I feel like Im the crazy one here...

[tmarshal2016]

Hello all from the depths of my living hell... .I have never posted anything before but at this point in time I feel I have no other outlets... .I feel I told my friends and yet I don't think they believe me... so here goes... .I currently going through a divorce from my wife of  9 years.  We have two young beautiful children together both in the autistic spectrum. There was also a stepchild involved from her previous marriage who is now an adult.  Going through this hell... .I strong believe the wife is suffering from BPD but not sure.  All I know is that I walk on egg shells whenever she is home and/or when I'm near her  She will go from 0 to 60 in less than a second... she would explode on the smallest things... and the yelling will last for days... .until I do something else wrong... .when we first met I was the love of her life... .we were best friends. Soul mates... I though she was the one so I proposed marriage ... .but now she hate me with a passion and wants to destroy me and take as much child custody away from me and drain my bank accounts. She's a stay home mother ... .since the marriage she never worked... .other than to take care of the children including her other child.  It was this year that she demand for a divorce and said she was done. I saw that she was very serious.  She also told me she stopped loving for the last 5 to 6 years and she had been plan the divorce for the last few years. Initially, I thought she use "divorce" for attention but she always told me I was fine and that I need to accept her for who she is because she wouldn't change and I need to accept that and that I married her with a child.  But when she told me to file for divorce I knew this was serious ... .so I filed and now my world is turn upside down and I am feeling the stress and anxiety and fear.  Did I make a mistake? Is it my fault she's  not happy... she told me " happy wife happy life"... other than being with my kids... .My life truly sucks ... through out the years, I've asked her to go to marriage counselling  with me or mediation to discuss our problems but she always told me "No"... .don't tell me what to do... .at one moment she told me to go for me... .when I went, she then asked me what was discussed in the sessions and then she would discourage me and tell me therapy does not help and I believe her and stopped going... .
and so our problems were never got resolved and the yelling continued... .everything big or small was sweep under the rug of the marriage. It was always my fault... .it ranged from how I looked at my stepchild or what I said to we were never a family because I never accepted her other child... .but she kept telling me that her  child was not mine and has a father ... she further said leave him/her alone... .so I did and now she said I should have been friend with that child... .I could not win... no matter the issue was... .Right now, I still feel that she's right... so many examples are flooding my brains right now... .too many to mentioned... .but I've been blamed for so long that now I'm so beaten down... .most of the times I never said anything to her but she had no problems unleashing a barriage of insults and put downs on me... .she would also yelled at my stepchild the exact same way... .I fear will eventually yell at my kids too... she can appear very kind but she can be very unpredictable and volatile... .mainly towards me... .most of the time like I've said earlier I just took it and sometimes I pleaded for her not to cuss in front of the children (forgot to mention-all the yelling episodes were in front of my two children or in the same room). She would call me pathetic, a depressing person, an ass, a dick, a controlling person and Codependent person who is worthless... .She recently called me  a Narcissist now... to protect myself I put myself in a dark hole and when the yelling began  would go there... .any moment I tried to get out of this hole by speaking up I was pushed back in the hole by her. Don't feel it was my fault. After years of deal with the yelling and the berating, I shut down and both her and I stopped any connection to get her. She did her thing and I used my time with my kids... .I thought that's what she want. I was wrong. I'm always wrong. She would get upset on anything now... .my hell was getting worst.  It was not until the middle of the year she told me she was done with me and this marriage.  I again pleaded with her to attend marriage counseling but she aging said no... She also told me to file for divorce or she will. I realized nothing I did or could do will ever change her feeling for me any longer... .so I filed. When she found out i filed, she royally flipped out... .I was confused... .? ... she told me to do it. Why is she so mad at me?... .since that day,my life has been a living hell... .everyday she would make a comment at me to spite me or make me feel awful and it works... .she blames me that the marriage failed because I never accepted her child and we were never a family... .I told her I was sorry so many times but it never matter... .I think she never wanted to work on the marriage... .but why do I hold on so much of the guilt and still seek hope... .I'm worried for my children... .will they be okay?... .should I have just keep sticking it out for their sake... .Recently she mentioned she been with another guy and she's been leaving and stay out over night during the week days and weekends. She's acting like a child but she's in her mid 40's.  she would say "I want my happiness. you don't make make me happy.  The only nice thing is I'm with my kids but when she comes back, I m back walking on eggshells with her.  She will never change and Im so worried about my kids. When this divorce is finalize, I will not see my kids everyday and that will ultimately kill me. Now, I'm not sleeping very well, I'm waking up at 1 or 2 am and have a very hard time going back to sleep. I don't eat much. Ive lost about 30 lbs in the last 3 weeks. worried about if my kids will adjust and have I abandon them.    Please help.  Am I out of my mind? Thank you for your time.

