Healing

[Our abuse recovery guide]

How do I remember all the things that happened to me without getting overwhelmed?  I have three kids and I feel like I don't have time to wallow in my past but at the same time I know I have to.  I have realized that my BPD mother has made me feel guilty about being a separate person with my own family.  I feel I am afraid to fully love and trust my husband and kids because it would be a betrayal of her.  Is therapy helpful? 

[Zabava]

How do I remember all the things that happened to me without getting overwhelmed?  I have three kids and I feel like I don't have time to wallow in my past but at the same time I know I have to.  I have realized that my BPD mother has made me feel guilty about being a separate person with my own family.  I feel I am afraid to fully love and trust my husband and kids because it would be a betrayal of her.  Is therapy helpful? 

[Turkish]

Therapy can definitely be helpful, an objective voice to support and guide you 

Your husband and your kids are your primary family . This doesn't mean at all that you are disrespecting your mom by focusing on you and them.  Parents certainly play a critical role in the family.  If she has BPD traits,  however, she's likely viewing it as abandonment.  What,  specifically,  is resulting in trouble?

[Zabava]

Thanks for your response.  I recently had an aha moment when I was talking to my daughter about a friend with BPD traits.  The friend is looking for treatment, so I did some research and in the course of that found a book called Understanding the Borderline Mother.  I read it in one sitting and it confirmed what I had already suspected, that my mother had BPD. 

I have been having flashbacks and panic attacks since reading the book and I am terrified of going any further without a plan or a support system.  Also, I don't want to sink into depression (as has happened in the past) because I have three kids to take care of.  Don't know what to do with the intense emotions I am experiencing or how to pace myself emotionally.

Sorry to ramble.  Thanks for listening.

[Harri]

Hi Zabava and welcome.  Glad you found us though I am sorry to hear of your difficulties.

Flashbacks and panic attacks are fairly common after discovering or even re-discovering earlier experiences of abuse.  So while they are unpleasant, they are a sign that you are ready to process certain events in a new way.  As much as I dislike mine, and I had them on and off for years,  I view the flashbacks as a positive sign that I am making progress and ready to do more healing.

Having said all that tho, they can be quite difficult to manage without support.  Are you able to get therapy?  If so, that can be very helpful tho be warned that sometimes even with therapy, you may feel a bit worse before you start feeling better. 

Please do not underestimate the support and healing you can achieve on your own just by reading and posting here in the community.  Prior to heading back to therapy, this was my only source of support the people here have been very helpful.  I received validation, which is important, but more than that I received honest feedback that helped keep me focused on the things I can change (me) and I was exposed to new perspectives.  So I do hope you stick around.

[Zabava]

Thank you so much!