When to teach a lesson

[Lollypop]

Hi there

I thought I'd update you on our current situation and ask for opinions on a small matter of birthdays.

Bpds25 still living at home and working regularly but casually (not registered as self employed), not seeking treatment and smoking weed daily. We don't allow any drug taking at home.  He's stable apart from extreme moments (regular) with gentle but immature GF of 18. He's convinced GF she needs help and she had a mental health assessment yesterday.

This latest development with GF is worrying but I'm saying nothing. I hope that it may encourage him to seek treatment. I can tell this relationship is dodgy and his old behaviour pattern with girlfriends is starting; he's distancing himself and she reacts by clinging. What will be, will be.

I've given BPDs a deadline to buy his own vehicle. He did save enough money but then spent a considerable portion of it; the consequence was that we spoke about it as a "blip" and I carried on driving him on the understanding that I was going to stop soon. I then gave him a deadline: next week he'll have to sort out other travel arrangements to work. I'm determined on this and he appears to understand.

Bpds continues to be selfish, unhelpful, unkind. On the positive, his room is reasonable, he's clean and washes his clothes. It's calm, supportive and friendly at home.

I'm tired and impatient.

It's was my younger sons 16th birthday yesterday.

Bpds ignored it, despite saying he would treat him. This is usual. Nobody ever gets a birthday or present. It makes me feel very sad, particularly for my H and younger son. We've all learnt to not expect any kind gesture but it still pains on the day.

Bpds spent the entire day and night playing runescape at a neighbours. This was planned as he'd organised an extra day of work at the local drug desler's fathers hiuse (the supplier). Bpds did say "I haven't said anything because I thought you wouldn't be pleased." It came about because BPDs was waiting to buy weed, dealer was drunk and incapable, supplier father refused to supply until some wood was chopped. Dealer swung an axe and kept hitting a curb, BPDs took over and chopped the said wood so he could buy his weed. Bpds enjoyed the experience of taking control of the situation and then was pleased he got offered further work based on his performance. This all took place on a local council estate, hardly anybody works. I'm not being a snob, we live in a semi-rural place, everybody knows each other. Believe me, anyone with any intelligence wouldn't choose to live there. My BPDs did when he moved into a shed following an ultimatum made by me "no more drugs" (5 years ago); he knows everybody on these few roads. He always gravitates to the lower end, makes friends with undesirables and takes pleasure and pride in his superiority. I'm getting side tracked from the intention of this post - sorry!  

He came home to collect some cigarettes, walked into the kitchen, saw the hot cake on the cooling rack and greedily cut a huge piece out of it. This was the birthday cake. It all happened in a couple of minutes and he disappeared again. I called him straight away and told him what he'd done, he did apologise and did seem genuinely sorry. I was angry and bothered. I cobbled the cake and I'm sure it'll end up being one of those stories that people may laugh at. I'm sure BPDs made a joke of it with his friend - boyish prank.

Anyway, back to the birthday problem. This is the first year we've all been back emotionally together (ish). In July, my birthday got ignored by BPDs and the GF was dismayed by BPDs behaviour. She asked me about it and I was honest and said we'd learnt to not expect anything and she said "I'm having a word with him, it's just not right". My parting words to her were "you've got to be very strong with BPDs" and she nodded (she's weak!). Anyway, BPDs wished me happy birthday later in the day and said he was planning on buying me something in our holiday. This of course never materialised. I was miffed and decided that I'd had enough of this cycle. I promised myself that on his birthday in November I was going to ignore it.  

Bpds asked what younger son got. I know that this was specifically to find out what he may expect next month for his own birthday. They've always been treated the same.

Does anybody have any experience of ignoring a birthday to teach them a lesson?

Part of me feels that, as a mum, I wouldn't do anything so hurtful. Part of me thinks, he'll be really sorry when I'm dead.

I'm determined to carry on loving and supporting him. This doesn't include being spiteful. He will get a vehicle, he will get his self employed paperwork and he will live independently; I'm determined. We make progress.

But birthdays? Any ideas or opinions most welcome on how you deal with this in your own family.

