Bit of a rant...
For the past month I felt that my dettachment from my ex was going well. I felt at peace with hardly a thought about her that would give me heartache or that sinking feeling I used to have. Especially because I have been focusing on myself, healing my own wounds and just accepted that she can never make me happy and incapable of so so much in a relationship.
I had recently found my replacement/exBPDgf's friend on a online dating site.
I do not know if they are still friends but they are not together at least officially as girlfriends.
My best friend said that I should at least feel happy that my ex couldn't really replace me as easily as she desperately wanted to.
It made me think though whether she has found someone new because of her friend being on a dating site and that she didn't run back to me but it's none of my business and refuse to even check if my exBPDgf is single or not. Perhaps she really could not stand the girl and pwBPD do not necessarily need a romantic relationship, but can use friends in a similar way... but not call it that as a temporary thing.
Made me think she didn't lie to me when she said she could never love or be with her friend while we were trying to fix our relationship during my recycle. But who knows? Maybe she was confused whether she preferred lovebombing or repairing an old relationship. We were repairing stuff and she was also receiving love bombing from the friend and she took the easy way out and left me again. I spoke to her after 12AM that last night I had with her and she said that was abusive and that I did that for consecutive nights and that was it, the end of our relationship again. Consecutive nights that she was awake playing video games also! Everyone thinks that is unreasonable and almost sounds like a joke to have ended a relationship for. That the friend was just there to help get away from me. She makes it sound likeI was a horrible that seriously harmed her health but yeah, she was using the friend to help avoid the painful feelings that I gave her and friend played rescuer.
I recently called a friend up about the friends profile and he asked me how it is that I can still talk nicely about my exBPDgf. How it is that I still describe her calmly. He explained to me that he knows she has a mental illness however, how is it that it doesn't seem like I am ever angry about it and the way things ended. He also explained to me that he feels more sorry for the friend because she wouldn't have gotten into this mess in the first place if my ex hadn't made her feel like it was ok to get involved and encouraged the cheating. And that makes sense. In the end, it was all about my ex and she hurt everyone. My best friend believes my ex triangulated because she really wanted to get back at me. For me, I think it might be that and well, she just needed a way out and couldn't do it alone.
That made me think for a bit.
I used to be so angry with her friend being around and enabling my ex. I used to be so angry that the friend had such low-self esteem to believing she loved my ex in a matter of weeks and then started love bombing her back making it hard for my ex to let her go and work on our relationship. She was loving the attention but at the same time didn't want to be with her. Urgh. And then a week after our last break up they go on a trip together someplace... but they aren't together together either. I wonder why. Nevermind.
I used to be very angry with myself and blame myself for what my ex felt to want to get back at me for upsetting her when I started having thoughts of wanting out of the relationship and more space from her. I wasn't happy but for some reason I just couldn't leave her either. That FOG was just too strong back then.
I realised I have supressed my anger for my ex for a while now and I think I've just felt it now.
Great anger was for me and the replacement only. All I ever felt was aw poor ex. my poor helpless ex who doesn't really mean to do all these cruel things because she is sick and helpless and needy
Now really looking at what I had put up with, I feel anger towards what she has done to me and the replacement. My friend who is probably healthier and many others describe her as a horrible b**** whereas I couldn't feel the same way for so long.
I am also angry because she chose to leave me when she said she loved me and that she wanted to improve things. Going straight back to the friend just for the lovebombing made me feel like our love meant nothing. That I fell for this really shallow person who only cares about lovebombing coming from someone she said she didn't even like. Thats another thing. My ex said I was the best girlfriend she ever had and yet she can just leave me for something so trivial and for someone she said she didn't ever want to get involved with again but payed her so much attention. It;s all lies and it makes me think what one earth were her set of values to begin with. What did she even value?
I guess the question is...
how much of it is mental illness and how much of it is just being not a good person, period?I am too gentle or speak good of the people I care about. Maybe that is just how I was brought up. To make everyone sound nice as possible when I describe them
. Now when I think how much she had violated my own boundaries, my trust, and not really caring or having empathy for those around her - that just makes me feel angry to even had chosen to love and get involved with her. Yes the replacement was awful to get involved in our relationship but she wouldn't have if my ex did not encourage it. It was all my exes doing! She is the ROOT of all ****
I am not angry anymore by the way
. But it's good to at least FEEL anger for what she did now rather than just list what I had indentified wasn't right.
Did anyone else ever get a delayed reaction with feelings of anger?I tend to look too much inwards in myself I think that had taken me a while to realise that hey sometimes it's not your fault, you were actually treated really badly and didn't deserve it and that didn't ALL come from the inside. Stop beating yourself up! Yeah, the more I think about how I didn't deserve to experience all of this, that I think is when I started feeling anger towards her.
I forget who said it but codependents supress their emotions a lot sometimes we do not know how we are feeling? or why we are feeling a certain way or its real source.
Something like that
