Brand New to Forum

[William K]

Thank you for welcoming me in... .At this point I'm seeking conversation with others who understand coping with a BPD spouse and their addiction. I'm also at wits end trying to figure it out.

As background, I have been married for 29 years and my wife displays most of the points of BPD, which I began to understand 6-7 years ago through the work of counselors, self-study, and her interactions with our four growing kids. Before then I had not heard of BPD but I knew anxiety in general was a problem. Around that same time I also realized she has an alcohol addiction that currently includes the "closet" consumption of 1 1/2 - 2 bottles of wine per night. In retrospect, I believe the addiction has been occurring for at least 10-15 years, or perhaps for our entire life together. Three of our four children are out of the house and our youngest is a sophomore in HS.

I could write many chapters detailing how I got to the moment of seeking this support group, as I know is likely true with most people in this forum. But the short of it is, I'm to the point of not having any hope that an effective treatment exists and I wake up most nights wondering about the future. I'm also overcome with guilt at the thought of leaving, and with the guilt of not feeling like an emotionally supportive husband most of the time. Yes, I'm plenty codependent.

[sweetheart]

Welcome William K,

It is good that you are here and sharing your journey. You are right we will be able to understand your frustration, guilt and hopelessness, many of us felt this way when we first came here.

You and your family have gone through a lot, I can hear how hard it has been to deal with both BPD and alcohol addiction.

The focus of bpdfamily is overtime to understand the illness and with advice and support become more emotionally resilient.

Are you and your wife involved with a therapist, marriage counsellor, or psychiatrist at the moment?

What support is there for you, do you have family who understand what has been going on?

[waverider]

You are in good company, my history, and that of many others will closely mirror yours.

you may not be able to fix her but you can make the situation more tolerable so whatever she does will not so adversely affect her. Keeping her monkeys in her pocket and not running loose in your head if you like.

It may seem selfish but you have to start focusing on you as an individual with a right to your own values. a by product this is you start reducing your part in destabilizing your wife and hence reducing the severity of her distressing behavior.

It is a slowly evolving change, even if a RS does not survive you will reach a place of balanced decision making rather self doubt and desperation.

The goal is thrive not survive

waverider

[JQ]

Hello WK,

Welcome to the this site, sorry for the reasons you're hear but know that no one here will be judgmental. You have had a long journey so far on your current path. We can't walk this journey of self discovery for you, but we can be here when needed when you stumble to offer you a helping hand up, we'll dust you off & then it'll be up to you to continue down your current path, take the path to the right & see where that leads or you can sit back down and do nothing. But know that someone will be here for you if you just want to talk or get ideas what worked for us or what didn't work for us. I encourage you to read the references to the right & at the top in addition to your ongoing therapy and any books you might be reading.

Right from the start you mentioned, "I'm also at wits end trying to figure it out."  I heard something early on in my journey about BPD mental illness that applies to your statement. The 3 C's of BPD - YOU didn't CAUSE it!  YOU can't CONTROL it! YOU can't CURE it! 

As you've probably have learned in your studies over the last 6-7 yrs, BPD is a serious mental / behavioral illness. They are emotional behavioral stunted liking to that of a 3 yr old toddler and I have no doubt that after 29 yrs you could fill several books of examples. You've had to be the adult in the relationship all these years. You've also probably learned that a high percentages of those who have BPD have substance abuse problems like alcohol. My exBPDgf was no different so know you're not alone in the challenges you face.

You've also probably learned that an alcoholic will not seek treatment until they're ready no matter what you say or do to help them get there. My exBPDgf is self aware and knows that the consumption of alcohol lowers her self control & increases her bad behavior & lowers her impulse control, yet she continued to her drinking. You can lead a horse to water ... .is your spouse self aware? Does she go to behavioral adjustment therapy? DBT or something else? 

My exBPDgf has been going to therapy for 25 plus years on and off with multiple therapist & Ph.ds. She has taken mood stabilizers & anti anxiety meds, but stopped taken them when she gained weight which added to her already low self esteem.  The difference of the mood stabilizers was amazing ... .but you can't make them take them. Sometimes she would leave a therapist for what he/she "said" or didn't say or the Ph.d or therapist would terminate the therapy because they couldn't contribute anymore to her behavior modification or improvement and would recommend someone else to see if they could make a difference.

You have admitted to being a codependent aka a NON as most if not all of us are at this sight. In my journey I had to really dive deep into my life and determine why I was or had become a codependent. Once I learned that it helped me in part move forward in my relationship with my BPD. I also learned the BPD was a serious mental / behavioral illness that no matter how much loved her, no matter how hard I tried to help I was never going to help improve her condition or improve our relationship, it was always going to be filled with flying monkey's riding the crazy train roller coaster.

I really commend your patience & love for her. But I can tell you are at a point in your life as your children have just about all left the nest what is next for you? How will you interact and manage your relationship without the "distractions" of your children now that they are gone. Valid questions worthy of in depth conversations not only here to share you thoughts, point of views, and maybe learn from others ... .but a in-depth conversation you need to have with your therapist.

I know the guilt you have with thoughts of leaving & moving forward in life seams to be insurmountable. You mentioned, "the guilt of not feeling like an emotionally supportive husband most of the time." Really William you shouldn't sell yourself so short. Any person who has been with someone their entire adult life for 29 years has been more than supportive in my humble opinion. I can't imagine what 29 years with someone with BPD has done to your own physical & mental health. You are an amazing man with incredible patience of a Saint.

I've come to learn that YOU are responsible for YOUR own happiness. You can't & shouldn't depend on someone else for your happiness ... .they can enhance it but you can't expect them to "MAKE" you happy.  YOU are not responsible for someone else's happiness ... .or their choices, behaviors they do or make. We can't tell you to stay or go nor would we do either. I know you're trying to figure your way through the FOG of it all ... .

