verbal abuse in front of children

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Thanks to those who replied to my previous post.

The verbally abusive behaviour of my BP wife has gotten much worse in the last few days and I am very worried by the fact that she now systematically involves the children in it. I need ideas/pointers for ways in which I could make this behaviour less damaging, diminish in intensity or stop.

I’ll spare you the details. Here are the basic features of her behaviour, which characterizes almost each of our interactions:
1- In presence of the children, she starts yelling blame at me for something trivial I have done/said, or not done, or for my sheer presence, while exposing a very distorted perspective. If I attempt to rectify what she says, she will only yell louder so there is no way for me to be heard without causing an escalation. After a moment, she will then engage the children by saying “have a look at the children, see how bad they feel and how miserable they are, and all this because of you and of…(so and so)… that you are doing”.
2- More or less treat me like an incompetent slave who is supposed to do pretty much everything around the house (clean up the house, prepare meals, clean up the kitchen, wash the clothes, do the grocery shopping, and what have you) while she is just sitting there and ordering me around. And, of course, I always get it wrong. Any protest from me is met with the type of behaviour I described above.

The only solutions I have found so far are to just shut my mouth and “take it” or withdraw in another room and hope she doesn’t chase me around. While both “responses” work more or less, I find neither to be acceptable or sustainable.

I would be very grateful for suggestions as to how I might be able to deal with this while protecting the children.

[GregR]

Thanks to those who replied to my previous post.

The verbally abusive behaviour of my BP wife has gotten much worse in the last few days and I am very worried by the fact that she now systematically involves the children in it. I need ideas/pointers for ways in which I could make this behaviour less damaging, diminish in intensity or stop.

I’ll spare you the details. Here are the basic features of her behaviour, which characterizes almost each of our interactions:
1- In presence of the children, she starts yelling blame at me for something trivial I have done/said, or not done, or for my sheer presence, while exposing a very distorted perspective. If I attempt to rectify what she says, she will only yell louder so there is no way for me to be heard without causing an escalation. After a moment, she will then engage the children by saying “have a look at the children, see how bad they feel and how miserable they are, and all this because of you and of…(so and so)… that you are doing”.
2- More or less treat me like an incompetent slave who is supposed to do pretty much everything around the house (clean up the house, prepare meals, clean up the kitchen, wash the clothes, do the grocery shopping, and what have you) while she is just sitting there and ordering me around. And, of course, I always get it wrong. Any protest from me is met with the type of behaviour I described above.

The only solutions I have found so far are to just shut my mouth and “take it” or withdraw in another room and hope she doesn’t chase me around. While both “responses” work more or less, I find neither to be acceptable or sustainable.

I would be very grateful for suggestions as to how I might be able to deal with this while protecting the children.

[takingandsending]

GregR,

I am sorry for the abusive behavior that you are experiencing. And it is so much more difficult to know how to respond when young children are involved. You definitely should not just "take it" as it's not good for you or your children. How old are your children and how do they respond to being thrust into the conflict?

As you seem to already know, trying to refute wife's statements or defend yourself leads to escalation. Don't do it. Please read lessons on JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) - it is a natural reaction to a pwBPD, but it only makes things worse. You may also want to take a look on validation and boundaries. Often, the best we can do when our partners are seeking conflict is to validate their upset and enforce are boundaries. In that way, you are not the punching bag for your wife, you are attending your own emotional needs, and you allow time and space for the conflict to defuse.

So much of what a pwBPD does is to create conflict and crisis when it does not actually exist. Reacting to that leads to suffering for everyone. I find for my S5 and S11 that when I maintain my boundaries with STBxBPDw, I am better able to soothe and emotion coach them through their experience. When I JADE, I get too upset to be there for them. And don't feel afraid to take your children with you if your wife is escalating and insisting on pulling them into the conflict (like asking their opinion or confirmation on what she is feeling).

If you read those lessons or have already read them and have questions, please reach out to refine what you are doing. There are a lot of really good folks with experience in going through exactly what you are experiencing. And hang in there. You can be there for yourself and your children. 

[takingandsending]

Hi GregR.

I read your initial post, so I see you have two sons. And it sounds like your wife is painting you black in front of them and has threatened you with the police (DV). And you further stated that you have been more focused on taking care of yourself recently. 

So, the change from summer to now: one thing many of us have experienced is that ANY changes in routine or structure are causes for distress for the pwBPD in our lives. So, the change from summer to school and the added expectations of possibly delivering/picking up kids from school, extra-curricular activities and so forth may be elevating the stress level of your wife.

You may never know the cause, but her outlet is you, which you have to stop. When you ask her to speak respectfully or not to hurt you or say hurtful things to you, it is, believe it or not, an invalidating statement for her. This is the crazy making of living with BPD. She is feeling hurt, so how could she be the one hurting you? That's how she will see it. So then, when you justify or defend or argue, it's off to the races because you are now denying her hurt.

The only way out of this is by refusing to play the game because there are no winners. And some ways of refusing are better than others. Validating her upset ... ."Gosh, I see that you are upset, and if I felt you were ignoring my requests, I would be upset at you, too." Then, boundary or your truth ... ."But this conversation is now upsetting me. I want to hear what you have to say, but I can't do that when I am upset. I am going to leave for 25 minutes. I will be back. We can talk then." And enforce ... .leave for 25 minutes of self soothing. And do come back when you state you will, so that you don't trigger the fear of abandonment that is often a source of so much of the anxiety running pwBPD's lives. If it escalates again, you repeat the process. Done enough, this process does lead to reduction of conflict and drama in the house, which is actually good for everyone. And, if she insists on putting your sons in the middle, take them with you when you leave. "I am going to go for a walk/drive with the boys. We will be back in an hour and can talk more then."

It sounds like you have been doing some of this for your self. And, it sounds like you are emotion coaching your sons to let them know it is okay for them to have feelings of sadness, anger and so forth.   That is exactly what they need from the nonBPD in their life ... .really important.

I hope this helps. Hang in there. And keep working on yourself. The saying on these boards is that you have to put your own oxygen mask on first before you can help anyone else. So, keep doing small things each day for your own health. I am so sorry that you are in this difficult position. It is truly painful. But you are stepping out of the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt); keep your head up because that takes courage and a lot of self honesty. My prayers are with you and your family.