Introducing Myself - My adult sister has BPD and it is harming our family

[shortysil]

Hello All,

I am new to this forum and thought I would start by posting an introduction about my experiences with my adult sister, who has BPD. Moving on from the lengthy details of how we came to be where we are, my family is currently in a battle (there's really no other word for it) with my sister. Roughly 3 months ago, her symptoms had become so extreme that we suggested taking her son (age 6) and daughter (age 9) for a short while to give her the space she needs to seek treatment and get better. Quite frankly, her behavior had made us fear for their safety, so the motivation was two-fold - we also wanted to ensure the children were safe.

My oldest sister, moved across country to care for the children at my mother's house until BPD sister was well enough to take them back. Quite quickly, we realized that a short-term solution was no solution at all. BPD sister continued to act in extreme measures - admitted herself to a mental institution, she later "ran away" in the middle of the night (she left what we thought could only be a suicide note) only to come back the next morning like nothing had happened, act out in extreme anger, etc. etc. After spending time with the children, we also realized that, while we have no proof of physical abuse, they have suffered extreme mental abuse by BPD sister.  Oldest sister ultimately gained legal permanent guardianship of duaghter, while son went to live with his biological father (a good man that we have come to trust throughout this whole ordeal).

All the while, BPD sister is refusing to even admit the possibility that her actions are causing anyone else harm. The "Familiar Fights" page of BPD Central (www.BPDcentral.com/help-for-families/familiar-fights/) is our every day experience. While she is seeking treatment, she is insisting that she is bipolar and an addict (to alcohol and marijuana). We are not doctors, but my family is adamant that this is not a correct diagnosis, she fits the profile of BPD perfect. In fact, she has all 9 of the characteristics outlines by the DSM... .We could only hope that her treatment would help inadvertently and not further antagonize her current symptoms. Unfortunately, from her behavior, she only seems to be getting worse. She increasingly denies she is doing anything wrong, blames us for everything, and as of last week is insisting that we purposefully stole her children from her with no regards for her needs/wants. She has also threatened to get a lawyer to sue oldest sister and son's father for full custody of both children again. The fear alone of what this legal battle could do to my family, especially the children, is paralyzing.

I live in another state and have been mostly communicating remotely (although I did take quite a few last-minute emergency trips home to help my family). From the beginning (years ago) I have been supportive of BPD sister in any way I can, but I had set firm limits for myself and did not sway in ways that would harm myself and my life to help her. As a result, she essentially cut me out of her life. So, my main priority is to help my family - my oldest sister, my mother, and my niece and nephew.

I'm currently reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" (which led me to this site) and I am learning a LOT. But, there are still two areas that are nagging me and I just can't seem to figure out how to proceed:
1) My niece - While my nephew has been affected by this, he is younger and is not presenting as many concerning behaviors. He is also now living with his father, and I am unable to see him as often. My niece, now living with oldest sister at my mother's house, has exhibited MANY behaviors that are concerning. She's struggling to understand why this is happening, what is wrong with her mom, and why can't she still live at home. But, she is a SMART cookie. She's starting to resent her mother for her behavior and is catching on that "my mom always lies to me". She's even started realizing that the stories her mother tells her are to encourage her to be on "BPD sister's side" and resent my family for taking her away from BPD sister. I just don't know how I can be there for niece in the best way - I'm afraid something I say could just make things worse, and, ultimately, I'm afraid that as she gets older her experiences will really start to come out and she will struggle because of it.

2) My mother - I saw from the beginning that BPD sister and my mother had entered into a textbook abusive relationship and it had been happening so long that they both do not know how to get out of it. I'm learning that BPD sister's behavior towards my mother is actually not so uncommon in BPD. One minute she loves my mom, my mom is on a pedestal, and she can do no wrong. The next minute she is cursing at my mother, harassing her, and blaming my mom for all of her problems. The guilt that my mom is suffering is unbearable. She doesn't know how to communicate with BPD sister without fear for herself, she doesn't know how to get out of this cycle, and she is really struggling with being pulled in 2 directions - does she do what's best for my niece and nephew or does she help BPD sister? Are those two things different or one in the same?

So much for trying to write the "short version" of my story :-) Thank you to anyone who gets this far in my post - I know we all must have tales to tell and I look forward to reading everyone's posts and learning more about BPD and how my family might be able to find peace.

Best,
shortysil

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome shortysil:     

I'm so sorry about your family situation.  The "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book is what lead me to this website as well.  Perhaps you can share some of the information with family members.  Take it a lesson at a time.  If you can unite your family with certain strategies to use with your BPD sister, it can make a difference for everyone.

The links below will take you to some information on strategies that can help. Click on the green words below to view specific lessons. A good place to start is with setting boundaries, validation (avoid invalidation) and avoiding circular arguments (Don't J.A.D.E. - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain).    SET communication and WISE MIND can be helpful as well.

