How can we help her?

[atman]

This is my first post.

My wife and I have been together for 2 years. My step daughter Jen is 19 and out of school now. Jen has been the source of nearly non-stop turmoil since she was 12. I'm familiar with BPD because my ex-wife suffers from BPD. But that was nothing compared to this.

My step-daughter Jen seems to be a very extreme example of BPD. Jen has never met her father. He has been in jail since she was born. She's been in various mental institutions on and off since she was 12.  That's when she was first diagnosed with BPD. She gets there with suicide threats and then immediately wants out because nothing is wrong. Any sort of therapy we've tried to continue from there goes nowhere. Jen is very dishonest with the therapists and doesn't want help. So she goes to the extreme to avoid it. It is impossible to get her to take medication. The last couple years she has begun smoking pot. It's become an everyday activity now. My wife and I don't approve, but it does seem to help her stay calmer.

She is very smart. Although she missed a lot of school she did graduate and did great on her ACTs. We got her enrolled in college two hours away. We took her there on a Thursday and by Tuesday we were bringing her home. My wife and I had to make a trip to see her every day to try to calm her down about something. There was two visits to the ER because Jen felt extremely sick. Thousands were spent on ER tests but nothing was found. Last day at school the police got involved because she was threatening her roommate. Jen never made it to a single class. It was a disaster.

Jen has had roughly 15 different jobs over the last 3 years and none of them has lasted more than 1 week. She either decides she can't handle someone at work or something happens outside of work that renders her too emotionally upset to go.

At home Jen is extremely abusive. Something simple like "Hey Jen, would you close the front door behind you, it is 10 degrees outside? " is like kicking a badger. She feels attacked if you suggest in any way that she has done something wrong. It doesn't matter how minor. Jen is draining us financially. When she wants money she starts out sweet and nice, but if you tell her no it turns into world war. We've had to get the police involved many times. Right or wrong we sometimes give in just to avoid the fight. Jen leaves a trail of messes everywhere she goes. We can't get her to contribute in the house at all. Her room is like something off hoarders and everyone in the house has to clean up after her. None of our rules are respected. She brings people in the house in the middle of the night, she steals, she is mean to the younger kids, etc. We draw lines, she crosses them. Giving her consequences means having to call the police. 3 times now my wife has been physically attacked by Jen. Jen has figured out how to turn the tables, call the police herself, and accuse her mom. We've always been able to work it out with doctors, lawyers, social workers, and judges. But the headache of it all does lead one to want to take the easy way out sometimes.

Having any sort of rational discussion is impossible. She lies, distorts, creates her own reality, and changes the subject. Or she escalates in anger to the point we have to get the police. It can be helpful to get someone outside the house to sit in. Jen will stay calmer. But she usually just tells everyone what they want to hear when we do that. Then back to business as usual.

My wife and I feel ashamed about this, but we want her out of the house. We love her but we can't do it anymore. Jen recently tried getting an apartment with her boyfriend. But her boyfriend broke up with her after two days of living with her. Jen blamed her mother and I for that. Everything is our fault, or somebody else's fault, but never, ever, ever Jen's fault. She has no place to go. It's a given that she would be homeless if we kick her out. The homeless shelters for women have rules and we know she would be kicked out. Probably on day 1. But really, Jen wants to be out of our house too.

Wondering if anyone has any suggestions?

Also wondering if anyone has any experience with disability pay or some sort of welfare for people like this? I don't think there's much hope for her to hold down a job. Perhaps if Jen thought there was potential paycheck involved she might be willing to see a therapist and be honest. But I don't know anything about it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sadgirl92]

Boy do I understand. Today was a normal day. I even got a text earlier from my 23D saying "I want to be nicer to you" so I'm thinking ok cool maybe she is over this bad week. Then later on that night she wants me to know she's still mad. She sends me a text from her room " I just want you to know I'm not ok I really needed you and you always let me down" she wanted me to be sad because she heard me laughing while I was watching The Santa Clause. She wanted to hurt me and to remind me I can't be happy if she's not. What a ___en pain in the ass. I'm sorry for cussing but I'm so damn sick of this life.
Your daughter sounds so much like my daughter I understand your pain. Unfortunately Im new too so I have no advice. But I hope you feel better knowing hay you're not alone. Just theee days ago my daughter came at me swinging. The cops came took her to hospital. The hospital said there's no room here and we can't give you meds. What the heck kind of system is this? Ativan does seem to help her. Does your daughter take any kind of anxiety meds? Mine doesn't get hers until Thursday and I have to pay $300 of my hard earned money to get it just so I can have 30% peace.
But, I have been hearing on this site people say... ."make boundaries" but like you said you make any rules and it turns into war.  Same here. How are we supposed to make rules if it's a war just doing so?
I also have read that we can't change them but we can change ourself. So hay she's in her room mad thinking about how much I "wronged" her. Well I'm going to remain in my room laughing at The Santa Clause.
Oh and I wish my daughter would leave too. But like yours she has nowhere to go. Like yours not even a shelter would take her. Well cheers to you I hope we can find some answers on here. I will make note of your username and try to reply when I see your posts. I gotta connect with people here or I seriously think I'm going to lose it.

