help uBPD mom, NC turning family against me

[peonylove]

I have posted about my mother before. I only realised she has BPD 4-5 months ago when my counsellor first told me it might be the case and I started looking into it. I have no contact with her since January after a huge fight. All childhood pain was just too much and its tearing me apart.
She texted me just now saying that she is disappointed in me that I didnt give grandma a call on her birthday, which I didn't do because she is on my mothers side and she always screams and shouts at me and  tells me I should go to hell. I really wanted to call but I was afraid. She is saying that grandma is praying for me and is really disappointed. Also she said that grandma wants to take her ring back that she gave me 2 years ago after it being promised to me for years. (its her familys ring and I wear it everyday since). I feel heartbroken that she is doing this to me. I don't know what mom has been saying to her and other people in the family and I feel so in pain right now. I have finally felt better now after going through so much and I don't know how to cope right now, I'm so lost... .really need some advice or some support right now

[isilme]

#1 - sorry you are going through this.  It's hard when you have not just one person in the family who is part of the dysfunction, but other who are also dysregulated or reinforce their version of "normal".  The family will likely see you as the cause of any strife, because it's the easy thing to do.  This does not make it true.

#2 - just cuz your mom says grandma is upset does not mean she is.  Your mom is trying to make you feel afraid, guilty, obligated to respond in the way she wants.  She could be lying, exaggerating, and making things up. 

#3 - I know it's not the best help, but the BPD is talking.  There may be a wonderful person lurking in there with the BPD, but your mom may never be free of the BPD.  Remember - whatever is being said it's usually not true or it is exaggerating.  You are not a bad person, and protecting yourself from not talking to people who shout at you and make you afraid to call is totally okay.  It's okay.  You do not need to talk to someone who is mean to you, it does not matter if it's mom, grandma or the president of the United States.  This is not being mean.  It's a protective boundary.  It's healthy to have a boundary to protect yourself.  Skin is a boundary that protects us from illness and germs.  Walls are a boundary that protect us from strangers and weather.  Boundaries are necessary to be a healthy individual.  BPD is a bit like the blob from the B-horror movie - it wants to absorb you and make you part of it so you can be controlled and do what it wants.  If you are an individual, it can't do that, so it gets mad. 

#4 - those of us who grew up with this have a hard time telling someone, "No, you don't get to make me feel bad."  We feel it's our job to make them happy, keep them happy, and no matter how sad it makes us, how hurt it makes us, to do anything else feels really weird at first.  I felt very guilty for having friends when I was first away from my mom.  It was like I was cheating on her, allowing myself to be around and like being around other people.  It takes time to get used to allowing yourself to not feel bad because someone else has dysregulated emoiotns you cannot control.

[Kwamina]

Hi peonylove

It has been a while since you last posted. You had finally been feeling better but this recent incident  has clearly shaken you. How are you feeling now?

I think isilme has made some very good points about the need and your right to protect yourself from abusive people. She is also right that just because your mother says certain things, does not mean that she is telling the truth. Considering her BPD traits, it is likely that your mother is projecting her own inner turmoil and negativity onto you.

Having a support network is invaluable when recovering from an abusive childhood with a BPD parent. Are you still seeing that counselor?

I hope you are feeling somewhat better today

[HappyChappy]

Hi Peonylove,

I’m sorry you are having to go through this. I went NC 3 years ago and found the first year or so quiet wobberly. Mainly because it takes time to heal properly. Now, not so bad. It is frustrating that our BPD can manipulate those around us, but my first big lesson was accepting we can’t do anything about that. But from what you say, it sounds like you need to heal from your childhood, more than anything. So as hard as it is, you probably need to ignore things that distract you from that goal. I.e. you BPD. And that probably means ignoring her flying monkeys, i.e. those sending you her message by proxy, or you grandmother who doesn’t sound helpful to you right now. We are taught to put our BPD mothers first, so another lesson we need to learn is put ourselves first when ill. So it sounds like you are doing the right thing, as rough as it may feel right now, but so long as you are also doing things to heal, it will get better. So what things are you doing to heal ?