Well hello. Here's my introduction...

[Sadgirl92]

Just got my iPad thrown towards me and broke a piece of the wall by my 23 year old not yet diagnosed daughter. She blames me for her modeling pics looking "ugly" because I didn't support her, prepare her or was not there for her before her shoot. Btw the pics were stunning! Soo... .?

Just one of the many episodes of her moments.

I can't take this anymore. I am becoming more and more resentful and just WANT HER TO GET AWAY FROM ME. Which makes it worse. I know.

What an intro huh? Any words of advice or encouragement is welcomed.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[oshinko maki]

I've had small appliances and things thrown at me, too. It is scary but also sometimes reminds me that my BPD wife, when throwing something, has fallen into the mindset of a 2-year-old having a tantrum (although my child never did throw anything in a tantrum... .) Your instincts to get away seem right to me though. I would always leave the house quickly after something is thrown at me. It's been about 4 years though since it has happened to me.
Others here will be able to give much more helpful advice.
Welcome to the group. I just joined very recently myself. Happy to find the group, but shocked and saddened that there are so many other people who have suffered and continue to suffer due to a relationship with a person with BPD. As least you have helpful people here, and some who truly seem expert on how to handle dealing with people with BPD.

[Sadgirl92]

She just punched me in the face three times! What am I supposed to do? She won't go to the doctor? I'm at my wits end I can't take it

[Sadgirl92]

I was a good mom. I still am! I'm a laid back person but her dad is a narcissist. I was good to her he wasn't there but I made up for it with my love and support. She acts like she was raised in a bad home. What the heck? She watched Barney and was a chess player? I'm sorry. I'm clearly breaking down.
I want to call the police but I will regret it later.

[oshinko maki]

I want to call the police but I will regret it later.

I would leave whenever attacked, as soon as I could get out the door. Although you mentioned that you would regret calling the police, you at the same time probably do not want to enable her to continue being violent; so maybe you can let her know that you cannot let her be that way, no matter what, if she wants to continue living with you.
It seems like your situation is more risky if you do not give some tough love like the no-violence boundary setting.
Hopefully others will give more or better advice.
I can imagine the pain you must feel because of this and not wanting your daughter to be or turn into a physical abuser. I wish she could see that you are on her side.
For now though, I would leave whenever she gets to a potentially violent state. I used to leave for a couple hours each time (to physically protect myself and my son), and I know that it is a real inconvenience to have to run like that. But you have to prioritize your safety and give her time to cool off so that you can be near her safely again. And then calmly let her know that you will need to have her move out (or you move out?) and/or that you will be forced to call the police if there is ever violence again. I hope you do not have to get the police involved, but sooner may be better than later if you have to keep living together no matter what and she cannot accept or adhere to a boundary of no violence.

[Sadgirl92]

Thank you for replying. I really appreciate it. So I did call the police, but could not bring myself to admit she hit me. So they took her to a hospital voluntarily and the hospital told her there isn't enough room and it would be better idea if she came home. So she came home guilt ridden. Full of sorrys. It will happen again soon. Same ol routine. So I am going to take your advice and leave. I should have left before it escalated. It was freezing outside so I was being stubborn. But it's worth it. Idc if I have to sit in a parking lot for hours. You are right. Leaving is and will work. I remeber doing it a few times in the past and I have to admit. She couldn't blow up cuz I wasn't there. So thank you for reminding me. Since it's a quiet day I am going to finally read the info on the right. Thanks again for replying

[Deckchairs]

 Im so sorry you are dealing with this. From my experience with the police, there never was a good outcome. When situations become out of control it is best to remove yourself. Do not allow  yourself to get drug down into their crap. If you come back and the situation is no better, call ERS. They will come to your home and either de escilate the situation, or they will take her to the hospital. If they take her, the odds are a bed will be found somewhere. I have done this and a bed was found within 150 miles. Wishing you peace.

[oshinko maki]

should have left before it escalated. It was freezing outside so I was being stubborn.

I have been in that situation many times, and when I didn't leave for fear of the cold and all the preparation it takes to leave when it is cold outside, I regretted it. Thus preparing a temporary escape bag.
You are definitely right about leaving at the start of a rage.
Note that she may lock you out for a while, too. I think I was probably locked out every time because I remember hearing the lock, but it was normally open again after a few hours of going to a park or drinking coffee at McDonalds. The ERS advise sounds great. (I have never heard of it even.)

[Sadgirl92]

Hi Shinzo and deck chairs. I want to remember your usernames because there's so much on this board I will not know who anybody is. You two responded to me and I really appreciate it.

SHINZO I am so glad again, that you reminded me to leave and what a great idea about preparing a bag to take. Ok. So I did that. I got my backpack with charger, money etc.

Deck chairs I never heard of ERS either I am going to have to google this.

My daughter seemed ok today, well because I made her dinner and she asked me to serve her. So I did. Then after her nap (cuz she always fricken sleeps) she send me a text to tell me "just so know. I'm not ok I will never forgive you" like what the heck is that? She's basically letting me know she woke up in a bad mood and she sees me smiling so she wants to burst my bubble. That is so damn mean man. If anybody should be sending bubble bursting texts it's ME! Damn I need to do some more reading on this site. I need to learn how to cope. How do you guys cope? How would you feel if you were in a great mood and got that depressing text?