If you haven't yet, I would encourage you to read, "Stop walking on eggshells", "I hate you, don't leave me" and "The Human Magnet Syndrome" all of them should be able to find  in your local library or online if you haven't read them yet.

I want to Welcome you again to the group and I sincerely want to wish you peace & strength on your journey to self discovery and your path forward.

JQ

[William K]

Thanks for all these great replies. As additional background and to answer a couple of the questions, yes, I spent quite a bit of time with Stop Walking on Eggshells. It was at the start of my realization and it was suggested to me by a psychologist colleague of mine who had become familiar with my wife. It was quite an eye-opener and it helped me understand a lot of confusing pieces.

Through my profession I had good access to mental health resources, including one primary LLP who I saw for two years. The advice from her, and from another shorter-lived counselor earlier, was to not enter into marriage counseling for the sake of my own sanity. This conclusion actually came more in the form of a plea, following sessions that included my wife on four separate occasions. My wife saw an LLP and a psychiatrist for about a year and has been on Prozac off and on.

About a year ago, I met with a university professor in my area with a specialty in the study of treating individuals with a mental health/addiction dual diagnosis.  He explained the unique challenges of BPD/alcoholism and he couldn't offer much hope for a successful outcome. And he explained the high $$ cost. Nonetheless, a few months ago I felt I needed to take a next step and I called a large mental health facility in my state, learned how to go about getting her into a program, and then attempted a peaceful, loving, firm, prayerful, one-on-one intervention that failed to get her into the door.

Most recently, my 23 year old daughter and 21 year old son became aware over the recent holidays of the full extent of my wife's addiction. Growing up with it, they never connected her late night silly behavior with alcohol. They had always thought she just became sloppy when she was tired at night and really, after so many years of addiction she tolerates two bottles of wine amazingly well. But since they haven't been living at home for a while they had a clearer perspective when they visited late enough one night in early December to witness her drunk. We have talked about it quite a bit since and we have decided we will likely do nothing towards a significant next step until after my daughter's June wedding.

For me, on the plus side, I belong to a church and I have great support from a small men's group that is fully aware of my circumstances and we meet every other week. A minister of my church is also in the loop. On the down side, I'm continuously lonely for companionship and I don't see any chance that I'll ever become content taking on the role of an abstinent caretaker.

In my rational moments I know that my next step needs to be to make a plan towards becoming free from this relationship. In my best times it's exciting, including the thought of beginning a new relationship eventually. Sometimes at night the words of the Michael Buble song play over and over in my head--I just haven't met her yet... .But I have a ways to go to allow myself to do something that seems so heartless as leaving.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey William K., Welcome!  You have come to the right place.  Agree, we all arrive here via a circuitous route.

In my rational moments I know that my next step needs to be to make a plan towards becoming free from this relationship. In my best times it's exciting, including the thought of beginning a new relationship eventually.

Right, that's the point, finding the path towards greater happiness, which is something only you can discover.  For some, it's about staying and using the tools; for others, it's about leaving the drama and turmoil behind.  I can't tell you what to do.  The answer, I suggest, involves listening to your gut feelings.  Try thinking from the neck down.

It sounds like you have a good support group, which is important, because living with a pwBPD can be extremely isolating.  By the way, I think its quite common for a person w/BPD to have alcohol or substance abuse problems, too, as a way of self-medicating their turbulent emotions.  At one point, I joined an Al-Anon support group to help cope with my W's alcoholism.

Hang in there and post more when you are ready.   

LuckyJim

[waverider]

Al-Anon is a good first step along the path of clarity of your environment. It gives face to face support to help you along the path towards Acceptance of what you can and can't control.

[Wrongturn1]

In my best times it's exciting, including the thought of beginning a new relationship eventually. Sometimes at night the words of the Michael Buble song play over and over in my head--I just haven't met her yet... .

Welcome to the forums!  Attempting to be helpful and supportive instead of critical here:  The lines above looked like red flags to me.   You have a lot of work to do on yourself and your codependency before you start dreaming of a future relationship with someone else. 

With your degree of codependency, once your marriage were over, you would be highly susceptible to running directly into the arms of another disordered woman.  Frequently, the reason we "nons" end up in relationships with disordered people is that we are uncomfortable NOT being in a relationship.  To be able to contribute to a healthy romantic relationship, it helps to first have the emotional muscles and sense of self to be able to be comfortable and fulfilled just by yourself, without a romantic relationship with someone else.

[waverider]

In my best times it's exciting, including the thought of beginning a new relationship eventually. Sometimes at night the words of the Michael Buble song play over and over in my head--I just haven't met her yet... .

Welcome to the forums!  Attempting to be helpful and supportive instead of critical here:  The lines above looked like red flags to me.   You have a lot of work to do on yourself and your codependency before you start dreaming of a future relationship with someone else. 

With your degree of codependency, once your marriage were over, you would be highly susceptible to running directly into the arms of another disordered woman.  Frequently, the reason we "nons" end up in relationships with disordered people is that we are uncomfortable NOT being in a relationship.  To be able to contribute to a healthy romantic relationship, it helps to first have the emotional muscles and sense of self to be able to be comfortable and fulfilled just by yourself, without a romantic relationship with someone else.

This is important. pwBPD's other side of the coin is that they are extremely good validators when they want to impress. Hence those just exiting an abusive or invalidating relationship are easy to impress with a whole lot of "Nobody understands me as well as you, your ex must have been mad not to appreciate you, my dreams are just the same as yours, my interests are the same as yours... now we can live the life you have always dreamed of... etc"... It is very hard to resist this when you are broken.

The grass i sgreener because it is sprinkled with more" fertilizer"