Everything has to be difficult. Xw will never change

[bus boy]

Xw will never get it, never change. This Is 10's access weekend, today at 11:15 he told me his mothers work is having a swimming Xmas party at 12:00 noon. Poor little fella was so reluctant to ask Bc I had to make a hard stand on cutting access short bc Xw is always pushing to cut back time or making plans on my access and telling s10. The court order could not be any more clear " no parent shall make plans or tell s10 if any events happening on the other parents access" we must contact each other as adults. Xw clearly told s10 of the Xmas party. If s10 and I don't have plans I don't mind a few hr off my access for an event like a Xmas party for kids. Xw went so far to the extreme one way and I had to draw the line now s10 is reluctant to ask to go to events on my access time. Xw could of text me on Friday and I would of had s10 at the pool on time. I am trying so hard to make this work with the least impact on s10 but Xw is so stubbornly difficult. It should not be s10 asking, it should be between us to make this work. Xw dumps it on s10's lap. I've had to say no in the past bc we had plans. I am working on establishing a trusting r/s with s10 so he feels comfortable coming to me, talking to me. Today he was so reluctant to talk to me.

[david]

Maybe you can send an email to ex explaining what you will do each time she disregards the court order. If you disregard the order and get S10 involved I will stick to the order and say no. If you email me before talking to S10 I will consider adjustments to the schedule. By setting the boundary you are putting it on ex.
You can explain to S10 that you need to follow the order because judges don't like when someone does not follow the order. I did something similar to our two boys when they were younger. I explained that I was following the order so mom and/or me would not get in trouble with the judge. That made sense to them.
Since you believe, as I do about my ex, that she will never change then you need to find ways to work through/around/etc to find solutions. I don't always succeed but I have gotten better at it. My ex follows the same paths (there are only about three main ones) and once I learned to anticipate which one I was better able to find solutions for our boys.
My ex left in 2007 and it took me til around 2010 or 2011 before I got good at figuring out how to anticipate what she was going to do and have a solution that worked for the boys and me. 

[bus boy]

Hi David, maybe someday I will figure her path. On Friday I text xw to send s10's elf on the shelf, she called me and it was an adult conversation,  she was nice but I know to never trust her when she is nice. She had several manuplating lies/ reasons not to pack elf on the shelf, I just agreed and hung up, confused at her niceness. Than comes Sunday and the Xmas party, xw dropped that on s10, very unadult. Xw could of told me Friday,  than today I get a text, she is looking for September's support payment, I told her in September I left her payment at her lawyers office, she said she didn't get it, I call the bank, give them the serial number off of my carbon copy from the money order in left at her lawyers office and she cashed it in September.  I have absolutely no idea what so ever what is going on in her head. That's twice she text me looking for September payment. When I dropped it at her lawyers office I text her to let her know and she replied with an ignorant remark. Last year she wouldn't even pick up the cheques I left for her. Xw said she new nothing about them and her L said she refused to pick them up. It's never ending drama.

[david]

Yes, when my ex starts being nice I know something is up. Usually, within a few days I find out why. Also, when my ex sends me a nasty email I know something is bothering her. I think she is simply venting where she feels safe to vent. I don't respond to those emails. Again, I usually find out what was bothering her within a week. We have 50/50 custody so the boys pretty much tell me what is going on at their moms'. I just listen and don't say much when they do.
If you are certain you payed Sept then that is all I would say. Example: I sent the check to your atty around xyz date. Short and to the point. Whatever she does after that is on her. She can contact her atty to find out what happened. That is on her.
 
I learned early on from this site that "negative engagement is still engagement." In order to minimize negative engagement you have to detach from it and don't get sucked in by going back and forth. When you first start there will be more drama/chaos/etc until she learns a new method of coping. That is an extinction burst. Over time the extinction burst get less and less. I still get some but I don't react or respond anymore. It took my ex months, maybe even a year, before she changed her behavior. I figured I had been doing what she expected for years and it took her some time to adjust.

I focus on what I believe is best for our boys. I no longer explain myself to her. At most I will say something like I am doing what I think is best for S18 or S13. I will then get a response that makes no sense and is all over the place. I do not reply and simply let it go. If she sends another email asking for more I usually reply with the exact same message as before. Explaining myself means more engagement. I don't play that game anymore because it always winds up biting me in the a**.

[bus boy]

Great advice David. I rarely engage anymore, no more explanations. The bank confirmed xw cashed the money order. Her engaging me is getting less and less, she has a bf for that.