Proper boundaries

[Lockjaw]

I have been reading and looking at articles here. When having boundaries is stated, what exactly would be some good ones?

With my GF, I have said I don't want to hash out an argument while I am at work. She has blown up my phone, cell and office, and will message me incessantly. Do I ignore or answer? Seems to me ignoring would be proper, but... .then there is what she does.

The thing that frustrates me the most with her is that she will not discuss her issues. There are like two sets of rules. It's ok for her to do something, but not me. She always finds a way to justify her doing something that I get fussed at for doing. What would be some examples of a boundary or two to have there?

The abandonment is a big one too. I love to deer hunt, and guess what, bow season opened 3 weeks ago. I have gone twice. When I was married I went all weekend long. I took this afternoon off to go, and she wants me to go do something with her, when we have been arguing all week. It's just a never ending viscous cycle of me trying to balance. And heaven help me if she thinks I am ignoring her. That is when you see the rage you read about.

I might add I am a single dad with custody of 2 boys, so... .i am busy with them during the week with their home work and test prep.

My counselor suggested my GF has BPD, I think she has traits for sure. She is very smart and high functioning, probably smarter than I am, so... .not like I can sneak things by her. And the thing I read where they are very good at reading their partners, totally true.

[livednlearned]

Hi Lockjaw,

People with BPD tend to have no boundaries, need lots of reassurance, and struggle with trust. When you leave (if even only to go to work), it may trigger her feelings of abandonment and she worries this is it, he's leaving/doesn't love me/I'm unworthy, etc. She then seeks constant reassurance, while also being mad at you (this is an easier emotion to tolerate than taking responsibility for her own thoughts/actions).

In your situation, this might mean deciding how you will communicate during the workday (email, text, voice), how long, how many times, etc. You have to be firm -- don't set the boundary unless you know you can commit. Otherwise, she will learn that pressing harder brings results.

She probably hates herself for being so needy, and does not feel better when you give in, though you would be hard-pressed to understand why she might work so diligently to get your attention, only to be mean. Once she is emotionally aroused and on the roller coaster, what you do will not make things better for her, it will just bring the object of her anger closer.

Ignore/answer is a binary that never works. There is a middle way, and that is to give her a lot of validation and reassurance, to help give her some structure in your absence. Some people handle this in different ways. I've heard of scenarios where no boundary is made explicit, it just happens. For example, only responding to her messages when they are positive, and ending the call when it becomes abusive. Others might do some early prep, detailing how you can be contacted, and when you will respond, how long you will talk, and what topics cannot be discussed. Unfortunately, all the work will be on your shoulders, so whatever boundary you set, be prepared to see it through.

And prepare for an extinction burst. No one likes change, and having a boundary come down after having free reign is hard for anyone, even more so for BPD sufferers.

Whatever you do, make sure you take me time for yourself. Chipping away at who you are and wearing you down makes you weak in her eyes, even though it seems to be what she is hellbent on doing. Resist it gently with communication skills, and be prepared for pushback. And know that you being strong and confident is exactly what she wants and needs, it's what she fell in love with in the first place, is a guess. When she takes away that confidence to feed her own needs, she ends up resenting herself for what she was able to do to you.

Complicated, I know 

[Lockjaw]

She doesn't have good boundaries. Neither does her mom. It's really funny how you see things from the outside looking in. Her mom can call her and tell her all this stuff she needs to do, and it pisses her off. But she will turn right around and do it to me. And if she can see she does it, she sure can't admit it. It's the most bizarre thing I have ever seen.

And she didn't like me pulling back the reigns either.

She struggles a lot with my kids and team work. What I said is your "standing" to have input increases depending on our committment to each other. Just dating, I will listen to your opinion. If we are engaged then we need to have a different conversation, if living together in some fashion, then even more different.

I see the abadonment thing. It is really the only "card" I can play with her. She is very smart. I wish she could see things from my point of view.

One of the things she hates is me reading a book like I am reading about my sons right now, and the proper methods of discipline. She said, "I told you all that months ago, why does reading it in a book make it golden"? You can't tell her hey, you don't have a pyschology degree or years of experience. It's like she needs credit for what she says. Like she never ever was heard or something. I have to figure out a way to be better about that I suppose. Or better about not saying I read a book with concurring opinions... .HAHA!

[livednlearned]

I've learned to never underestimate how deeply inadequate, incompetent, and flawed a person with BPD feels 

She likely has no continuous experience of self, which creates a very unstable and confusing core state. What seems crazy on the outside can be downright terrifying for her, and much of what you see are primitive coping skills that, despite her best attempts, continue to bring her the opposite results of what she is desperately trying to get. If her mother is like this, she truly has no other tools in her tool kit other than what was modeled for her.

Not everyone can stomach giving praise to a grown adult, and yet that is often what reassures them that they are ok. Since she cannot provide this reassurance to herself, she seeks it from you. Constantly. This is a form of validation that can help prevent things from getting worse. Is it something you can imagine doing with her? It tends to work well in conjunction with setting boundaries, to provide the emotional thing she is seeking (but not asking for) so that you can more easily assert your boundaries.

[Lockjaw]

I will have to be more vocal about it and see. The biggest challenge for me is going to be dealing with a playing field that isn't level. I do not function well that way. I told her, since she tells me often that life isn't fair, that while true, I would like at least one place in my world that is.

I think the better thing is for me to not say what I read and if I make changes because of it, if that is the same as what she says. I just need to say I did it because you thought it was a good idea.