Need some strategy advice

[lookingforanswer]

I need some advice here. My uBPDh has been away for 3 days. Never asked to talk to the kids and never asked any questions about the kids. Also never tried to contact them on their cell phones. I am horrified at this and want to address his behaviour. I guess from reading these posts that I am not supposed to make him feel guilty, but really he SHOULD feel guilty. How do I bring this up in a constructive way that will hopefully turn on some lightbulbs in his head and pave the way for change?

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[bobcat2014]

Don't poke the bear.

You cannot make him feel anything, let alone guilty outside of manipulating the situation. If you did make him feel guilty, then his interest wouldn't be sincere, but done for other reasons.

Remember you are dealing with an adult child that is selfish and the center of his own little universe. Expect nothing less and you can avoid future disappointment with situations like this one.

[isilme]

Here's another thought - how do you know he does NOT already feel guilty?

BPD H has a lot of things he feels guilty about, and so never does, making him feel more guilty, and the cycle feeds itself.  Just because a person does not do what YOU':) do in that case does not mean they have not thought about it, or feel bad about it.  BPD just gives people different motivations and reactions for what they do.

H gets himself stuck in this weird inertia-rut, where his guilt at not calling his family prevents him from calling his family, feeding into his guilt all over.  So, just because your H did not call the kids, does not mean he never thought of them, never wanted to - you can't read his mind. 

And trying to make him feel guilty is IMO not a healthy thing in itself - that's almost just repeating a bad part of the cycles that set up this dynamic to begin  with .  Look up how hard it is for childhood survivors of BPD to get away from guilt-based actions/inaction, FOG, etc.  Encouraging guilt as a means for motivation is not the best strategy, as I can see it. 

BPD is a lot of shame avoidance.  Half the rage and anger seems to come from trying so hard to shift blame off of them, to show the world they aren't the ones causing the trouble, and another half come from internally not always believing the blameshifting they try so hard to do.  Adding to an already high amount of internal, unadmitted guilt, is not going to help.  Instead, allowing that mistakes happen, that being embarrassed or unable to do something that to us seems simple, CAN help.  I tell H it's okay if he can't call his parents, but he might feel better if he does.  I tell him I know talking to them can depress him, but he's upset anyway about NOT calling, so once in a while it would be good to just do it.

In your case, instead of trying to make your H feel guilty, just be honest - "Hey, the kids missed you.  It might be good next time to talk to them while you're away.  How's that sound?"

Yes, there is a high amount of self-involvement for pwBPD, but a lot of the self-involvement is internally justifying doing and not doing things I think on some level many know they should.  You can't expect the level of emotional engagement from a person with an emotional disorder that you would from a person with healthier reactions.  Guilting them will only intensify the negative, and not help.

[waverider]

Avoidance is a coping response to distress intolerance. He could either be overly stressing and be either consciously or subconsciously avoiding it, almost a feeling similar to stage fright.

[Mecaco]

my 2 cents ... . 

     Guilt generated internally will cause a person to operate in a healthy manner.

     Guilt generated externally in a same ridden person will cause more shame. 

     More shame will cause more avoidant / attacking behavior (depending on the individual).

     The goal should be to reduce shame... .

[lookingforanswer]

Thanks so much for the info. I guess I wasn't going to make him feel guilty because I know that never works, but I am just baffled as to why he doesn't have that emotion or really any other emotions for his kids, never mind me.

In regards to being honest, I would not be able to say the kids missed him because it is so peaceful around here without him. He is just self fulfilling by not connecting with the kids and then saying that he doesn't feel connected. And around we go... .

I don't know what to say to raise awareness without causing a blowout. I know you say don't poke the bear, but really, are we asking too little of our partners? I heard someone say that we teach people how to treat us. And what am I teaching him if I don't address it? That it's ok to pretend that he doesn't have a family?

And, no I know this is not his guilt face. Guilty looks like scared and avoidant. Instead I have seen dozens of pictures of his business trip on social media and a lecture in detail of every meal that he has eaten, every meeting he has attended and everything in his hotel room. He has also been humblebragging to all of his friends about his business trip. I feel like screaming "who the hell cares?" But I don't. So, no I don't think it's guilt.

This is a crazy world we are all living. If I had only known... .

[Artemis_bpd]

Guilt is the last thing you'll want from a pwBPD. Because they will turn the tables, blame it all on you for making them feel guilty and prolong the agony. Yes it is called crazy making. I have given up all normal expectations and normal reactions from my uBPDp. Emotionally speaking, they believe whatever their distorted thoughts tell them, it's like they have voices in their head, and then act on these crazy thoughts. Just let him be, nothing you can do on your side will get a sane response, especially when they are in an emotional storm.