[ForeverDad]

Am I out of my mind?

Absolutely not!  Many here, myself included, have had similar or identical experiences.  Your distress is situational, it's not about you, it's about the situation.

Have you ever watched the old B&W movie from 1944, Gaslight?  It's about an innocent young bride who is wooed by a nefarious man who does everything he can to make her doubt her own sanity — though not as extremely, vociferously and even violently as we have experienced.  In the movie he had a reason, a goal, for doing what he did, in our real lives it's all about an acting out personality dysfunction (PD) where the person just has to control, manipulate, coerce, demand, confuse and literally nothing is ever enough.

For you as you face legal and logistical issues:
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William A. Eddy & Randi Kreger

For you as a parent of young children:
Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak

Both books are reviewed on our Book Reviews boards.  All of these authors also have websites with additional resources and information.

Others will post shortly their own thoughts and observations.  Please know you're not alone.  You've found peer support here.  We've been there, lived that.  Please take advantage of our hard-won insights and successes.  Believe it or not, there is light at the end of your long dark tunnel.  It isn't that much different from what we faced... .and we survived.  Some of us have already gotten past the worst of it.  Others here are in the middle of the process of extricating ourselves from our sticky messes.  Others too are recent arrivals and just starting to get a handle on their seemingly hopeless dilemmas, just like you.

You Are Not Alone!  We Understand!

[ForeverDad]

One of the many tools and techniques she has used to undermine your self confidence and life is self-doubt.  You worry about so many things that you're virtually twirling in circles and frozen in fear of doing anything that might make it worse.  Here's what I've written before when children are at the center of our worries.

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, overall craziness, etc.  Some 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.

It is good (in a left handed compliment sort of speaking) that when she leaves she leaves the children with you.  You can build documentation that you're the stable parent who is a major, if not The major, caregiver for the children.  You can be the Rock in the Storm for them, a calm place they can feel safe and less unprotected.  Make sure your filing with the court asks for as much parenting time and parental responsibility as possible, don't timidly or voluntarily Gift Away your parenting.

Many of us who had acting-out wives noticed how centered they were about the children, almost as though they felt they were extensions of themselves.  In a divorce, it was almost entirely about the children with control, punishment, retaliation.  If your spouse is distracted by her other relationship(s) and infidelities then maybe she won't focus as much on the kids?  Every case is a little different so there is no single way to deal with it.  Work with your lawyer, your local support including counselor and of course your peer support here.

[tmarshal2016]

Thank you... .ForeverDad... .this is the roughest thing I ever gone through... .this divorce... .she's making it very difficult using the kids against me and still berating about how the problems in the marriage was my fault. It's very frustrating because we still live in the same house... I was told not to leave because it can be seen as abandonment in the eyes of the court... .even knowing the marriage is ending and over... .she found someone else... .why do I still feel that I still need her... .is it because of the years of verbal abuse or is she right that I'm a Codependent... .my mind is going 100 MPH with no end in sight... .I'm waking up every morning between 1 or 2 am... .sweating ... .worried about how my kids will adjust or if they can adjust because they are some what special needs... .I don't know how I can get passed this... .I feel I have a 1000 lbs  weight on my chest and when I see or talk to my wife the weight multiple times 10.  Ivery been reading the book Splitting... .thank you for the suggestion... .still feel I have no real support in my life especially when the wife make certain hateful comments about my so called friends... .and the fun thing is I still believe her... .crazy huh?

[ForeverDad]

why do I still feel that I still need her... .is it because of the years of verbal abuse or is she right that I'm a Codependent

Well, you can't turn off your emotions and switch on a dime.  Well, she can in a disordered way but a normal person like you or me can't.  Give yourself time.  Recovery is a process, not an event.  While you can treasure whatever good times you had in the past — unlike pwBPD where all ended relationships are cast as Bad ones, it's that Blame Shifting behavior — you need to accept that it belongs in the past.

... .my mind is going 100 MPH with no end in sight... .I'm waking up every morning between 1 or 2 am... .sweating ... .worried about how my kids will adjust or if they can adjust because they are somewhat special needs... .

