How to confront Grown daughter

[Nami mommy]

Hi, our 32 year old daughter, who has lived on her own since graduating college, has quit her job and insisted we support her dreams of becoming a writer. She verbally abuses my husband and threatens if he doesn't financially support her she will do something drastic. He is afraid not to help her because of past suicidal behavior. (She was diagnosed with major depression at age 15, then bipolar, then BPD). We don't know how to challenge her decision to sublet her apartment and drive across country with 2 pets and stay at our (empty) summer home for the winter. She talks with me as if I have no idea she is abusive to her father. I'm afraid to say anything to her because she will turn against both of us. She'll be leaving her therapist and doctors, and live in a town where she has alienated the only person she knows ( my sister) with her explosive behavior. She says it's only for 6 months, but we are still wary. Financially, it's not a burden, but we don't think it's a good idea for her mental or physical health. We just don't know how to say no without setting her off!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Nami mommy,

The suicide threats must be so hard for you and your husband, following on the heels of her past suicidal behavior.

I remember in the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me there is a section on double bind scenarios like the one you describe, including one that deals specifically with suicide threats. It is in a section about SET (support, empathy, truth) statements and a good explanation of how that particular communication skill works in different situations. There is also a section on SET skills in the sidebar to the right, although I found it was helpful to read through different scenarios in the book to find situations that reflected my own, and apply them almost word for word.