[Kwamina]

Hi Sadgirl92,

Thanks for the update.

Being physically abused by your own child is very concerning. Was this the first time that she hit you and has thrown stuff at you or has she done it before?

Do you feel safe around your daughter?

[Sadgirl92]

Was this the first time that she hit you and has thrown stuff at you or has she done it before?

Do you feel safe around your daughter?

Hello.  This is not the first time she hit me. She has hit me, thrown things at me... .pushed me... .threw beer in my face... .spit on me.

I mean I don't trust her around me when she's mad anymore. I don't think she would do anything really scary tho... .u know?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Sadgirl92,

I'm so sorry for what brings you here, and glad you found the site. We're here to walk with you, and share what we've learned, like communication skills that work with someone prone to emotional dysregulation, as well as boundaries. When the communication skills are not enough, the boundaries have to be.

It sounds like your daughter is looking for limits to help her control her own out of control emotions and behaviors. She cannot do it on her own, so the environment (including you) has to create boundaries for her. It's scary to be out of control, and she doesn't have the skills yet to center herself.

It feels counter intuitive, yet having strong boundaries is an act of love, especially with a child who is out of control.

Boundaries with a BPD child means anything you can enact yourself (versus requiring her cooperation).

What is your relationship like when she is not dysregulated? Can you have a reasonable conversation with her?

[cbm419]

dont let the physical violence go any further, set boundaries and enforce.

my BPD ex kept hitting and hitting and one day i ended up with broken bones and 50k worth of reconstructive surgery.  have a titanium plate in my face that is permanent.

in my experience these people, when in that state of mind, cannot moderate the level of strength they are using and will not set limits.

ive been bitten, scratched, punched, had things thrown at me, knives swung... .ugh.

and when the cops were called the blame would go on me and they get told i was the one getting physical.

Im so sorry you are dealing with this with your daughter. as youll read here, for many of us, the only solution was to leave these people in the dust.  cant do that with family.

[cbm419]

Im sorry to send such a dour message; however, i read above you saying "it cant/wont get so bad with her, she is my daughter"

I just want you to understand that no matter who you are in your BPDs life, limits will likely not apply.

these people are sick, and in these moments of dysregulation, they cannot be trusted to maintain boundaries.

that is why we must do so to protect ourselves. 

Outside of harming others, i saw my BPD nearly kill himself several times, indiscriminately stab and cut himself until there was enough blood on the floor to paint the walls.  What i would say is that outside of finding yourself support in these groups, you need to urge, support or coordinate a complete medical intervention for your daughter.

you are her mother, you have and always have had authority.  unfortunately for my ex, his mother was VERY sick in the head and father a proud alcoholic, and neither would exert any pressure for him to get help.  You can and should.  It is the only pathway to your continued safety and her future happiness and success.

[Sadgirl92]

I did. It see all these second page replies. Very good information thank you.

Well she finally went to intake last Monday. So you know the health care system she doesn't have another appt until Jan 11!  So until then I will be walking on eggshells.

I did however make myself a counseling spot as well. If we're going to do this I need to be counseled and directed as well.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Sadgirl92

I did however make myself a counseling spot as well. If we're going to do this I need to be counseled and directed as well.

Having a solid support network can be invaluable so I think you've taken a great and very important step by getting some help for yourself

This is not the first time she hit me. She has hit me, thrown things at me... .pushed me... .threw beer in my face... .spit on me.

I mean I don't trust her around me when she's mad anymore. I don't think she would do anything really scary tho... .u know?

Could it perhaps be that you've gotten so used to your daughter's extreme and abusive behaviors, that you've gotten desensitized to a certain extent? You do not think that she would do anything scary, but what do you define as scary exactly? I think her behaviors you describe (hitting, throwing things, pushing, beer in your face, spitting) actually are already quite scary and concerning.

It is important to keep in mind that BPD is a disorder and people with BPD suffer from distorted thinking and perception. As a result, they sometimes might spiral out of control and do certain things that you might never had expected and I think it is advisable to take some steps to protect yourself.

It feels counter intuitive, yet having strong boundaries is an act of love, especially with a child who is out of control.

I totally agree with what livednlearned says here 'Tough' love today can ultimately be the most loving thing you can do for your daughter in the long-run. It's important to keep in mind that boundaries are about you and you alone. Boundaries are about protecting yourself. It doesn't matter if the other person respects your boundaries or not. What matters is that you are willing and able to set firm boundaries and defend/enforce them. Boundaries do not necessarily have to be communicated verbally. You can also set and communicate your boundaries by simply changing your behavior and how you respond to your daughter.

To help you assess your safety situation, I encourage you to take a look at this material:
Safety First

I also encourage you to take a look at the material about creating a family crisis safety plan:
Develop a Family Crisis Safety Plan

@cbm419
You too have been through a lot and I just want to say that it is horrible that this has happened to you. I hope you will continue to heal and grow

Take care

The Board Parrot