New - uBPD mother - we all need unconditional love

[sylvi_a]

Hello everyone,

first of all I would like to thank all the people who have been so brave and generous to share their  stories, memories and struggles with their BPDs. Just reading through the message board has been of great help. It has validated how I felt, gave me some useful insight and most of all made feel less lonely. 

I wanted to try to briefly summarize my own experiences, but there is so much to say that I have decided to cut right to at where I am now in the relationship with my uBPD mother. I apologize in advance for any typos and mistakes, but I am not a native speaker and there are not many online resources/boards where I am from.

Right now I feel it's full-on Stockholm Syndrome. I let my mother in again, four years ago, after years of low contact, when my father died: they separated when I was sixteen and were no longer in contact, except for when I had to mediate their phone fights. When I let her in I was very vulnerable and tired, grieving and caregiver to my now 87-year-old paternal grandmother who had sunk into a deep depression.

I let her in. I relied on her economically by borrowing money to buy and apartment of my own after I gave notice to the one I was renting. I decided to move back with my grandmother because of the side effects of the medication she was/is on and could not affort the rent and daily trips to work.

Present day: my grandmother is still unwell. I am moving to the apartment, which is mine on paper and for property/utilities taxes, but in reality is the “apartment my mother sacrificed her savings to buy me”.
If I decide to limit contact (not answering phone calls, not replying to FOG emails), she starts harassing my grandmother, asking her where I am, demanding to know the license plate of my SO, who I have decided not to introduce to her,  contacting family friends she despises to plea her cause, showing up uninvited (by which I mean tricking neighbors to open the condo gates and standing in front of the house door till somebody will eventually come home).

I am very tired and hopeless, sad and angry.  For everybody's sake, and to avoid triangulations and at least get my grandmother out of the equation (she is having panic attracts because of the recurrent intrusions) I agreed once more to have therapy with my mother to solve “our communication problems”: read “fix the ungrateful daughter”.

It has partially worked, as she hasn't been calling gran in a month. Nevertheless, after two sessions with the therapist I fear she might have contacted her beforehand and projected. The therapist hinted that I was splitting and my mother simply dismissed incidents as lies form my part (aggressive and volatile behavior, verbal and physical abuse), she depicted herself as the Victim.

Yes, I am tired. Exhausted. Running on empty. But yet, I know I am resilient.
Yes, I wake up hopeless and a sobbing mess, but still, I kick myself up. Because through the love and trust of the people who love me and trust in me I now that I will cope.
Yes, I am flawed, human, but still worth of trust and love. And I am strong enough to solve this crisis.

And you, all of you, who shared, or haven't yet, you all deserve the same unconditional love and trust.

Sylvia

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Sylvia! 

So glad you have found us and have come to share your story and your hurts and tears with us. We are a big family here, but not the type of family like what we grew up in. My mom was an uBPD too, and it is painfully hard to endure.

I know I am resilient.
Yes, I am flawed, human, but still worth of trust and love. And I am strong enough to solve this crisis.

Yes, you are all of these things and so worthy of all the love you deserve, always. 

Don't feel bad for letting her in because as the Wolf always says, "You don't know what you don't know." I think most of us didn't know what was happening when we became enmeshed. We had to survive. Now you are learning and growing, good for you!

Have you read some books about BPD yet? I know you are reading a lot on the site already from what you said. A great place to begin is with the list to the right, Survivors Guide to Childhood Abuse. -------------->>> Where do you think you are on the list right now? Remember it isn't a linear list, and I've come up and down many times as I discover new things from my past, then I work on the healing and take another step forward.

  
Wools

[sylvi_a]

Hello Wools,

thanks for you warm welcome and kind words.

I indeed feel bad and I blame myself for letting her in again. Should have learned the lesson from past experiences. Never ever seek for my mother's help or show vulnerability because:

- she NEEDS to help me
- her help is always conditional and makes her feel entitled
- well... .and then obligation and guilt

Up to now I have only read The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. The information is great and the tools as well. I am working on step number one: taking care of myself.

Thanks for suggesting the Survivors Guide. I don't know where I am on the list, I guess much on the “remembering” part of it and trying to skip to the “healing” right away.

I have a couple of questions.

1. Has anyone's relationship with their BPD mother gotten progressively worse during the years? In my case it started in early childhood with some mild criticism and affection withdrawal when I disappointed her.  By the age of 10 I had decided that the only thing that I wanted from my mother was to be let alone (I found a school assignment in which I was asked to describe one of my parents using an adjective: I had chosen “antagonist”). Things didn't escalate until my father left when I was in high school.
2. How do you deal with societal and family pressure?  The constant reminder that “she is mother, you should” and what ensues?

S.

[Fie]

Hello Sylvia  

Welcome ! I am sure using these boards will be of help to you.
My mother is also BPD. Using these boards has helped me tremendously understanding my own situation, and also feeling less lonely. There are a lot of kind and wise members on here, and there are a few who I am very grateful to.
To answer your questions, yes my own situation with my mum has gotten worse over the years. Not sure why, but I am guessing that she could not handle very well seeing that I became more and more independent (as children always do). Also, some time ago I think it became clear to her that I did not wish to participate in her drama anymore. We are pretty much NC now - unfortunately, but I must say it also comes with benefits.

Societal pressure is a tough one. Although for me I think it merely exists in my head. Being raised by a BPD makes you very susceptible to having FOG - I feel very guilty sometimes seeing so less of my family - especially towards my child. As for the people around me, or society more in general, I try to be very open about my FOO. My friends and even some coworkers know that my mum is BPD. It sometimes feels weird and vulnerable to be so open about it, but at this time it's my way of coping with everything : I am just so tired of keeping things a secret, that it's my only choice. The nice side effect is that people never ask me why I don't go visiting my family. They don't really seem to know what BPD exactly is, but apparently they do know it's severe enough to make you keep a distance from the BPD. Or maybe they are just nice people, who understand me, and who also respect my privacy and my decisions, that can also be a reason  :-)

The situation you are finding yourself in with your grandmother must feel exhausting to you. Is your grandma aware your mum is BPD ? Is she still mentally aware of everything that is happening ? (I am assuming here grandma is not BPD)

Do you feel it is entirely your responsibility to keep the panic attacks of your grandmother under control ? Has your grandma a history with depression / anxiety ?
Does your grandmother consider assisted living ?

Take care !