Hello I'm New Here and Need Advice or Just To Vent

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello I am new and just wanted to introduce myself. I am a male married to a wife with BPD.  I can see that nothing will ever change and I just need to vent.  I have known for a long time that it won't work and know divorce is coming but I have not left yet, the situation is very complicated.

Ok I am going to edit the post and post all of it that I was going to post the first time so that everyone has an idea of my dilema.  Here it is below.  I hope is isnt too long.
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My wife thinks she does everything for me and my son (from a previous relationship) but I am the one who really does most of it.  I myself have white knight syndrome by the looks of it.  I am usually taking care of other people and if this were another person I would be great at giving them advice, people usually come to me for advice or help with things but when it comes to myself I am not so great at taking care of myself first.

It has been over a week now since we have spoken unless necessary, but she has no problem speaking to me when she needs something such as help with job applications etc.  To go back to speaking terms again I would usually have to say sorry even when it isn't my fault, but just observing her, it's not as if she is doing it on purpose, she really can't help herself.  I at first thought she was spoilt rotten by her parents or something and always got her own way, but that is not it.  She really does think she is right.  Other things come with this, she is very sensitive to anything that I say to her, so I cannot say anything.  I am taling about things like did you see the door key or making suggestions about spending habits such as do you really want to spend $400 (my $400 by the way even though she works and I pay all the bills without any assistance from her) on Brazilian hair that you do not need.  At the same time this was going on the house had catostrophic damage from a storm and we're sweeping water outside everyday and I am paying bit by bit for the repairs yet she wants to splurge on hair.  The reason for the hair also was not because she needed it because she has long natural hair which everyone always compliments, it was because her friends told her to get it to go to a particular party (she denies that and will swear on the bible its not true and that its to protect the natural hair, but I heard them talking so I know).

I don't think she has physically cheated but I know she has those conversations, I saw one a long time ago, I think just weeks after we married a guy said I want to visit you there and sleep with you and she was like maybe and she was telling him she would visit him once we got her visa sorted out.  She told me she didnt mean it and that because of her culture she didnt tell him we were married because it was not done in her country and that she told him she worked for us and some long drawn out excuse. 

On top of that she has lied to me numerous times and I have no support really.  I remember the day my uncle died, I told her and then I got my son from school, during the drive I broke the news to him.  SO we went to pick her up from work and he was in the front crying so she sat in the back, she didnt ask him to move or anything.  So she didnt say a word the entire time home and I asked her whats wrong, well it boiled down to she though my son was being rude because he sat in the front, I explained why he was there and that he was crying, that made no difference.  The funeral was a week later and she didnt say a word to me or him during the whole week and not during the funeral, it was not until after the funeral when I spoke to her about what went on at length that she started speaking to us again.

This happens frequently, peace never lasts for more than a few days at a time before she stops talking or gets offended for some reason.  I feel like I am always walking on eggshells.

My son who has ADHD lived with me since he was a baby (his mom has issues as well).  Recently he stays with my mom because she always thinks he is being rude or she thinks I spend more time with him than her.  That couldnt be farther from the truth because the only time I spend with him is doing homework because of how she acted, so he was basically alone a lot.  If we are home I was always in the room with her and he would be by himself.  She rarely wants him in the room with us.  My son is an athlete and in a sports club but I do most of his training because of time issues and trying to get schoolwork done with his challenges, but I have not trained him in over a year now because of this.  My son is kind to her most times, but he is a kid and I will admit rude sometimes, she also knew of his ADHD before we married and painted an amazing picture of how she would help in the family structure.  That was not to be.  My son does lie and steal also, he has an impulse control disorder as well but that isnt the reason she doesnt want him around.

