Am I jerk, Part Two

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Am I jerk if I stay in some type of relationship with my dBPDh and put my family and friends through the ups and downs (or annual marital separation) of that?

Right now, we are separated for two weeks (six weeks since the miscarriage.)  While I am still not sure I am willing/healthily able to do all the learning, all the communication and behavior tightrope walking, I feel less and less like that makes me a jerk (or weak or failure.)   

So if I do stay in some kind of relationship with dBPDh, it would mean that there will inevitable be more times where there is pain, disappointment, and emotional
And I need to have a diverse body of relationships that I can rely on for support and perspective if I do

But is that ultimately a selfish move? Is it fair to ask of them to give that support? Will I be able to maintain being mutual with them and being there when they need me or will it be more and more lopsided?

[Foolishwizdom]

Am I jerk if I stay in some type of relationship with my dBPDh and put my family and friends through the ups and downs (or annual marital separation) of that?

Right now, we are separated for two weeks (six weeks since the miscarriage.)  While I am still not sure I am willing/healthily able to do all the learning, all the communication and behavior tightrope walking, I feel less and less like that makes me a jerk (or weak or failure.)   

So if I do stay in some kind of relationship with dBPDh, it would mean that there will inevitable be more times where there is pain, disappointment, and emotional
And I need to have a diverse body of relationships that I can rely on for support and perspective if I do

But is that ultimately a selfish move? Is it fair to ask of them to give that support? Will I be able to maintain being mutual with them and being there when they need me or will it be more and more lopsided?

[sad but wiser]

Wow!  Good question! 
  There can be only one in a BPD relationship, and it isn't you and it isn't your family.  Unless you enjoy the attention that comes from being the victim, bringing your troubles to them when you know he will never be normal isn't something you want.
Also, have you been able to be there for them so far?  If not, don't expect that to change.
  I am so sorry for your loss.  Miscarriage is tragic, even if your life circumstances are chaotic.

[Foolishwizdom]

Unless you enjoy the attention that comes from being the victim, bringing your troubles to them when you know he will never be normal isn't something you want.

I have been doing a good bit of wondering and work on motivations on my own and with my T lately.  I don't think I enjoy being the victim.  I do think I seek validation because I am recognizing that I grew up in a FOO where I did not get that very often and I learned to fight for it or feel like a burden, like 'too much.'  So if in sharing, I start to sense that someone sees me as victim or weak, I shift to what my decisions, options, needs are to go forward.

If validated/empowered/supported, I use my agency to make changes.  Seeking validation/empathy (perhaps too much or in not the most appropriate places) is different than identifying as a victim right?

I do think the recovering perfectionist in me will sometimes avoid admitting areas where I am responsible for the situation or struggles with leaving a situation because it would feel like failure, weakness, or not being good enough. Having safe space to talk that out is important but I don't think I do that for attention but because I tend to second-guess myself or ruminate if I don't bounce it off someone else.

[sad but wiser]

Dear Foolishwizdom,
   This sounds like you are pretty self-aware.  I think a good therapist or counselor could be a great idea.  This person is not personally involved, has experience with dysfunction and can be that sounding board for you.
   As to the other question, a strong victim is called a martyr.  This is the person who keeps going back into a bad situation "because he needs me" and will say, "I can handle it."   This person feels strong only because he or she has dumped his or her angst on someone else.  Ouch. (Got that t-shirt too.)
  And if you weren't allowed to be heard and set boundaries growing up, you run the risk of your relationships being extensions of that struggle.  I hardly knew what a healthy, adult relationship should look like.  So I keep learning.  This is not to say don't share yourself with your family.  There should be a healthy balance.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey foolishwizdom, It strikes me as odd that you would look to a pwBPD for empathy, validation and support, because that was not a part of the BPD experience for me.  If anything, my BPDxW was unkind, unsympathetic, unsupportive and ultimately invalidating.  I wonder whether maybe you are barking up the wrong tree?  I suspect you could easily find more validation and support elsewhere.

LuckyJim