Into the madness again (vent)

[NorthernGirl]

DH has sole Guardianship of SS22 who has special needs. UBPD mom filed for sole Guardianship last year but after a hearing this year, a judge ruled DH should be sole guardian. UBPD did not do well in court - it was obvious to everyone in the courtroom but her that she would not be the guardian.

Now, six months later, has UBPD filed a formal complaint with the Guardianship office. All the same stuff she claimed in court: that DH puts SS22 at risk because he lets him do normal things. So we learn the drill. The Guardianship office didn't read the judge's decision so don't know uBPD's pattern. So DH sends the decision, which outlines the same issues and the judge's view that DH is doing the right thing. But it's not enough. They interview SS22 on his own, and then DH. DH involves his lawyer - more $s. We now wait for the ruling on the complaint but it would seem they will send something saying there was no validity to her concerns (doubtful they would try to overrule the judge's decision). Apparently uBPD needs to do this several times before the Guardianship office can stop reacting to her complaints.

Meanwhile SS24, an addict who is enmeshed with his mom, relapses. Lands back at his mother's place after she threw him out a few months ago. She allowed him back because he sent off abusive texts and Facebook posts to DH. It is their pattern; if he wants something from his mom, he slams his dad.

SS22 was scheduled to go to stay at his mom's this past weekend. DH sits with SS22 before this and explains he doesn't have to go with his brother there. SS22 loves his brother but has seen him drunk enough to not want to be around him when he's using. But SS22 is adamant he wants to go to his mom's and that he will call if anything isn't going well. He goes and things go bad. SS22 finds his brother's stash, is confronted by SS24, etc. He doesn't tell his mom (doesn't want her angry) or DH (doesn't want to be banned from seeing his mom) at the time.

When SS22 arrives at our house, he is visible upset and spills the beans. SS22 says he doesn't want to go to his mom's when SS24 is there but he is worried she will get mad if he tells her. DH says he will tell her and sends an email. UBPD responds that she wasn't aware of the alcohol and drugs but poor SS24 is depressed because his dad won't apologize for the problems he has caused so it is really DH's fault. And if DH could just apologize, everyone would be fine. DH ignores.

SS22 gets texts from mom - please call me. We get SS22 to his T first. T reminds SS22 he's not responsible for SS24 or mom. SS22 calls mom and she is as sweet as pie. He is shocked because he thought she would be angry. Then she says 'that's okay, you just go tell your dad that since he is working and I am not, he should pay for SS24's next treatment program.' (He has been to 5 of them, all picked by mom.) SS22 was so relieved he didn't get blasted, he was happy to do what she asked. DH reminded SS22 he doesn't need to be his mom's messenger, which they have discussed many times. When SS22 realized he had been used by his mom, he was confused and upset.

What a mess. I am so tired of her antics. And of watching how it turns SS22 into a mess. He is easily manipulated and his mom is a master. It's an uneven playing field.

Sorry for the long vent. I just can't burden my family and friends over and over with this stuff. They thought the court decision was the end. We knew it wasn't but we're hoping for a longer reprieve and more help from the 'system.' No such luck. So we wait for her next attack. Which might be soon. Even though there is no ruling on her first complaint SS22 says his mom was asking him all sorts of questions and typing stuff on her computer. And he said she had all sorts of official documents with his name on them she was working on. Even he thinks it was her next complaint. She doesn't have a job so is focused on rescuing both SS22 and SS24, again.

It is all so draining. I am working at looking after myself but she sure doesn't make it easy.

[Nope]

Ugh. I always feel so bad for you. The rest of us just sit here and count down the years, weeks, days before the kids turn 18 and the worst of it is finally over. I have no advice. Only a deep and profound empathy. Hang in there. It sounds like SS22 loves his mom but also basically has her number and doesn't go into denial when she pulls something. So at least there is that.

[Kwamina]

Hi NorthernGirl

This situation is definitely frustrating. It is sad that things are this way.

The bad thing is that you've been through it before and now face another round of this. That's also perhaps the good thing that you've been through something similar before, as difficult as it was, you managed to come through.

As you look back upon your past experiences, are there any lessons you've learned that might help you with this new situation? Have you perhaps gained certain insights that can benefit you now as you navigate your way through these problems?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[NorthernGirl]

Hi Kwamina and Nope - thanks for your comments and thoughts. It was a good reminder Board Parrot to look at what has worked before. I thought I'd share a few thoughts on that.

We try to bring up things we are grateful for at mealtime - and I push a little harder to eat at the table when things are rough rather than letting SS22 watch TV downstairs while he eats. I buy and cook healthy food, despite moans I get. I make sure I get lots of exercise and encourage it with the guys. They both ran a big race today - a great accomplishment after months of training and a definite positive boost.

I have been taken up learning mindfulness to try to help me through the messy times and get more fulfillment overall. Maybe I wouldn't have done that if these challenges hadn't been there. I try to practice Loving Kindness and similar meditations to silently send uBPD good wishes. I know her life isn't easy. I need to keep at this.

I am trying my best. But there are still days when I wonder if she will fight DH (and me) until she breathes her last breath. And I still cannot quite come to grips with the impact she has had on her three sons. So there is still work ahead for me.

[Kwamina]

Sounds like you are doing some great things

I need to keep at this.

I am trying my best.

This pretty much sums up the expeirence of many of us. Just keep on trucking and focussing on the things you can do and keep doing your best, there is nothing more you can do.

But there are still days when I wonder if she will fight DH (and me) until she breathes her last breath. And I still cannot quite come to grips with the impact she has had on her three sons. So there is still work ahead for me.

Well as you prepare for the work ahead, know that we are here for you when you need support and advice

The Board Parrot