Most people think she is the sweetest person in the world and she is to them, she talks kindly and nice to the men and women she work with and her other friends but when it comes to me and my son that is rare.  She could have the saddest or angriest face in the world and as soon as she sees another friend she would start talking and light up like nothing is wrong.  She has the mind of a child.  When something happens or she does something she thinks if she says sorry that I will forget it instantly within one second, if i dont then I have a problem and she will shut down and stop speaking for days or weeks until I have to go and try and rectify it.   Lately I dont rectify it I just let it go because I am tired of it and tired of her not being able to understand simple concepts about how to treat me and my son.  She treats her son amazing, when she talks to him there is never a harsh word and she is so sweet, but never so with us.  Her son lives in her home country and she has not seen him for a while, that is never what I would have wanted or allowed to happen but then I did not even find out that she had a son until 1 year after we were married.  I never heard one word about him even though I asked do you have kids.

I started getting suspicious after a while and asked about him when I saw she spoke to a child by phone but she said it was her brothers child, but I knew and asked over and repeatedly, I could tell it was a lie.  I finally got her to admit the truth.  I didnt stay angry or upset about it not even one hour that night.  Me and my mom suggested she try and bring him here, but she always said she didnt want to (her brother and mom takes care of him).  But her brother is starting to say now think of your son because I want a family of my own one day so she did a full 180 and now says she wants to get him.  Who knows what she really wants though other times when we have disagreements she would say she wants to go hom and I need to get her ticker as soon as possible.  I grow weary of it all.

She does cook at times and iron she would ask if I want something to eat when she comes home at night but other than that we have no communication during the day, no messages or whatsapp and no other communication unless she needs help with something.

There is so much more and I have run on long enough but I just wanted to give a idea of my situation.  Have a great day to all who are reading.  I hope we can support one another.  I actually had this screen open a few days after I registered before I built up the courage to post this.

[TommyBahama]

Hello I am new and just wanted to introduce myself. I am a male married to a wife with BPD.  I can see that nothing will ever change and I just need to vent.  I have known for a long time that it won't work and know divorce is coming but I have not left yet, the situation is very complicated.

Ok I am going to edit the post and post all of it that I was going to post the first time so that everyone has an idea of my dilema.  Here it is below.  I hope is isnt too long.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife thinks she does everything for me and my son (from a previous relationship) but I am the one who really does most of it.  I myself have white knight syndrome by the looks of it.  I am usually taking care of other people and if this were another person I would be great at giving them advice, people usually come to me for advice or help with things but when it comes to myself I am not so great at taking care of myself first.

It has been over a week now since we have spoken unless necessary, but she has no problem speaking to me when she needs something such as help with job applications etc.  To go back to speaking terms again I would usually have to say sorry even when it isn't my fault, but just observing her, it's not as if she is doing it on purpose, she really can't help herself.  I at first thought she was spoilt rotten by her parents or something and always got her own way, but that is not it.  She really does think she is right.  Other things come with this, she is very sensitive to anything that I say to her, so I cannot say anything.  I am taling about things like did you see the door key or making suggestions about spending habits such as do you really want to spend $400 (my $400 by the way even though she works and I pay all the bills without any assistance from her) on Brazilian hair that you do not need.  At the same time this was going on the house had catostrophic damage from a storm and we're sweeping water outside everyday and I am paying bit by bit for the repairs yet she wants to splurge on hair.  The reason for the hair also was not because she needed it because she has long natural hair which everyone always compliments, it was because her friends told her to get it to go to a particular party (she denies that and will swear on the bible its not true and that its to protect the natural hair, but I heard them talking so I know).

I don't think she has physically cheated but I know she has those conversations, I saw one a long time ago, I think just weeks after we married a guy said I want to visit you there and sleep with you and she was like maybe and she was telling him she would visit him once we got her visa sorted out.  She told me she didnt mean it and that because of her culture she didnt tell him we were married because it was not done in her country and that she told him she worked for us and some long drawn out excuse. 

