Time to decide, please share your insights

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Married for 28 years, two of my three children will be 18 in one month.  The third is already a sophomore in college.  I have been seeing a therapist for several years (without my wife) When she knew that I was seeing a therapist she used to sneer at me and ask me if I had seen "my girlfriend" that day.  My wife went to "one" therapy session and will not see anyone (I have asked and or recommended that she see someone many times) She has told me on countless occasions how "selfish" I am.  I have suffered through countless tongue lashings.  Several priests have told me to leave and I was referred to my current therapist through a priest.  No need to go into gory details about the abuse that I have suffered through out the years. Here is a little taste of what I get:

When I come home from work there is never a hug or kiss or any question as to how my day was.  When I go to bed there is never a kiss good night or anyone next to me to cuddle with.  When I wake up no one says good morning.  But, If I wake up and go to the kitchen to make coffee I will hear someone yell from the bedroom " Did you wash your hands before touching the coffee pot?  You have been grabbing yourself all night you are filthy".  I run the water in the kitchen and open and close the cabinet door with the hand towel to keep from having to listen to this.  I don't wash my hands.  If I want to make a pot of coffee I will make one.  I don't need someone to tell me what to do.  Farmers sleep in barns right next to their cows and eat lunch with their animals without worrying about washing up.

Needless to say There is something wrong here.  My wife will not go to therapy and I have come to the conclusion that she has some "cluster 2 disorder" or is at least a verbal abuser.  I refer to my wife as "my boss".

I don't think I really like her any more.  When I married her she told me about how "horrible" her family treated her, how her sister got everything and she got nothing.  Her parents home was a pig sty, when I met her she had crooked rotten teeth and was wearing cheap glasses that were broken and taped together with scotch tape.  I figured I would be the knight in shining armor and treat her well and we would live happily ever after.  Boy was I wrong.  Now I am "selfish liar cheater and thief"  and her family is her "support system" that I took her away from. 

Two weeks after we were married we were back in front of the priest that married us because someone had told my new wife that I had a serious girlfriend before I had met her and had considered marriage once before but ultimately decided against it.  My new wife was devastated because she wasn't my "first choice" and spent days crying endlessly.   I briefly considered annulment but ultimately decided that I could "fix" this by just showing her love and compassion.  Boy was I wrong.  This thing has been bad since the beginning.

I feel guilty because I wish I had never gotten married or had gotten the thing annulled when I learned of her extreme misgivings at the two week mark.  But then I think of my children and how I and the world would never have been blessed with them if this marriage had not occurred.

There is no joy in my life.  I gave up all my hobbies, friends, personal interests years ago in the hope that I could stop "being selfish" as I was constantly accused of.

I guess I don't know where to go from here.  I think I want to leave, in fact I know that if we had no children involved this would have ended long ago.  My only question now is if I decide to end this how will my young adult children react.  Will I lose my relationship with my children?  I will not badmouth their mother to them as she will always be their mother.  I do not know what I should tell them.  Will they be mad at me for leaving?  For taking away their sense of family however distorted that may be ?  I have read many articles about the devastating effects of parental divorce on young adults.

I am not myself.  The person that I want to be is "inside".  I act in ways and do things that I know will not set her off because I am sick of being berated and yelled at.  I am in my late 50's I cannot envision another 20 years like this but fear of the unknown keeps me from leaving.  But life is going to change when these two turn 18 and go off to college.

Any thoughts will be appreciated.

[Lostman]

Married for 28 years, two of my three children will be 18 in one month.  The third is already a sophomore in college.  I have been seeing a therapist for several years (without my wife) When she knew that I was seeing a therapist she used to sneer at me and ask me if I had seen "my girlfriend" that day.  My wife went to "one" therapy session and will not see anyone (I have asked and or recommended that she see someone many times) She has told me on countless occasions how "selfish" I am.  I have suffered through countless tongue lashings.  Several priests have told me to leave and I was referred to my current therapist through a priest.  No need to go into gory details about the abuse that I have suffered through out the years. Here is a little taste of what I get:

When I come home from work there is never a hug or kiss or any question as to how my day was.  When I go to bed there is never a kiss good night or anyone next to me to cuddle with.  When I wake up no one says good morning.  But, If I wake up and go to the kitchen to make coffee I will hear someone yell from the bedroom " Did you wash your hands before touching the coffee pot?  You have been grabbing yourself all night you are filthy".  I run the water in the kitchen and open and close the cabinet door with the hand towel to keep from having to listen to this.  I don't wash my hands.  If I want to make a pot of coffee I will make one.  I don't need someone to tell me what to do.  Farmers sleep in barns right next to their cows and eat lunch with their animals without worrying about washing up.

