Questioning myself on drama triangle & child protection issues

[Lollypop]

Hi

I'm in a situation that was caused by me reading my son16 texts. I haven't admitted this to him, his girlfriend or her parents.

This post isn't an emergency, it relates to the practical day to day problems in dealing with emotions, consequences of actions and a wider issue of child protection. How things can escalate despite me trying to stop them escalating.

I have a BPDs25 and my son16 has anxiety issues, can be reactive and he is unable to understand the real reason why he feels the way he does. I'm viewing his behaviour as normal teenager hood at this moment in time. He's stretching with muscles and views me as "b___ mother from hell". He's started to have sex with his underage girlfriend (she's just 15). This is illegal. I found out in the texts.

I've been dealing with this situation trying to be the responsible adult. Ive caused a storm within this close circle of four parents and two teenagers...

I booked some counselling for myself with a lady that helped me last year when dealing with BPDs25. It's a free counselling service providing at the college where I'm taking my degree.

In our first session I told her what I've done and was surprised that she told me what I had to do. My experience was that she just listened. She said firmly at the end of the session that I had to make it clear to my son that what he was doing was illegal, that if he got caught there was a risk his name would be placed on the register and any future DBS check would prevent him from getting any job where children were involved. My son16 wants to be a teacher.

I hadn't thought this through clearly. I understood that it's highly unlikely that they would get caught but i felt the priority was to face the uncomfortable truth and ensure no babies.

I knew we'd have to have a conversation with son16 about safe sex but also importantly about the wider risks.

So I did.

I raised it Saturday night in the car when he told me he's decided to be a teacher. He got angry at me. Sunday morning he asked to speak to me and He got very anxious. I calmed him down and Eventually he went for a long walk. He then asked to talk to me again. He got on the attack "how did I know?". I handled it as well as as I could, that he had to stop treating me like an idiot, that i wasn't shouting or telling him off, not judging him and that he was clearly in love BUT that I had big concerns; safe sex, they were too young and not mature enough to handle the emotional responsibility of a sexual relationship, that he should be out having fun with friends, out socialising with GF not spending all their time in a bedroom, too intense a relationship that was affecting their GCSEs AND the risk of being found out.

I felt it was a good conversation and that he understood what I was saying, I felt that some of what I was saying got through.  He's spoken with GF since then and he's not now OK.

My problems are:

Son is very angry and is limiting contact with me. I hope this will resolve in time. I've stopped reading the texts as I don't want to read their hurtful comments.

Third person in the drama triangle is an immature, not very nice manipulator who is just 15.

I think I can cope with the two above problems.

Im curious if anybody out there sees me being too heavily confrontational?

I'm trying to get my approach to assertive and caring.

I'm worrying about my counsellor and confidentiality.  As I now think this through, she's obliged to report any potential harm regarding child protection issues. This is true about the GP as well. AND my sons school counsellor. I think I may need to stop seeing my counsellor as I can't risk her reporting my son16.

L

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

I don't see heavy confrontation, Lollypop.

I have a much less charged situation with my own S15, who has terrible hygiene and strong body odor. Maybe there are parallels.

S15's BO problem been an ongoing issue for 5 years. He fake showers   and I have to get down on my hands and knees to look under the door to see if he is actually in the shower. I have bought him special deodorants, strong soaps, talked to dermatologists, talked to S15, sanitize his sheets and clothing, etc. Guidance counselors, teachers, my SO, my friends -- people have pointed it out to me gently.

Finally, I told him that other people were talking. S15 was so mad he barely talked to me. He told me he has no confidence and I just took the last little bit of confidence he had.

Now that I look back on it, I'm thinking: so melodramatic!

I talked to my T about it and she said that S15 weaponizes my own guilt and uses it against me. It sounds like your S15 is doing something similar, trying to take his affection away to punish you. And for what? For trying to protect him.

He has information he needs in order to make smart decisions, and now he's responsible. He probably doesn't want to be, so he's angry.

And chances are, the anger is hiding some fear that is hard for him to handle as he struggles to become adult in your eyes.

What might not be so clear is, in his mind, your motives. He likely senses you don't like GF and may doubt your intentions here. That piece might be getting tangled up in your sense of guilt, and his source of anger.

[Lollypop]

Oh livednlearned, that's a very hard situation for you. I left home at 16 and lived with my sister and her family. I had a full time job and got promoted about 7 months later and my boss had a private meeting with me on my last day. She explained I had a BO problem; I was mortified, particularly when she told me that everybody in the office refused to sit near me. This explained the office move around. I got over the shame and started to take better care.

Sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind and I feel for both you and your son. I can imagine my BPDs25 keeping hold of that situation for a long while. Your son will mature and be able to look back objectively on this one I'm sure.

Your insight is much appreciated. What you say is true. Thank you as it helps me in my current situation.

L