Dealing with signs of BPD in dil

[Aguakaty]

I'm new to this. Have been dealing with difficult relationship with dil and son for past 9 years, always hoping things would improve. Recently suggested counseling for them, my husband and self to see if we could get outside opinion and resolve the seemingly endless issues we encounter. We were told by my son and dil that we are the source of all their problems and the only thing that they fight about is us. They refused to get counseling with us and so we decided to go ourselves. after our third session with the counselor he suggested the book "stop walking on eggshells". We are shocked to see so many traits of BPD in our dil. Our relationship,with them has been increasingly deteriorating and it involves isolating themselves and our 4  grandchildren. We haven't even seen our 1 month old new granddaughter. Our hearts are broken and we really don't know how to walk thru this.

[Pilpel]

Stop Walking on Eggshells was the first book I read, too, after dealing with my SIL.  Ironically I came across it because their son was constantly bullying my son --and they were doing very little about it.  I looked up bullying and came across information about NPD and BPD and it was a light bulb moment. 

We have used the methods described in SWoE to communicate with the SIL.  And it has helped quite a bit.  But it's really difficult to begin.  It doesn't come naturally.  She no longer sends us long FOG emails when she's upset about something, but she will request that we have a reflective listening meetings.  I sometimes think she tries to use the reflective listening as a tool to get her way.  But overall it's been positive.  When her feelings are acknowledged, conflicts don't escalate.  And she can --kind of-- start to empathize back again. 

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  It's heartbreaking when you are denied a relationship with your grandkids.  My SIL doesn't do that.  But I have a friend whose sister has excluded her parents and has been manipulative and spiteful.  It's painful for the parents, and seems pointless considering the parents are pretty decent people. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Aguakaty:  
I'm so sorry about the situation with your DIL and son.  There have been several other members who have posted recently with the same problem.

Unfortunately, we can't change people with BPD (pwBPD), only the way we interact and react.  Is your son completely unmindful of your DIL's behavior?  Might your son have an issue with being codependent?  

Have things been difficult with DIL from the start, or was there an event (s) that you can identify as a turning point in her behavior?  You might want to read about SPLITTING. Sounds like your DIL may have painted you black.

They refused to get counseling with us and so we decided to go ourselves. after our third session with the counselor he suggested the book "stop walking on eggshells". We are shocked to see so many traits of BPD in our dil.

I went to therapy to explore what was going on with my sister.  My therapist suggested I get the book, "Stop Waling on Eddshells" as well.  There is a lot of good information on this website and you will find some links to the upper right of this post.  VALIDATION is another tool that can be helpful.

Learning various communication skills can be helpful.  You will probably find that you will never be able to discuss anything controversial with your son and DIL (or have an opinion about things in their life).   Perhaps, with some strategy, you can get back in their lives.  You may have to just go with the flow, and accept what is possible (without debate and any conflict viewed from their side).  You may not have a normal relationship, where you can discuss things and sometimes disagree.

[jdtm]

Learning various communication skills can be helpful.  You will probably find that you will never be able to discuss anything controversial with your son and DIL (or have an opinion about things in their life).   Perhaps, with some strategy, you can get back in their lives.  You may have to just go with the flow, and accept what is possible (without debate and any conflict viewed from their side).  You may not have a normal relationship, where you can discuss things and sometimes disagree.

I have lived what you are now living.  Eventually, our former DIL left our son and abandoned her children.  Our life was very very difficult.  Please heed the above quote - that is very wise advice.  I spent so much time trying to change things - especially myself - tried to make things right.  It can affect your health.  Honestly, the best you can hope for is a chance to see your grandchildren and maintain some semblance of a relationship with your son.  But, it is not all bleak - those grandchildren will grow up; we now have a close relationship with them.  Our son - still working on it.  I am so sorry ... .