I would wake up in the middle of the night too, with my mind racing, but it was instead where I was in a terror that the police might arrest me that night for all the allegations my then-stbEx was making.  Years have passed, I can look back and see that nothing happened, I eventually got custody, eventually got majority time.  But it was definitely touch and go with my fears back then.

Back then I had concerns my son had some indicators of autism too, he was slow to begin talking, also he wouldn't look me in the eyes, that was when he was 2 or 3 years old.  I recall discussing it with the pediatrician.  But I also recall pondering whether the dysfunctional and combative home environment generated by my then-spouse was the major contributor.  Ponder that.  While I don't know your case details, there may be a possibility that the autism spectrum of your children may improve or even fade away if they have at least some of their lives in a calm and secure home where they can just be kids in a relaxing atmosphere.  So while it may be difficult now, have as your goal to provide a calm and nurturing home for your children for as much of every week as you can get.

[Ove120062]

I think most of us have experienced what you are going through. I know Foreverdad said it, but it should be said again. Document! You say she leaves at nigh and leaves you with the children. You need to be writing that on a calendar. Keep it at work since it will upset her if she finds it. If there is anyone there, have them watch you as you write it down on the calendar so it won't be contested in court.
You are not what she says you are. I too have been called the same by my uBPD ex. The more time you spend away from her the stronger you will feel. Remember how you felt prior to meeting her?
Be prepared to fight for you kids through an attorney. The future is uncertain, but you will see that your kids need a stable person in their life and you get to be that stability. You need to appropriately fight to make sure they are with you as much as possible.
Try to avoid that dark hole you say you go into. That isn't healthy for people. This place can be a stepping stone to avoiding isolation, but the goal is to be around friends and family as well. Friends and Family, along with using this peer support will help you.  People here have been in situations like you, and here we get to help each other.

[tmarshal2016]

Thank you, Ove120062 and ForeverDad

the goal is to be around friends and family as well. Friends and Family, along with using this peer support will help you.  People here have been in situations like you, and here we get to help each other.

It's difficult to express my craziness to my friends. Sometimes I think I might not have any friends. Most of them have no idea what a BPD person is and Most of them don't know what to really say to me.  They are also going through their own problems.  I guess I'm saying is that I feel like I'm a burden to them especially when I call them to express what the wife did today or how she would twist something I said and place the blame on me... .and believe or not... .I would believe it and assume it was all my fault.  6 years I've been walking on egg shells with her. Not known what her mood would be when I got home or if I look at her a different way or saying some that she felt was disrespectful... .and Now I am so scared and petrified that my kids will suffer. Again I feel that I'm abandoning them and I'm a horrible father.  If I only just sucked it up and not file for that divorce... .it would be okay but it's not she does not trust me (that what she says now)

My sleepless night or mornings are thoughts of my children... .consent thoughts are: If she is with someone else, who is he? and would he hurt my kids.  Now, I wont see them everyday. I wouldn't be there to help them with their homework or feed them.  Ever since they were born into my life, I've always been there. They are my life.  When they were babies I had not problems changing their diapers, feed them , give them a bath, watch over them everyday.  the wife would tell me I was "controlling" but my intentions was only to help her because I knew they were a handful at time.  I realize the future is uncertain but right now... .at this very moment... .It truly hurts so much.  I have no motivation to do anything. I constantly think about my kids every moment and I m so worried.

[ForeverDad]

constant thoughts are: If she is with someone else, who is he? and would he hurt my kids?

Today's reality is this:  She is an adult.  As poorly as you may properly view her behaviors, the courts these days don't care.  In fact, if you tried to restrict her actions, such as "stay home with your husband, you can't go out", then the legal system could view you as the controller, the one acting improperly or worse.  Yes, that throws the principles of trust in marriage on its head, but that's the way things are.

So remember that, the legal aspect is that she can do virtually anything with her life and actions.  (Ask your lawyer to be sure of your local laws and policies.)  Sadly, that means if she is determined to go elsewhere and do her thing, whatever it might be, your only choice is whether to tolerate/join her or Let Go.  Anything else and you risk her charging you with being aggressive or worse.  You most certainly don't want to get arrested or have the legal professionals (police or court) view you as a controlling ogre.

This is an extreme illustration, but it is to demonstrate my point.  Even if she decided to be a call girl and hire herself out, you can't stop her.  Remember, she's an adult.  Your alternative would limited, such as to stop your intimacy and end the relationship/marriage.  And if there were children then you'd make your case to the court why it would be best for you to have as much parenting and responsibility for the children as possible.

