Why is there always a double standard

[Lockjaw]

This weekend, I got the conversation about what my 5 year plan is. Mind you I am a single dad with custody of 2 boys, ages 10 and 8. So I said, get a job that pays more, and get them situated so I don't have to spend all this time doing homework.

Then I get, whats your one year plan. Get a higher paying job.

That didn't seem to be the right answer. So I said, what is your 5 year plan?

No answer.

What is your one year plan?

No answer.

Then later she was complaining about her house. Says I never do anything over there anymore. Then we need a plan, we need to get organized. Which I think is code for I need a plan and I need to get organized and I need to listen to her and what she says I need to do.

So I said, you know what? Sometimes my weeks are so hectic with the boys and getting their crap done, that I just want to relax.

So now, rather than see each other tonight, she is going to do some "things" at her house. Last night I started to feel that old familiar feeling again, that my value is simply what I can do for someone. Once I can't do the things they way, I am of no value to them anymore.

And nobody listens to her. She just doesn't get it. She can tell everyone how to fix their lives in 5 minutes, but no one listens. I have contemplated telling her, but it wouldn't matter. No one wants your advice until they ask for it. That is why no one listens. It's always given when she wants to give it, and the person never gets to ask for it.

I wish they could see how they are. I really do. I have given up trying to get her to see what she does. It's just useless. It's always ok for her to do what she does. If I do the exact same thing, its wrong.

What do you do with that?

[storagecold]

<I wish they could see how they are. I really do. I have given up trying to get her to see what she does. It's just useless. It's always ok for her to do what she does. If I do the exact same thing, its wrong.>>

I have been wrestling with this and uBPDw for years. In my situation, she is only happy when everyone is doing exactly what she thinks they should be doing. If I go somewhere without her (which is often, whether it be work, taking the kid out, etc.) she needs to know where I am and what I'm doing at all times, yet if she does the same (as it was explained to me recently) she has no obligation to answer the phone, tell me where she's going, when she will be back, etc. Of course, after she returns, she explains that it's obvious that I "don't care" about her because I didn't try to call and ask where she is.

The course of action I have developed over the years is 1. Realize that uBPDw will always have at least 5 problems/issues with me/everyone else in her brain at any given time; and 2. If one problem is solved, she creates another to fill the void; and 3. the best thing I can do is try to stay ahead of the curve by anticipating her actions and reacting appropriately.

[foodlover]

She probably wanted to hear you say something about how she is part of your 5 or 1 year plan but you mentioned the job and kids. There is nothing wrong with that. You should own that. You said the right thing. Rather than communicate she took a passive aggressive stance and decided to check out of the relationship.

[Lockjaw]

Yet I hear all the time how my boys are to messy, and that wouldn't work for her. Or how they aren't respectful enough. Or now I was scamming her all along since I haven't done anything at her house lately. She tries to make her problems my problems. Instead of just asking me to help her.

Or my favorite. She was just meant to be alone.

She is mad right now because she told me yesterday that I didn't need to come over. So I said, ok, see ya wednesday. She was upset I wouldn't be there tomorrow to take care of her after her pain clinic appt. I said, I have it on my calendar today. More fighting ensues, only to find out the appt was indeed today. So... .I said I would come over, and what do I hear? CRICKETS!

And dang sure didn't hear her say I was wrong either.