Thanks for reading

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rockieplace]

Hi there. I have some personal experience of this with my BPDd34. A couple of years ago, before she plunged into deep crisis she had completely ignored my husband's, her niece's and sister's birthdays. My husband was particularly hurt as he had been super supportive of her in the previous months and it was his 65th so he refused to sign her birthday card. I did my usual - baked her a birthday cake, laid on a little family party, wrapped up a few nice but inexpensive presents (she had been 'borrowing' money which we had no hope of getting back as usual) so decided not to splash out.  When she saw that her dad hadn't signed the card she went bolistic and stormed out and sat, crying in her car.  In retrospect I think we should have talked to her about our feelings before the day and tried to avoid the drama on the day itself. It is so hard not to do a tit for tat isn't it? If I'd only just got her dad to sign the card and gone ahead with the scaled down presents and maybe a shop-bought cake, not only would it have been better for her but also I wouldn't have ended up feeling resentful for all my efforts!  Hope this is helpful. Good luck and lots of hugs to go with it.   

[Lollypop]

Hi RP
thanks for your story and it helps me understand that I need to keep my eye on the longer term goal. Plus it's also about how I feel and I'd feel rubbish if I ignored his birthday. So taking your advice, it'll be an appropriate level of celebration.

The good news is that I had a very lovely phone call from BPDs today "I know I don't say it enough mum but I'm very thankful for giving me lifts to work. I can't thank you enough. I'm really excited about getting my car tomorrow and you'll never have to do it again!".  Hallelujah

I hope your daughter continues to grow RP and you're enjoying the space and doggy walking!

L

[Lollypop]

I read this today and it's apt

“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”

- don Miguel Ruiz -

[Yepanotherone]

Hi LP , I totally understand where you are coming from and the frustrations that the selfishness in our BPD kids bring out . It's sometimes mind boggling to me just how warped my DD's thinking can be and she's pushing my buttons right now for sure !
I think you've probably drawn this conclusion yourself , but it probably isn't a good idea to not buy your son anything for his birthday , you'll only feel bad about it yourself and it gives him potential ammunition . You could possibly share with him though that you considered not getting him a gift because you feel his lack of thought for everyone else's birthday is very hurtful , and you felt for a moment that you wanted him to experience that hurt so that he could develop his empathy skills . You could explain that ultimately there is no way you couldn't get him a gift , but yet you'd love for him to be more considerate for others . Might sharing your thoughts openly bring a little empathy out in him . We can but hope ?

[Lollypop]

Hi yep

Thank you and a very good suggestion that I think I'll take up. I had a conversation with BPDs yesterday evening about something that happened last year and his selective memory was amazing. Our perceptions of what happened were quite opposite. I realised it was about lack of communication because we were at a very low point then. We are in a better place so I'll be able to talk to him about birthdays in a less accusatory manner and more centred.

Thanks

L

[Supersadmom]

Hi,
I'm new here. After 10 plus years of counseling for my BPDd, and gallons of tears, fights and verbal abuse, I've chosen to distance myself from her due to stress and anxiety. She has a bday coming in December and i. Struggling wirh acknowledgin it or not. She spent 6 weeks traveling this past summer b4 heading off to college out of state and frankly I am financially strapped w paying her rent and phone. I'm feeling somewhat guilty but also feel I need to save myself since I can't save her. She also drinks heavily and has add so takes adderall. I'm literally at the end of my rope.

[Bright Day Mom]

Hi LP, I don't really have anything to add as the advice given is good.  We have to be the "stronger/better" person in these instances.  So of course celebrate the bday and make it special 'cause we all know if you didn't they'd never let us forget it (and we'd torture ourselves w/tremendous guilt!)

[Lollypop]

Hi there

So this new event is a turnup for the books.

Had a challenge with my youngest nonBPD16 an I'm currently in a very upsetting situation. I've sobbed.

Here's the background.

Son mentioned a big essay a few times over the last couple of weeks. I knew he was worried about it.

