Living With My Choices

[thrownforaloop]

Hey all,

Every day I keep questioning the choice I made. I've now been across the country from my exstep-son for three months and I feel very guilty. I miss him every day tremendously.

Strictly sticking to facts, I acknowledge that I put a lot of thought into it before the move. I am certain that my exBPDw made it nearly impossible for me to maintain a relationship with her son. She would be unpredictable and be sure to give me as little say as possible... .using him as a tool to keep me under her thumb. She continued to give signs of showing that she wanted to push me out of his life.

But, was it as bad as I remembered? Have a made an irreparable mistake? Would things have evened out eventually and we worked out some semi-normal split custody?

Again, knowing her, I could never count on anything to be consistent or reliable. But regardless, my heart really hurts from missing him and thinking about how he feels about it all. He probably doesn't understand why I didn't love him enough to stay with him. He doesn't understand this mess... .all he knows is that his dad left him. And that must be an incredibly painful feeling for him. I feel like such a monster. I love him more than anyone in the world and it kills me that I left him.

I really don't know what to do... .Again, knowing her, she wanted me to be the bad guy. She knew that if she made it impossible for me to maintain a consistent relationship, eventually I'd move on and be the bad guy. She is always making herself the victim, after all. She doesn't care how it effects her son.

Am I making excuses for my bad decisions? Or is she really manufacturing a bad situation to get me away from her son without having to be the bad guy? I feel like I'm going crazy here. Everything is so foggy from all the stress and curve balls. I just don't know. All I know is every single option feels like a losing one.

[livednlearned]

Hi thrownforaloop,

I'm so sorry for the grief you're feeling. It is heartwrenching to see how BPD behaviors harm the kids they try to love.

He is your stepson? Wouldn't that make it hard for you to stay in his life in a legal way?

Even when it is a bio relationship, BPD sufferers often make it very challenging to maintain a parent-child relationship with the other parent. And by challenging, I mean the most difficult thing in the world

It's very likely that she engaged in parental alienation -- her son probably feels to her like an extension of herself, so in rejecting you, it becomes important for her son to reject you, too. She likely has poor boundaries (fragmented sense of self) and this makes it hard for her to see her son as a separate person, individuated from her.

[bravhart1]

Were you able to have any closure with him before you left? The ability to tell him it's his mom you are leaving and not him, that you would and will welcome any communication he is able to have without moms interference in the future and give him a number to reach you?