My daughter threatens suicide about once a month

[Mother Bear]

I'm seeking support from other mothers who have a child who continues to lose jobs and then threatens suicide. I am in therapy to use my coping skills when she does this, but I think I also need support of others who feel what I feel.  I think I'm going to lose my mind eventually.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bright Day Mom]

Mother bear welcome to the BPD Fam! 

I know how very difficult it is living with a child who suffers from suicidal thoughts. I have been trying to make sense of it to see where I went wrong as a mom.  Thru a lot of counseling I've learned that these mental health disorders don't discriminate and affect people of many background.

How old is your D?  Is she currently in treatment w/counseling on medication? It took my daughter several hospitalizations and, many medication combos and 8 months in a residential program before I can say she has improved and the suicidal thoughts have subsided.  I believe it is Lithium that is FDA approved for impulse control / suicidal thinking, and needs to be at a therapeutic range to be effective. 

Do you often blame yourself and feel I have provided a loving  / supportive upbringing why would she not want to stay?   I raise this question to myself quite often.  Can you imagine the pain our children must be in to have these feelings and not think there is an alternative to ending it all?  I would do anything to take the pain away / trade in an instant, but  unfortunately they have to do the work and it takes time.  I had assured my D that she deserves to live a peaceful /happy life and we were going to do whatever it takes to get there.

It is great that you are seeking counseling and reaching out here BPD.  We're here to help one another.

                                                                 

[Mother Bear]

I'm not sure I'm posting my reply in the right place or not but I hope you can see it Bright Day Mom and thanks for writing to me. The reason I'm in this forum is because I feel very alone with my stress and sadness. My therapist, husband, and best friends all help me but cannot fully understand therefore cannot offer what it is I really need. I need to talk to other people who have been through this.

When my daughter was 2, her dad passed away and I have raised her alone. Although I'm in a super healthy marriage now, he doesn't understand the fear I feel. When she was in high school, she started showing signs of BPD but it wasn't until after being kicked out of school twice, failing college, falling into the prescription drug world, then 3 months of rehab and halfway house programs, then an honest attempt at suicide last July which resulted in an ER psych consult that we got her diagnosis. Finally, a name for this madness.  So I flew to St Louis where she lives and enrolled her in individual and group DBT therapy and she is doing great... .until she's not.

When she goes dark and misses her therapy appointments (typically when she's lost another job), she threatens suicide and I tailspin into what I now call my panic spells. Honestly, the blood drains from my body - where it goes I have no clue- but I shake uncontrollably and I go numb and I hate everyone who is trying to help me. I just want my daughter to be OK because when she's ok, I'm ok.

My therapist gives me tips for how to respond to her when she sends her threats. He wants me to "call her bluff" so to speak. And my physician gave me a prescription for Buspar to take when I need to calm myself down (which I have not done yet because I'm scared of pills for obvious reasons). And my pragmatic brain knows that I did a great job raising her on my own and that I shouldn't feel guilty for forcing her out of my house (she is 21 after all) and I realize that if I don't take better care of myself, I will lose my marriage, my job, and will end up living in an apartment with just me and my daughter.

But I need help.  Help from someone who understands.  Every second of every day I fear the phone call that says they found her body. Every day that fear is there like a monster in my belly that won't go away.

[allalone]

i am in a similar situation - i feel sick all the time.  my son is a time bomb waiting to go off.  he is almost 22.  he has been taken in 2x for attempted suicide (released after 5 days), got a dui, wont follow probations rules for attempted possession of drugs.  He used to work and be a good kid.  Now i dont even know him.  I have xanax for my anxiety but rarely take it.  I cant be too sound asleep in case the phone rings.  Im scared for me and him and Im ruining our lives not knowing what to do. 

If anyone has any good ideas - ill listen - ive tried to kick him out he wont leave and i cant get a restraining order.

[Mother Bear]

allalone: is he willing to do DBT therapy? WHEN my daughter goes, it seems to really help.

as for living in your home, have you suggested charging him rent? I told my daughter she could only live with me if she paid rent so she's never bother trying that route. Closing my door to her during the "street" days was the hardest thing I've ever done but I'm so thankful I did it. She didn't die. She found a place to live. and I'm certain it made her stronger. If I had given in, it would have destroyed the rest of my family.

I wish I could help you more. I'm so sorry. I know just how you feel. I'm just as lost but the thought of living with her would definitely be worse. I wish you luck and strength.

[Bright Day Mom]

Mother Bear I know the sadness you feel all too well!  You are right, unless you've sailed these uncharted waters nobody would be able to begin to imagine the magnitude. It is difficult seeing your child who you've worked so very hard to raise in the best way known to suffer. 

It sounds like your D is somewhat cooperative at least with participating w/the dbt sessions.  Your "panic spells"sound so frightening. Maybe try the prescription and see if you get some relief during those time.  I understand your hesitancy, but you deserve care too.  I've suffered some depression during our 2 year ordeal and what has helped me is to get out and run. It clears my mind and at the end I get the "runners high" that feels FANTASTIC and I'm able to be a more productive wife and mom. Do you have anything that you use as an outlet?  If not, time to search for one; self care is so important.

How do you feel about "calling her bluff"?  My D's friend completed suicide last year; we were w/her the day before and there were no signs of what lied ahead. She seemed happy and improved.  Thru my D's treatment I've learned many times that is the case because they have a plan and are living one last day before their end and feel relieved.   

You have done your best on your own raising her and are strong.  We are here to help each other.  Hope you have a Bright Day!