I spoke a lot about legal aspects.  Note this disclaimer, we're definitely not lawyers here, we're peer support.  So be sure to consult your proactive, experienced lawyer before taking action or when pondering strategies.  But we have had our encounters with a variety of legal situations and have gained some insights.

[tmarshal2016]

Today's reality is this:  She is an adult.  As poorly as you may properly view her behaviors, the courts these days don't care.  In fact, if you tried to restrict her actions, such as "stay home with your husband, you can't go out", then the legal system could view you as the controller, the one acting improperly or worse.

I understand what you are saying ForeverDad however... .my comments were as a concern father dealing with my children being raised by another person... .which does scare me... .I understand she is an adult however she does behave as a child... .especially .when she speaks to me... .the reality is I'm very scared of the outcome of this divorce... .I realize she is done with this marriage and want to live life as a single person but there are children involved... .my children are my life and now I feel that I cannot protect like I can right now... .again both my children are in the autistic spectrum... .I feel so helpless... .I'm not trying to be controlling ... .I just want my kids to be protected... .

[Panshekay]

You are not crazy.  Don't give up on yourself or your kids.  You are not alone.  Your letter could have been written by our son.  It's hell and unless someone has gone through it or has relatives who are going through it it's difficult for others to understand.  As a mother watching her son go through this it is devastating but he has gotten so much help and advice on this site. It has been a GOD send.  What I have found comforting is seeing everyone's stories, it makes me realize we are not alone, we haven't lost our minds.  It's unbelievable how many parents are going through this.  Stay strong!  Everyone is here for you! 

[ForeverDad]

I understand what you are saying ForeverDad however... .my comments were as a concern father dealing with my children being raised by another person... .which does scare me... .I understand she is an adult however she does behave as a child... .especially .when she speaks to me... .the reality is I'm very scared of the outcome of this divorce... .I realize she is done with this marriage and want to live life as a single person but there are children involved... .my children are my life and now I feel that I cannot protect like I can right now... .again both my children are in the autistic spectrum... .I feel so helpless... .I'm not trying to be controlling ... .I just want my kids to be protected... .

When I focused on her as an adult able to do more or less what she wanted, I was not dismissing your concerns for your children and how they would be raised.

Just about all here share your concerns.  Who is or will be my Ex's next partner, my replacement?  Will my kids have their dad replaced?  Here are a few thoughts, I'm sure others here can expand and add their own observations and what has worked for them.

(1) Many family courts do seem to award default preference to mothers, that's how it felt to me when we separated.  (However, many mothers here also lament how much trouble their squeaky wheel ex-spouses are, so it's not just 100% gender issues.)  For example, I started with every other weekend (EOW dad).  I too worried by whom and how my preschooler would be raised.  My best advice is to seek as much parenting responsibility and parenting time as you can get from the court to you can remain a meaningful part of your children's lives.  It appears many dads just accept that they should pay child support and see their kids EOW.  You don't have to expect just the minimum, you can and should seek more.

(2) Family/domestic courts do not take a predetermined stand against either party, upon exiting the marriage, from remarrying (or hooking up) to others.  So while you may worry "who will parent my kids?" that is not a big concern to courts.  Yes, orders do often state children should not be introduced to BF/GF of the week, but generally it is only weakly enforced.  Just about the only reason CPS or courts will step in is when there is substantive child abuse, neglect or endangerment.

I know you're concerned about being edged out of the kids' lives or being 'replaced' by a new dad, but if you're proactive seeking good orders with you as a very involved parent, you can limit the downsides.  If your Ex does try to limit your parenting or parenting time, then you many need an in depth assessment by a qualified evaluator, called a Custody Evaluation.  Many here, myself included, have had them.  Typically they're the second most expensive part of a divorce, next to the cost of a lawyer.  But they are very helpful IF you get an experienced and perceptive evaluator.

[tmarshal2016]

Recent events with her have left me with so many questions and concerns... .feeling again that I'm going crazy... .she has to comment on something to see if I respond... .normally I'll stay quiet and she will either make or comment or leave... .a few times I've taken a stand ... .only to have her made comments about why we don't get along and she happy we are getting a divorce... .I trully feel no matter what I say or do it does not matter... .she will go so far to make comments towards the kids... .like "mom loves you so much... .give me a kiss"... .just to see if I react... .she can be so crude and she knows that... .Why is she doing it... .what's the purpose of getting that rise from me... .I know She love it when she gets under my skin... .Please I welcome any advice... .it kills me inside when she there.  Please help