How to talk to children about this?

[Ulysses]

So my exH doesn't pay for activities he doesn't want to.  Technically we split them 60/40 per the parenting plan.

My attny told me he has to continue paying for activities that were going on before the divorce.  But he doesn't pay for them and his new attny doesn't think he should have to.  These are things like music lesson (both kids started at 3 years old) and transportation/nanny to church choir.  I've given up on this and simply pay it all.  I don't have confidence it will work in my favor if I take it to arbitration, and I can either spend money on attorneys or on my kids.

Recently we were going to sign up my D8 for an inexpensive sports clinic offered at her school, after school, in a sport she really likes.  I was going to pay 40%, then found out my exH won't pay for the second round of braces for my S13.  It's not covered by insurance, and we've known since S was 10 that he would need 2 rounds, and we were told the cost at that time.  It's thousands of dollars.

H says he can't pay, but obviously it's won't.  In the last 2 years he's taken a 2 week honeymoon to Europe, 2 week-long trips to Disneyland, 1 expensive local vacation with the kids during peak time, 2 brand new cars, and is having another baby. 

I have decided I will pay for my S13 braces because I feel strongly about a kid having straight teeth and aligned jaw for health and cosmetic reasons (both sides of the family have older generations with dental issues due to lack of braces).  In order to do this, I feel I need to cut back on my other expenses, such as activities for them.

I told exH I won't be able to pay for the sports clinic, but if he wants to pay I'm happy to have D do it.  Or, if will pay 60% of the braces, I will pay 40% for the sports clinic.  I'm also planning on cutting out our cable TV, which is one of the only entertainment expenses I have right now, and I know will be a disappointment to them.

How do I tell my children, especially my D, that she can't do this activity because I don't have the money, because her father isn't paying the medical expenses he's supposed to for her brother?  Do I even say this?  It feels like it's going to engender bad feelings all around and create sibling rivalry.  Yet I don't really feel like taking the fall as the bad guy for not "letting" her do the sports clinic.

[Ulysses]

Well after thinking about this, perhaps this boils down to stepping out of the drama triangle, but I'm still doing some thinking about it. 

Last night my exH signed D up for the activity, paid for it, and is requesting I pay for part.  So she's going to start the activity and I imagine I'll get emails about the payment from exH or his wife, even though I said I can't pay for it if I'm paying his share of medical expenses.

In the meantime, exH (well actually his wife sends the emails) sent me an email stating they won't pay for the medical expenses when they're scheduled to begin next month.  They included some pointed comments about how I'm a slacker because I don't pay medical costs since the divorce.  That isn't true, of course.  I pay my % of uncovered costs (plus I'm the one who takes them to appts., pays for parking, pays the co-pays, etc.), and the children are covered on exH's insurance per the parenting plan.

Normally I wouldn't have responded, but since there was an accusation that I'm not following the parenting plan, I felt I had to respond.  So, I sent a brief response and copied my attorney.  If that continues I imgaine it's for another board.

I will continue to think about how best to address things with my children.  I don't want ill feelings all around, and I don't want blame.  I feel like I  have to be so careful in what I say so that I don't scar my kids.  I've gotten to the point where I just turn away from the confrontation and don't take the jabs personally, so that's an improvement.  It's been difficult and I feel it becomes easier as I heal.  I still struggle with how, or if, to address some things with my kids.

[david]

I only state facts in my emails to xBPDw. I will quote the court order exactly as written and nothing else since that answers whatever my ex is conjuring up.
Perhaps you can quote the order with the 60/40 and state how much you have paid and how much he owes. This goes to having evidence in case you are back in court. He can't deny being notified since, especially if he replies, he has an email. Google allows you to send "certified" emails. Google will tell you if the email was opened or not. This would also help in court if he wants to claim he knew nothing about it.
"exh signed D up for an activity, paid for it, and is requesting I pay my part". You can reply by stating how much he owes for other things and just deduct it from that total. You can then kindly ask him to pay the total he owes.