By speaking to a few or more you can be more confident you will have chosen one who fits your needs.

One question to ask could be, "If you had a high conflict and obstructive spouse like mine, who would you choose to be your attorney?"  If you hear the same names repeated, then move those to the top of your list.  Don't fret, it is not mean or unfair to ask them questions like that.  They know they won't get everyone who walks in their door as a client.  A good attorney will not think poorly of you if you choose another.  For them it's a job, for you it's your life.

[ForeverDad]

Do you have Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger?  It is one of our best resource handbooks, especially for courts and how to counter high conflict people.  We have a review of it and other books on our Book Reviews board.

It is written for both us and lawyers.  Bill Eddy is a social worker, mediator, lawyer, author, lecturer (primarily to the professionals), etc.  His site is HighConflictInstitute.com

There won't be just one experienced, capable lawyer in your area.  The issue is finding them.  If you have a referral and get a consultation, you can also ask for others the lawyer trusts to step up to the task that might be a better fit, especially if the first lawyer isn't nearby and isn't a regular in your court house.

Are the children preschoolers or in elementary, middle or high school?