Here are some links to check out:

SETTING  BOUNDARIES

VALIDATION

VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE

AVOID CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

SET

WISE MIND

It is probably a good idea to start having some talks with your niece about her mom's  BPD.  The information at the two links below can be helpful.  The strategy and depth of the discussion should differ in accordance with the age, personality and situation with a particular child.

https://www.pa-fsa.org/Portals/0/Docs/Parents/Challenging-Situations/Helping_Children_Understand_Mental_Illness.pdf

www.aacap.org/aacap/families_and_youth/facts_for_families/FFF-Guide/Talking-To-Kids-About-Mental-Illnesses-084.aspx

Check out some of the lessons and information and let us know what you think.  

[Turkish]

How old is your niece, and what kind of behaviors is she exhibiting? 

Communicating remotely is hard,  but it's good that you have that line.  Though toy aren't a co-parent, the lessons on the Co-Parenting board may help you talk to the kids,  specifically validating their feelings.  Naughty Nibbler linked some info on validation. Aside from people with BPD, it's helpful with anybody,  especially children. 

[shortysil]

Thank you so much for these resources Nibbler! I just finished the book last night and am completely blown away at how helpful it has been. About 50% of the way through I actually bought copies for my mother/oldest sister and hope that they find it as helpful as I did. I will review the resources you have posted (thank you!) and look forward to learning more!

Turkish, thank you as well for your response! My niece just turned 9 years old. The most prominent behaviors we've witnessed are:

• Trying to grow up too fast - she insists on her independency, to a fault. She is also exhibiting some severe body image issues, is worried about her weight (she is NOT overweight), wants to wear makeup, bras, etc. and insists that she is a teenager. While she is very mature, the behavior has been alarming - she should just be able to be a kid and enjoy life!
• Abrupt mood changes - she can be happy one minute and raging or depressed the next. Normally, once she calms down, she will understand that her behavior was not okay (not that the emotion wasn't ok to feel, but the way she treated others in the moment was not okay) and is very mature in her responses to these discussions. She has an amazing ability to see reason, just not when her mood abruptly shifts and while she is still "in the moment".
• Emotions towards her BPD mother - At first she didn't understand what was happening. We talked her through it as best we could, but now she is struggling to not resent her mother. She feels her mother has been lying to her (she has... .) and is putting her in the middle of a battle with the family (she is... .). We've done our best to explain her mother's illness to her, and let her know that she is not in the middle of it all, we all love her very much, she can talk to us about anything, and, ultimately, she is allowed to just be a kid and let the grown ups worry about worrying!

In recent weeks, my BPD sister has been putting my niece in the middle of things - she insists that she is "all better" and my niece can come back to live with her, leaving us to tell my niece that that is not actually reality. My BPD sister is also playing the kids against each other - telling my nephew that his dad will let him spend the weekends as his mom's house (not accurate) and that if my oldest sister would just be nicer to her that my niece "could have come too". On the last supervised visitation, my oldest sister agreed to a 2 hr visit. My BPD sister requested 4 hrs, but it wasn't possible for my oldest sister's schedule. Immediately after the conversation, my BPD sister texted my niece (my niece recently "earned" an iPad with her allowance and is learning how to use technology, don't worry she doesn't have a phone! She gets to "text" during her scheduled "tech time" with my brother-in-law (who is a programmer)) saying "I get to see you tomorrow, aren't you so excited? We COULD have had more time, but your aunt won't let us."

I'm fairly sure my niece sees through it all, but that doesn't necessarily make it easier - she is just left feeling resentment and anger towards her mother... .

[Naughty Nibbler]

 shortysil:  
The link below could be helpful to improve communication, so as to have a more healthy communication triangle.  At the end of the article, you will find information on how to get to a winning triangle of communications.


https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

[Panda39]

Hi shortysil,

I wanted to join Turkish and NaughtNibbler and Welcome you to the bpdfamily 

Thank you for sharing your story with us.  I know you are getting a lot of information that will be helpful to you (your mom and older sister), it sounds like you have issues surrounding your niece that many of us that co-parent with a pwBPD (person with BPD) also have to contend with. 

I wanted to invite you to post on the "Co-Parenting" Board for support, ideas, and tools to assist with issues surrounding your niece.  Below is a link to the Co-Parenting Board or you can click on "Boards" Tab at the top of the page and get to any of the boards that way.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=9.0

You might want to refer your mom and older sister here too.  My SO (significant other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) and he and I both are members here.  It has helped us get on the same page in terms of strategies when dealing with is ex and we speak the same language.

Take Care,
Panda39

[shortysil]

Thank you, everyone! I see I have a lot of reading still to do and am looking forward to it!