On top of that she has lied to me numerous times and I have no support really.  I remember the day my uncle died, I told her and then I got my son from school, during the drive I broke the news to him.  SO we went to pick her up from work and he was in the front crying so she sat in the back, she didnt ask him to move or anything.  So she didnt say a word the entire time home and I asked her whats wrong, well it boiled down to she though my son was being rude because he sat in the front, I explained why he was there and that he was crying, that made no difference.  The funeral was a week later and she didnt say a word to me or him during the whole week and not during the funeral, it was not until after the funeral when I spoke to her about what went on at length that she started speaking to us again.

This happens frequently, peace never lasts for more than a few days at a time before she stops talking or gets offended for some reason.  I feel like I am always walking on eggshells.

My son who has ADHD lived with me since he was a baby (his mom has issues as well).  Recently he stays with my mom because she always thinks he is being rude or she thinks I spend more time with him than her.  That couldnt be farther from the truth because the only time I spend with him is doing homework because of how she acted, so he was basically alone a lot.  If we are home I was always in the room with her and he would be by himself.  She rarely wants him in the room with us.  My son is an athlete and in a sports club but I do most of his training because of time issues and trying to get schoolwork done with his challenges, but I have not trained him in over a year now because of this.  My son is kind to her most times, but he is a kid and I will admit rude sometimes, she also knew of his ADHD before we married and painted an amazing picture of how she would help in the family structure.  That was not to be.  My son does lie and steal also, he has an impulse control disorder as well but that isnt the reason she doesnt want him around.

Most people think she is the sweetest person in the world and she is to them, she talks kindly and nice to the men and women she work with and her other friends but when it comes to me and my son that is rare.  She could have the saddest or angriest face in the world and as soon as she sees another friend she would start talking and light up like nothing is wrong.  She has the mind of a child.  When something happens or she does something she thinks if she says sorry that I will forget it instantly within one second, if i dont then I have a problem and she will shut down and stop speaking for days or weeks until I have to go and try and rectify it.   Lately I dont rectify it I just let it go because I am tired of it and tired of her not being able to understand simple concepts about how to treat me and my son.  She treats her son amazing, when she talks to him there is never a harsh word and she is so sweet, but never so with us.  Her son lives in her home country and she has not seen him for a while, that is never what I would have wanted or allowed to happen but then I did not even find out that she had a son until 1 year after we were married.  I never heard one word about him even though I asked do you have kids.

I started getting suspicious after a while and asked about him when I saw she spoke to a child by phone but she said it was her brothers child, but I knew and asked over and repeatedly, I could tell it was a lie.  I finally got her to admit the truth.  I didnt stay angry or upset about it not even one hour that night.  Me and my mom suggested she try and bring him here, but she always said she didnt want to (her brother and mom takes care of him).  But her brother is starting to say now think of your son because I want a family of my own one day so she did a full 180 and now says she wants to get him.  Who knows what she really wants though other times when we have disagreements she would say she wants to go hom and I need to get her ticker as soon as possible.  I grow weary of it all.

She does cook at times and iron she would ask if I want something to eat when she comes home at night but other than that we have no communication during the day, no messages or whatsapp and no other communication unless she needs help with something.

There is so much more and I have run on long enough but I just wanted to give a idea of my situation.  Have a great day to all who are reading.  I hope we can support one another.  I actually had this screen open a few days after I registered before I built up the courage to post this.

[heartandwhole]

Hi TommyBahama,



I'm sorry to hear that things have gotten more difficult for you recently. That is so hard. I can really understand your weariness with the situation—I'm sure I'd feel exactly the same in your shoes.

I'm glad you decided to post, because the members here have been in similar situations and really understand what you are going through. We also have lots of tools and resources to make things better. There is hope, even though I know it doesn't feel like it right now. 

How long have you been married, TommyBahama? You say it's been over a week since you've just been communicating strictly about necessities—does that happen regularly, or is there something different about this time?