Mon: homemade birthday cake for son, special vegetarian meal for all with side dishes (GF is vegetarian and I'd gone to a lot of effort), birthday card with handwritten long message "so proud" etc, increase in monthly allowance to £40 and expensive shoes on order (we agreed to contribute £100 but we wouldnt pay for all of it). Son said he'd had a great birthday. All good? Apparently not.

Tue: I asked him about essay and he seemed unsure but said he was ok. On asking a few questions he admitted he knew virtually nothing about the subject. Essay is due Friday. I helped him out by explaining stuff and we watched a video (20 mins) which we stopped more than a few times to question each other our understanding. He got it and I knew he felt a lot better. I felt useful and good.

Wed: son in a very bad mood after losing an after school game. Son was slumped upstairs practically asleep at 8 and not doing his homework. I prompted him and he got arsey. It told him to have a shower and to prepare for a test on Thursday or sleep if he was that bad; that he still had time on Thursday to do his essay. He stormed out in a rage and said he was having a shower.  I took away his phone and iPad so he wouldn't be disturbed by the GF or distracted. I remembered a bit later that His computer was on so he had access to GF by messaging but I left him alone. I went to bed early and he woke me up about 10 pm and said can we try and sort this out and I asked him "what do you want me to do?" He said "I don't know myself" and he left. I'd had a glass of wine and really didn't think it was a good idea to speak with him so left it. Perhaps a mistake on my part.

Thu: this morning I helped get his lunch ready and made him breakfast. There was an atmosphere.  I asked him if he was ok for the test and he said "I really want to leave last night unsaid mum, lets put it down to me being really tired." I said ok but that I was only asking if he had managed to do any revision as I knew he was very tired.

I decided to go onto his computer (he has no password) to see if he was texting GF yesterday evening. Indeed he was.

It's a constant thread each day of the same comments. I love you, you're the best, we will be forever, naked this, boobs that, I'm so lucky, I'm ugly and fat, I'm not clever, you will always have me to lean on.  Constant seeking of reassurance of this soulmate relationship. Practically every waking hour for months and months. What, they never get bored or have anything else to say to each other? I was expecting obsession but oh my god it was just bleak reading at the entanglement. He lied a few times "my dad switched off the wifi" to exp,sin why he didn't respond.

In between love texts:

GF says "she treats you like SHxT and its like you're not even her son."  "I really don't like her and she acts like She's never done anything wrong."  

GF is shocked that I can "treat him so badly especially on his birthday" and that if I didn't send him a special birthday card she was going to have serious words with me. That "she (meaning me) doesn't deserve an apology", that "as usual she fuxxs it all up" and "she always makes it about her."  "In three years it'll just be you and me and you don't even have to see her if you don't want to."

So GF objected to us not taking them out to dinner and particularly that he's never been "allowed" to choose where. That this is required to make the birthday really special. He suggested he may not even get a card (honestly, has he never got a card from us) and I've no idea where this came from.

As far as going out, we're relaxed. Sometimes we do, sometimes not. Mostly we keep it local and we agree together (depending on mood and bank balance). my son would never ask to go a specific chain of restaurant; he has no knowledge if them really as we live in a semi-rural place. The nearest chains are 15 miles away so our choice is just country pubs. We do things differently than her family.

I don't have to make a comment about my thoughts of this young lady. However, the response from my son just cut like a knife. He objected to shop bought birthday cakes that I've bought in the past -  (what the heck? They were from waitrose and cost an arm and leg!).

Referring to birthday - My son says  "I want nothing to do with her after I leave"

Referring to homework,  "I despise her", "she's being like a "cxnt".

I can't believe it. I've spoken to my best friend and this helped a lot. I did get her laughing when I said "well, we're from the north and shop bought cakes ARE posh!".  

All teenagers hate their parents but I would never have believed he could be so vile. He's called his own mother a cxnt.

Being a parent is just so bloody hard.

I've spoken to son after school but didn't tell him I read his texts. I went over his birthday and problems with homework etc, told him I loved him. He said "everything is fine mum", "I love you". Blah blah.

