Painted Black Again (?) by BPD Friend

[SummerStorm]

I got a long text message from my BPD friend today, which concluded with her telling me to not contact her ever again (not the first time she's done this).  The rest of it was her telling me that no one wants to hear my sob story, that I need to stop whining about wishing I could find love (I'm a gay woman in a conservative area, so it's not exactly easy), and that I'm a "lying piece of s___." 

I will admit that I've been going through a tough time lately.  Like I said, I live in a conservative area and teach in a school district that is also very conservative.  The presidential election caused a lot of tension in the school, and I've just been really struggling with everything related to that.  Earlier in the school year, a student (not one of mine, but in the same grade that I teach) committed suicide, so dealing with that has been hard, especially since a lot of my students were friends with him.  At first, a few weeks ago, my BPD friend was very understanding and checked up on me regularly to ask how I was doing.  Then, I didn't hear from her for three weeks, and I also didn't bother to contact her because I just didn't have the motivation or energy to. 

I don't even know if I'm technically even painted black this time.  She didn't immediately unfriend me and block me on everything like she usually does, so it's hard to tell what that means. 

I'm not going to contact her at all or add any fuel to the fire.  She tends to do this around holidays and birthdays and did it around this same time last year, so I'm just going to see if it passes.  But honestly, I'm really at a point where I hope I don't hear from her again.  Before, when I was painted black, I used to check my phone constantly, hoping that I had a message from her, but now, I don't even want to look at it because I really don't want to get a message from her.

[Notwendy]

I think that at some point, you will need to decide on this relationship with your friend and where it is leading, how much mental energy it takes on you to deal with her ups and downs, as well as can you really lean on her for emotional support when you are feeling down. PwBPD have a hard time managing their own emotions, and so may not be able to reciprocate emotional support. I also understand that you care a lot about this person, and that it is hurtful when she cuts you off.

Finding someone to love can be a challenge, straight or gay. I know of one female couple in a conservative area who met online on a dating website. They lived about an hour and a half from each other. I also met another female couple who don't live in a conservative area, but they met online as well. Both couples got married. I also have several straight friends who, after divorces, later met their husbands online. Some were at a distance, and they met in the middle. Although I haven't tried online (got married before these were available) I am seeing the value of them for people who are possibly older, or living in rural areas, and who don't have easy access to other compatible people in their area.

As to the election, I've seen more contentious behavior between people on all sides. I think in some ways, it's been a strain on many people whether their candidate won or not and some people didn't care for either of them. It's been an example of dysfunction in so may ways. I hope you can find some like minded friends in your area, or online.

I find that we tend to self isolate sometimes and it takes a big effort to put ourselves out there to try to make friends. But I hope that taking steps to do something for you and "self care" will lead to good things.

[FallBack!Monster]

Same sentiment about it all.  It is hard to be a gay anything in society period.  It's even harder when dealing with people with mood disorders. Where one day they think they're gay. The next day Asexuals, then heterosexuals, then group sexing, and oh no, I think what I am missing in my life to make "me" happy is intimacy. Anyway, if I was going through what you are i would NEVER reach out or try to reconnect with that friend. Do like pwBPD do and REPLACE her. Get someone else that gives out what she was bringing to the table. I don't even want to get into the topic of politics but I will. The elections are long gone. A new president have been elected; like it or not. It is what it is. Don't check your phone. I'm praying and hoping the holidays pass, you have a wonderful one without her ruining it for you. A new year is coming. I know I'm making drastic changes. I hope everyone here does too. I'm crossing fingers in hopes that there won't be a message from her. Good luck summerStomp.

[SummerStorm]

Notwendy,

This was the first time that she added any kind of threat in her "final" message to me, so I really am considering whether or not I want to try to maintain any type of friendship with her.  Her mom sent me a friend request on Facebook a few months ago, after we had been e-mailing back and forth for 9 months (while painted black, I contacted her around the holidays last year, just to find out if my BPD friend was doing okay and hadn't had any more suicide attempts).  My friend knew that her mom and I have been in contact and didn't seem to care at all.  In fact, she told her mom how great I am.  In the text today, she told me that, if I ever contact her mom again and she finds out about it, she will "unleash hell."  I really don't know how seriously I should take this threat, if at all.  She's not the type to call the police and accuse someone of stalking or anything.  I'm inclined to think that she doesn't want me to e-mail her mom and tell her that she cut me out of her life again, since her mom and I get along.