Keep writing, it helps to tell your story. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[TommyBahama]

Thanks for the encouragement heartandwhole.  I have been reading some of the posts and they sound so familiar.  The only difference is that she is not physically abusive or violent.  I have been married for 2 years.  I have seen her like this before we married, but I did not know it was nearly this bad and I did not know a lot of the things she was hiding like her child.  I actually suggested we both go to counselling before we married but she refused.

The not communicating happens frequently and there is nothing different this time except that I am not playing along and eventually giving up and talking to her.  She really does think I am the one hurting her and that I am the one not communicating when it is her.  After this is over she will probably say something like I spoke to you and you did not speak and I would say when and she would probably say something like I asked you to help me with the job application or I asked you if you ate one night or something like that.

Trying to reason with her and get her what she is doing to understand is like reasoning with a very small child and trying to get them to understand.  She has said sorry once or twice before after I went in depth to explain things and did so like I was breaking it down for a child.  But her apology for anything always comes with me having to apologize also afterwards (even if I didn't do anything).  One time when I was explaining things to her she admitted to getting offended super quickly and said she doesn't know why she gets hurt so fast, but that was the only time.  Thanks again this site it a blessing.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Tommybahama,

Just wanted to echo heartandwhole in welcoming you to the family.   You're going through a lot and I'm so sorry, but I'm glad you built up the courage to post. Everyone here understands the pain of it all.  I can imagine your surprise finding out she has a little one and your response to it was heart warming. Did she ever give a reason why she didn't tell you about him?

[TommyBahama]

Thanks Larmoyant, although I have gotten used to this because there's rarely a time where more than a few days goes by without incident, it's still hard.  If it goes for a week or longer thats rare and I would have to be "on my best behavior" and try not to talk too much or say anything that could even be remotely seen as an offence.  I usually have to ask on many days if something is wrong because I would not know if she is just silent at that point or if it's because something I have said or done that was taken as offensive.

She never gave a reason for not telling me about her son that I can remember other than afterwards when she said she didn't want me to hate her for keeping it a secret.  She said her family encouraged her to tell me the truth but she never did until I found out on my own.  He sounds like a good kid but she rarely will discuss anything that is going on with him or give any other information other than her family said hello etc.  Once she said he wouldn't do his homework and her brother said it was frustrating him and I asked to speak to him and encouraged him to do his homework but that was it, she usually calls and doesn't say when she is calling and she doesn't ask if I want to speak to them on most occasions.  They speak a different language so I cannot speak to them without her translating.

[heartandwhole]

Trying to reason with her and get her what she is doing to understand is like reasoning with a very small child and trying to get them to understand.  She has said sorry once or twice before after I went in depth to explain things and did so like I was breaking it down for a child.  But her apology for anything always comes with me having to apologize also afterwards (even if I didn't do anything).

I can definitely relate to this. It's difficult and can be very frustrating after a while. Understanding that BPD is a disorder affecting emotional regulation can help, but it doesn't take away the effort and patience needed to get through (sometimes) a "simple" conversation.

This stuff is stressful, but the good news is that you are not alone, and things can get better for you, no matter what you ultimately decide to do. Have you had a look at the "Choosing A Path" links at the top right sidebar? -------------->
You will find tons of information there, and really helpful tools. I'm thinking especially of communication skills that can help keep conflict down while you reflect on the best path forward for you.

heartandwhole

[canyoncrest]

TommyBahama, I'm sorry that you are going through a lot. I have a BPD husband, and whar you've been through is very similar to my experiences with my husband. My husband thinks he does so much for me and sacrifices his entire life for me. When he gets upset (for extremely minor thing that hardly anyone gets upset), "my sacrifice," "my extremely difficukt  life because of you" and "my life is a victim of your life" take the main part of his story. I often become the worst person in the world. I have so many other stories that might be similar to your experiences. It is hard, but  I hope you and your wife work this out.