Needless to say There is something wrong here.  My wife will not go to therapy and I have come to the conclusion that she has some "cluster 2 disorder" or is at least a verbal abuser.  I refer to my wife as "my boss".

I don't think I really like her any more.  When I married her she told me about how "horrible" her family treated her, how her sister got everything and she got nothing.  Her parents home was a pig sty, when I met her she had crooked rotten teeth and was wearing cheap glasses that were broken and taped together with scotch tape.  I figured I would be the knight in shining armor and treat her well and we would live happily ever after.  Boy was I wrong.  Now I am "selfish liar cheater and thief"  and her family is her "support system" that I took her away from. 

Two weeks after we were married we were back in front of the priest that married us because someone had told my new wife that I had a serious girlfriend before I had met her and had considered marriage once before but ultimately decided against it.  My new wife was devastated because she wasn't my "first choice" and spent days crying endlessly.   I briefly considered annulment but ultimately decided that I could "fix" this by just showing her love and compassion.  Boy was I wrong.  This thing has been bad since the beginning.

I feel guilty because I wish I had never gotten married or had gotten the thing annulled when I learned of her extreme misgivings at the two week mark.  But then I think of my children and how I and the world would never have been blessed with them if this marriage had not occurred.

There is no joy in my life.  I gave up all my hobbies, friends, personal interests years ago in the hope that I could stop "being selfish" as I was constantly accused of.

I guess I don't know where to go from here.  I think I want to leave, in fact I know that if we had no children involved this would have ended long ago.  My only question now is if I decide to end this how will my young adult children react.  Will I lose my relationship with my children?  I will not badmouth their mother to them as she will always be their mother.  I do not know what I should tell them.  Will they be mad at me for leaving?  For taking away their sense of family however distorted that may be ?  I have read many articles about the devastating effects of parental divorce on young adults.

I am not myself.  The person that I want to be is "inside".  I act in ways and do things that I know will not set her off because I am sick of being berated and yelled at.  I am in my late 50's I cannot envision another 20 years like this but fear of the unknown keeps me from leaving.  But life is going to change when these two turn 18 and go off to college.

Any thoughts will be appreciated.

[Anna2]

I am definitely not an expert, but in many ways I've gone through a somewhat similar experience, the only difference being that my husband never yelled at me as well as I never yelled at him in 23 years of marriage ... .and three kids (now 20, 18, and 13). Nonetheless, my husband typical way to punish me for whatever was the Silent Treatment (accompanied by going to bed without having dinner ... .waking away at any attempt to have a conversation and much more).

Things got to be so bad that we ended up not talking to each other for years (while still leaving under the same roof). I'm so sorry, but I have to admit that I should have not "resisted" as long as I did. I should have broken up with him a long time ago ... .in the best interest of everybody including obviously the kids that ended-up growing up in a dysfunctional emotional environment.

I do not think that my husband has BPD (for not ever yelling ... .) maybe "obsessive compulsive" and more, or less, I do not know. I am here because my older son is involved with a girl whom I believe has BPD ... .and I'm wondering ... .could this be "one of the prices" that "we" have to pay for having kept the "unhealthy" relationship with my husband keep going for so long? I'm afraid that it is not a coincidence that my older son got tangled up with her when he did ... .She made him feel great!