I've tried online dating (OkCupid, Match, Plenty of Fish, Tinder, etc.) for over a year now and haven't had any luck, unfortunately.  

Luckily, the election stuff has calmed down at work, but the school already had problems with racism, homophobia, and transphobia, and it certainly didn't get any better.  And as an English teacher, I have to teach literature about the Holocaust, segregation, and other tough topics.

I definitely agree that pwBPD can't offer much emotional support, and I really see that with my friend.  I knew that I was walking a fine line and thought that she would maybe comment on it, but I never expected her to send me such a harsh message today.  It really did seem so out of the blue, and it makes me wonder if there's more going on with her and that she's just acting out against me because she doesn't know how to deal with her own emotions.  

I think there's probably some abandonment stuff going on, as well.  Back in September, she texted me and said that we should hang out again.  I agreed, but making plans with her is incredibly difficult.  The next time I did something fun, other than going to soccer games and other places that don't interest her, was when I went to the Renaissance Faire, at the end of October, with another friend.  My BPD friend enjoys going there, and it's only a few minutes from where she lives, but my other friend really wanted to go and had a free ticket from her aunt, so we made plans weeks in advance, which is something my BPD friend just isn't capable of doing.  Since then, I've gone to a concert, gone out to dinner, gone shopping, and gone to the movie theatre, sometimes by myself and sometimes with someone else, but never with her.  But like I said, it's difficult to make plans with her, so I don't even really bother.  

[SummerStorm]

I don't even want to get into the topic of politics but I will. The elections are long gone. A new president have been elected; like it or not. It is what it is.

Very true, but when you work in a high school with teenagers who don't know the proper way to react to this election, this is easier said than done, unfortunately. 

[lovenature]

The rest of it was her telling me that no one wants to hear my sob story, that I need to stop whining about wishing I could find love (I'm a gay woman in a conservative area, so it's not exactly easy), and that I'm a "lying piece of s___." 

PROJECTION!

The rest of your post also shows that she does what suits her depending on her current emotion of the moment; we can't expect someone with the typical emotional maturity of a 3 year old to be able to support us in a mature adult relationship.

[SummerStorm]

PROJECTION!

The rest of your post also shows that she does what suits her depending on her current emotion of the moment; we can't expect someone with the typical emotional maturity of a 3 year old to be able to support us in a mature adult relationship.

One part of it did make me laugh.  She said, "You don't need love to make you happy" or something like that.  This, coming from someone who can't be single for more than five minutes, who posts memes about finding someone who will fix all her broken pieces, etc.  That really did make me shake my head in wonder, . 

Projection is her big thing, so it doesn't affect me as much as it did the first couple of times I experienced it. 

[FallBack!Monster]

You don't need love to make you happy"

If loving and being loive is your blueprint, then yes.

That's my blueprint. Still on my journey.

[Notwendy]

The election has left a lot of people on edge ( both sides) and the recounts are unsettling ( both sides as well- the uncertainty). Unfortunately it has led to some people behaving at their less desirable. While an increase in these behaviors in schools is alarming, I think also - some behaviors in schools have been pervasive. I've been involved as a parent in my kids' schools and parent and school staff have had to be vigilant for bullying over the years. Kids can be cruel- unfortunately some may now feel they have a reason, but cruelty and bullying seems to find a reason.

I understand that it can be isolating to be gay in an area that isn't accepting of it. I don't know how isolated you are from larger areas, but I hope that somehow there are ways to meet accepting people- even beyond romance. Maybe volunteering for your party of choice at more local or state wide election or something different that brings you into contact with people. One of my ways to "self care" is to do something a little bit new- just to change what might be a rut.

One idea I heard along the way is that some of us who grew up with some aspect of dysfunction can replay this by abandoning ourselves. We do this when so much of our focus is on someone else. Their needs, their drama, what they did, what they said. Sure, we do some of this when we care about others, but think of the time and energy spent thinking and wondering about your friend- who seems to not be aware of this, or appreciative or invested in you. She may not be able or willing to give you the support you wish for during a difficult time.

One thing I have read about finding love is that we tend to attract and be attracted by people who match us in some way- and that can be dysfunction as well as our ability for self love. I hope you can direct some of that wish for love to you- and take care of you at this time.

[SummerStorm]

You don't need love to make you happy"

If loving and being loive is your blueprint, then yes.

That's my blueprint. Still on my journey.

The funny thing is that I never told her that I need love to make me happy, but love is definitely something I want in life, and I personally think that's a pretty reasonable goal.  Most people want to love and be loved in return.