[TommyBahama]

Thank you heartandwhole I had not read through choosing  a path but I am going through it now.  I really do need to keep conflict down.  She has started talking again and has the flu now so I have to take care of her, so she's being much more talkative the past two days.  canyoncrest the more I read the posts here, the more they sound similar to what I go through.  I cannot tell you the amount of times I have heard "this is the most difficult time of my I am spending and I am doing it all for you" or "my friends treat me much better than you and I don't talk to  them the way I talk to you because they don't act like you".   I hear these comments whenever she has an episode despite her being in a much better position than she was in before we got together.

Sometimes I wonder how the beast could be living in the same body with the angel.  I worry what will happen to her if/when I go though.  I am concerned about me and my son's future and happiness, but I don't want anything bad to happen to her also.  

[FiveForFighting]

TB,
Welcome to the fam. I completely understand what you're going through. I also have a BPDwife and we've been together for 20 yrs. I know how you feel and what you're dealing with. I've been lurking on this site for some time but recently began posting and sharing. There is so much helpful information and helpful, kind, people here to give insight and sometimes hard to hear truth. Welcome and know things do get better. It will be ok.

My wife thinks she does everything for me and my son (from a previous relationship) but I am the one who really does most of it.  I myself have white knight syndrome by the looks of it.  I am usually taking care of other people and if this were another person I would be great at giving them advice, people usually come to me for advice or help with things but when it comes to myself I am not so great at taking care of myself first.

I have the same disposition; rescuer. Always putting yourself on the back burner, no matter the cost. Ive done this my entire life but have began attempting to change that. I can accomplish that outside of my home and I am a completely confident, self assured person away from home but that changes when I get home.

  My son is an athlete and in a sports club but I do most of his training because of time issues and trying to get schoolwork done with his challenges, but I have not trained him in over a year now because of this.

I have two kids that play club soccer and travel. I am coaching my sons club team. To begin years ago was  my wifes idea but I have to hear every weekend about how much time I spend away from home because those "Stupid soccer games". She knows how much involvement there is but will take any chance she can to punish me for it. Its like that for anything that I would like to do or be involved with.

  Most people think she is the sweetest person in the world and she is to them, she talks kindly and nice to the men and women she work with and her other friends but when it comes to me and my son that is rare.  She could have the saddest or angriest face in the world and as soon as she sees another friend she would start talking and light up like nothing is wrong.

I have seen this element occur so many times. I understand how confusing that can be and how concerning and how hurtful that those outside your home seem to receive acceptance and love but you don't. My wife can be so rude and short and curt those closest to her yet so kind to a complete stranger.

Hang in there and fight the good fight. Darkness makes way for Light.

FFF

[TommyBahama]

Thanks for all the support.  It is comforting to speak to others who have gone through what I am and get input and kind words.  FFF at times work is usually my only escape where I can have peace so she hasn't started complaining about work too much yet.  I know she would if there were not so many other things to complain about though.  She is usually at work at the same time I am so she hasn't mentioned work in ages.

My work isn't important to her though I go to work about an hour and a fifteen minutes late every day so that I can accommodate taking her to work since she starts an hour later than me.  We have discussed it man times about my lateness and she has said she can go to work earlier and wait, then the other day when it came up again she said she did not know that I was going to work late every day, she thought this was my regular time.  I always make sure she takes her lunch also since I go late I can't always take lunch for her and depending on the location she is working there may not be food close.  Knowing this and that I don't have a lunch hour she would sometimes (when she is in BPD mode) not eat and not take lunch (even though I already packed it), she will say I dont want it (because she is not speaking to me or whatever the reason) then at lunch time she will call me and ask me if I can get her some food and bring it to her work.

The stories here are so similar to mine, I never even heard about BPD until I was watching an action movie last year ("The Man From U.N.C.L.E.", but the character portrayal of it was nothing like how BPD really is.  Since then I know what it is my wife has and we also have a coworker that I am convinced had BPD, but in the coworker's case she gets violent and has been in several fights at work.  Thanks again and I hope things get better for you also, it is not easy, especially when kids are involved and you feel like you have to do it all.  You are very strong to do all that you do.  It encourages me.