Estrangement from adult daughter

[ChinaCat]

I'm not positive of her diagnosis, but it seems likely. Also maybe NPD and/or bipolar. She was a delightful child, until the day her first period started, when she told me she hated me and was going to kill me. Adolescence was hell. Later, she told me the reason she hated me so much was because she needed me so much. When she was in her 20s and 30s we were best friends and talked for hours, except for the times she went off on me for no apparent reason and wouldn't speak to me for extended periods. When she was 42, my mother (with whom she was very close -- also an NPD) died and everything blew up. That was 13 years ago. We have been estranged for 13 years and my heart is beyond broken. It's like she broke. Suddenly, she accused me of sleeping with her husband (whom she hated) and of leaving her alone while I went on vacations (NEVER happened --- her grandparents would fly just her to spend a few weeks with them. I never left her alone.) I ruined all her Easters by making her wait until 8a.m. when we were up instead of tearing into things on her own and by getting her a toy bunny instead of a real one when we were homeless for a brief period. I could go on and on, but I'll spare you. When I tried to visit her after all the accusations, she would chase me out of the house screaming that she was going to get a restraining order out on me. She didn't tell me when my grandson almost died. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong or what I had done other than those things I've mentioned that don't make any sense. Her birthday was last week and I sent her a birthday card for the first time in years. I also PMed her younger adult son who lives with her to ask him if he knew he was about to become an uncle. I didn't know they shared a page because she never posts anything and her name is not on the site. I was viciously attacked and asked if I was "... .trying to ruin her birthday." It seems since she hates her older son's girlfriend, she hasn't seen or heard from him in over a year. (BTW, she also hates her former best friend. And her father, of course, who deserves it.) That did it for me. Rejecting me is one thing. Rejecting her son and her soon to be granddaughter is quite another and I am through. Suddenly it feels like MY daughter died in 2004 and a demon took her place. Except I'm not really through or I wouldn't be writing this, but there has been a substantial change in my feelings. At the end, I just want to know why. Why did why did she reject me? And why does she hate everyone? What do you think? Does that sound like BPD? BTW, a few years before all this came down, she sent me a Mother's Day card on Halloween and siad "Everyday is Mother's Day with a mommie like you."

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[drained1996]

Hi ChinaCat,



So sorry to hear about your circumstances, it's a familiar story here as  you will see.  You've found the right place for knowledge, understanding, and sharing.  Many here either have or are walking the path you find yourself on now.  Dealing with a loved one with BPD... .or even just traits of... .can be mentally, emotionally and physically draining.  One thing many of us have learned is that we cannot change them, but we can change how we react to and communicate with them.  And sometimes... .for self protection we must have boundaries, which unfortunately may be in the form of no contact.  We cannot diagnose your daughter as we are not professionals.  The diagnosis itself is really not that important all the time.  Just understanding that some traits of the illness exist... .means that they are there to be dealt with.  Here is a link that may help answer a few questions for you:  https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-child
Feel free to post anything, questions, feelings, thoughts or otherwise.  We are here.   

[ChinaCat]

Thank you for your response and your welcome. I feel lighter already, just having found this space. And to know that the silent treatment is one of their "weapons" is so helpful. I don't have to drive myself crazy saying "Why won't she tell me what's wrong." But I do wish I had a magic wand!

[drained1996]

Ahh... .we all wish we had a magic wand... .wouldn't that just make the world perfect?

One thing we do have is some tools and lessons you will note to the right of the page.  If you begin to communicate, you will find these to be very good guides in navigating some pitfalls that may present themselves. 

No matter where you are in your journey... .you have found a place where we understand.  Sometimes life sucks and isn't fair... .we've all had more than our fair dose of that for sure!... .