[livednlearned]

Hi atman,

Your step daughter sounds very challenging, and like you say, her behaviors are pretty extreme

Does she go through tender cycles where she is self-aware about her condition?

Are you and your wife on the same page about what needs to happen?

Does your step daughter respond to validation skills?

[atman]

Thanks for the responses Sadgirl92 and livednlearned.

Sadgirl: Our kids have a lot in common for sure. I definitely feel your pain.

livednlearned: She does go through tender cycles where she is self aware but they are becoming very rare. Actually she is in one right now. She opted not to go to work this morning. Another job lost inside a week. Her mom and her had a battle over it and Jen mentioned suicide. We also discovered she has been cutting again. It's minor compared to past cutting. But I just had a good conversation with her. She wants help, as of right now. She goes to a therapist Monday. It's been over a year since I've seen her this way and been able to have a productive conversation with her.

My wife and I are not so much on the same page. It's tough. My wife was always single raising her daughter. I came into the picture when Jen was 16. I have several other kids and an older daughter. They have taught me a few things. When I set boundaries and layout the consequences for crossing them I mean it. It's not difficult for me to let the kids have consequences. Not so for my wife. We've spelled out written agreements with Jen and set boundaries in a variety of ways. However my wife has a very hard time letting Jen have consequences. Even when we've agreed on them prior to informing Jen what they will be. For me a natural consequence of Jen not going to work is Jen not having money. But my wife and her father will both give in and provide Jen money. They know I disagree and they do it secretly at times. It's very enabling. Jen sees this divide and has a ton of disdain for me. When her mom does let her have consequences Jen blames me thinking it wouldn't happen if I weren't in the picture. I see it like taking a knife from a 2 year old and watching them have a tantrum. This is just me loving you, get used to it kid. My wife would take the knife and spend an hour consoling them because she would feel so bad about making the kid cry. I am seeing this improve with my wife though.

I actually don't know what you mean by validation skills. I'll have to do some more research on that.

[drained1996]

atman, if you will take a look to the right of this page in the upper part of the margin you will see some tools and lessons.  One thing many of us have learned is that we cannot change our person with BPD, but we can change how we react to and communicate with them.  I think it would be a great idea for you and your wife to look over these things together and also share them with the ex husband if he is willing to participate.  You'll note that there is also a section of communicating boundaries and limits... .maybe that'll help them see your perspective when they look this over. 
There are many resources here... .video links, book reviews, and of course other members, their stories and input from many who have or are walking in your shoes.  Feel free to post any questions, thoughts or feelings you may have here anytime!  We are here.   

[livednlearned]

It's tough being a step parent.

I'm in a similar position. My partner does not have strong boundaries with his D19, and it has been the source of conflict on many occasions between us.

We eventually went to counseling together, and the therapist recommended bringing in a child psychologist to talk to us both about the long-term impacts of having weak boundaries with a child who has none of her own. It moved the needle a little my way, in that my partner can see how D19 needs to have firm boundaries, and he picked up some useful phrases that he felt comfortable using.

I apply BPD skills (like validation, setting boundaries, etc.) to my partner, and try to not get too invested in D19's stuff.

Because when he is in rescue mode with her, it's not all that different than experiencing the BPD behaviors directly, if that makes sense. Meaning, D19 has no boundaries, and my partner has weak boundaries. So the two of them together may as well be one when it comes right down to it.

And the behaviors are, for better or worse, pretty consistent. No real surprises anymore. I focus on the things I can control, and let go of what I cannot. I assert my boundaries gently, and firmly, and consistently, and without judgment. I know how hard it is to have boundaries with a mentally ill child and can only hope that eventually he sees how his behavior simply makes things harder in the long run.