So very sad at this situation that has emerged.

We take them to London on Sunday for a treat. This is out of the ordinary but I thought it would be good to get to spend a bit of time with this young lady and be a treat for them as he's 16 now. They could spend the afternoon together and travel back with us. I'm sorry I ever arranged this trip.

How naïve I am.

[Yepanotherone]

Oh LP please don't take it to heart , I too have read my DD's texts in the past ( I went through her phone when she was first hospitalized to try and figure out what on earth was going on as at the time I had no idea she was struggling ). I read some absolute whopping mistruths in there , and some really horrible comments about me " honestly my mum is being a complete b___ , she pretends to be this really nice person and everyone likes her but she's just a cow " blah blah blah . My heart and gut were in knots when I was reading it and I was so upset at the time . She was sharing these thoughts with her boyfriend . I think these teens say and do a lot of things to create dramatic effect . I try to let the bad stuff wash over me now . My DD and I had a bit of a tiff the other night ( she wanted to stay over at her friends house for the 6th night out of 8days -she's obsessed with " sleepovers " right now .) she was texting me at mid night , woke me up ! Asking if she could go ! She wouldn't let up and I eventually just went through to her room and told her to quit it . Next day I was feeling really annoyed with her , not to mention tired because I stayed awake the rest of the night worrying that she was going to sneak out . The next day she started her nonsense " I'm not going to the IOP tonight because I feel nauseous , and I'm not going away with you this weekend I'm just going to stay home ( we have our friends arriving from Scotland tonight and we have a fun weekend planned and my DD knows there is no way she's getting left alone at home so she's coming , like it or not ! I'm not having her ruin our friends vacation !) together with other rules she's pushing me on ( like coming in 45 mins later than agreed , not tidying her room despite promising all week to do so , not doing her schoolwork and me getting an email from the principal eyc etc ) so to say my tone of voice was probably not as even as it should have been when I told her " get in than car you ARE going to the IOP tonight and you WILL be coming along with us this weekend , and I'm not listening to one more word about it , you'd be wise not to push me, I'm trying my best to stay calm here but I'm seriously going to lose my temper very shortly ". So I got the " why are you being such a b___ ?" Comment ! I kept my cool and just pointed to the car . Get in !
Oh she's pushing my buttons ! Grrrrrrrrr! The name calling wasn't nice to hear but hey ho .
I'm not proud of my tone and irritability with her these last couple of days and I'm trying to find my zen again . I know it's unhelpful when I'm irritable . Sometimes though , being nice and calm all the time gets me no where ! She's caught up on her schoolwork , she's tidied her room , she came in on time last night and she's talking to me today without the tone , eyerolls and attitude !
Hang on in there LP , I know you'll be hurt to the core right now , but honestly , I doubt very much that your son believes these things he's written , sounds like the girlfriend is not a particular you nice Person and is influencing what he feels he should be writing xx

[Lollypop]

Thanks Yep

I know exactly what you mean about being cool and calm (which is a great and powerful feeling) but also feeling that it gets you nowhere. It does though, progress is being made but you can't always feel it or see it. Maybe the progress is the "calm".

My BPDs is 25 and we've been working really hard on communication and supporting him the right way. I'm stronger than I've ever been with him. Set my deadline and like magic he reacted and sorted a problem. I've learnt to be firm but loving.

My youngest son is 16 and is at "that" age. I'm not sure why I've been so very upset about this episode. It's certainly a reminder to keep on working and use my new skills on him. Strangely, I don't validate with him as I should. I'm confident that there's no BPD, but he does have anxieties so I'll try harder.

It sounds like you've got your weekend sorted, come what may. Enjoy your weekend. There is a life to be had that doesn't involve BPD, enjoy those moments!

Thanks for your advice and caring. I was grounded enough not to react, only to cry. I think the reason was because after 10 months my strain lifted yesterday morning - BPDs25 bought himself his first car, this was a huge step for us all. I think my strain lifted only to read younger sons horrible comments. I was caught off guard.

It's important to take care of ourselves.

L

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders