Thank you for the replies. It is interesting to look at my original post after a few weeks. I did some reading suggested by this website and I started to go to some al-Anon meetings for support--I live an a rural area and there aren't any more specific support meetings. Though the people in the group are almost all dealing with loved ones who have addictive behaviors, I find I can relate to their stories. I'm pretty much the only guy in the meetings, I wish there were men my age that I could talk to, but oh well.
To the two responders--I do some powerlifting type training regularly and it is a great help. That and the meetings are my self-care for now, I guess.
Re-reading my post, this part struck me:
I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't understand why her not loving me the way I'd like hurts so much. I don't know why I can't let go and be more detached from her favor and disfavor. [ ... .] I hate myself for being so fragile.
I've zeroed in on this as the most important work for me. The above is why I persisted in a relationship in which I was regularly abused. I'm not abused anymore, but the above is still a great source of misery.
My wife has continued therapy and the changes in her have been significant. I'm proud of her. I've continued individual and couples therapy. I spent a lot of time (years) obsessing over her behavior and a lot of time in pain that she didn't want me the way she used to. I've never really talked about this with anyone. Not friends or my therapist even. This touches on stuff that goes way, way back to my childhood. Stuff with my family and early childhood. Stuff that no romantic partner is ever going to fix. I've tried to fix it by binging on women when my wife and I were separated. Didn't work.
The reading I've done on BPD and codependency has helped me separate out my wife's stuff and mine, and realize what I can control and what I need to focus on to be whole. I've been able to state more directly what help I need with the children and house, and to take some time and space back for myself. I've been able to talk to her without shifting responsibility for my emotional well-being onto her actions. This has significantly improved things. In general I'm trying to learn to back the f off and get my work and money in order so that I have the ability to leave at any time if I decide to do so in the future. I think today if I made the decision to leave I would definitely be able to do so without hard feelings, which is an improvement.
To whatever extent I've been able to detach and not react, it has helped her to look at her own actions. Previously there was a pattern of BPD-behavior->my reaction->her reaction to my reaction. When I react as little as possible, she's just left with her behavior, and she's had a couple of seeming breakthroughs recently that I don't think she'd have had if I had forcefully "shared" my opinion of some things she was doing. I've gotten some apologies that I honestly didn't know that I'd ever receive, and a retraction of a deeply hurtful rape allegation (that she had only made privately to me and her sister) that I was hoping to maybe address in therapy at some point.
tldr; Some real progress has been made. Starting to feel like my wife is actually my friend for the first time I can remember. Still in the depths of my heart feel like I'm fatally defective and have work to do. Still feel like hope is a poison and am wary.