Anyhow, after years of thinking about it and trying to do it, last year I finally managed to break-up. It's been hard, and with the problem that I'm having with my son ... .I really feel lonely with nobody to talk to and to help me make better decisions to IMPROVE myself, my family is across the Ocean, I do not have many friends at all, and my kids for sure are all "hurt" one way or another (that's why I'm here) BUT I do believe that THEY would be hurt even more if we'd still be together. Keeping together and/or growing up in a dysfunctional emotional environment does not help anybody. I WISH I HAD UNDERSTOOD THIS EARLIER.

So, my "unprofessional" suggestion ... .Do not wait any longer.

[Wrongturn1]

Lostman:  Welcome to the forms!   And thank you for posting this!

I've been married to a uBPDw (undiagnosed BPD wife) for 19 years now, and our youngest just turned 9.  I often wonder what will happen in our marriage once our daughter grows up and moves away.  Basically I'm in the same spot you were about a decade ago, so I do not have any special insight on your next moves.  But I am very interested in how things go once your 18-year-olds are out of the house and the relationship dynamic changes.  Please keep posting here so I can benefit from your experience.

Also, if you could write a letter to yourself of a decade ago, what advice would you give him (me)?

[formflier]

You have found a safe place to discuss your situation.  We can help you decide but can't make your decision for you.

Big questions for you. 

How do you view yourself and your role in the r/s (relationship) now, versus when you started seeing a T (therapist).  Basically... .what insight have you gained?

Same question about what changes you have made based on what you have learned through T.



FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Lostman, Welcome!  Many of us, including me, have been in your shoes.  I was married to a pwBPD for 16 years, with 2 kids, etc.  We're not here to tell you what to do, though we can help you make the best decision for YOU, which is what it's all about, in my view.  There's no right or wrong decision, except to the extent it's right for you.  Many here fear the unknown, with reason, yet what they don't consider is that the unknown may also be where greater happiness lies.  Change is hard, no doubt, and leaving a pwBPD is extremely challenging.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings and try to figure out the right path for YOU.

LuckyJim

[Lostman]

Thanks for responding everyone.  As the time for my youngest to turn 18 draws very close and their departure to a college future is in the next 6 months I have become very introspective.  This may be a long rambling dissertation but I need to get this out.

For many years I didn't realize that I was in a relationship with someone who had a personality disorder of some kind.  First I was very stressed because I felt that life wasn't going as I had learned that it should from my family of origin.  I was constantly trying to make life go in the direction that I felt it should go based on my experience.  I didn't realize for years that I was making unconscious decisions to stay at work, or stop for a drink after work with a friend because I really didn't want to go home and "face the music". But working long hours to get ahead, being in bowling leagues, having male friends, that was something I grew up with. That's the way life was, dad did his stuff, mom did hers and sometimes they went to vegas for a few days, or went to play cards with friends, or we went to an amusement park, or by my uncles house. 

After time the constant complaining, belittling, accusations of my "selfishness" wore on me and I had convinced myself that I truly was a "bad" husband and father.  That I was selfish, and all the other nasty things that I had been called and told that I was.

When I look back at pictures from our earlier years we did many things together as a couple and as a family.  We went for long walks together, we took our kids to the park and zoo, school, sporting events, vacations, her extended family constantly had "parties" that we went to.  But it never seems to have been enough. 

For my whole life I have been involved in motorsports.  I recently found a picture of myself in high school with my first car.  My dad tells me how he remembers me tearing the engine apart in his garage convinced that I would never get it together again.  He still tells people today how amazed he was when I finished.  When I saw that picture I was painfully aware of the fact that the person who I really "am" is gone.

The only reason I met my wife was because she was at a friends house who had a race car.  I met her because she was around when we were working on the car.   I remember telling her before we got married that "this is a part of me, just like some guys go hunting or fishing or to football games, this is what I do". 

But she broke me.

For the last 15 years I have been trying to be a "good man".  I gave up all my hobbies, sold all my racing stuff and bought a big "movie room" for the basement of the house so we could all sit together as a family and enjoy movies together.  We used it together like 5 times, the girls became teen agers and the last thing they want to do is sit home with mom and dad on Saturday and watch bambi.  As a side note they usually bring everyone over to our house because they have such a nice place to sit so I guess it wasn't a waste.

I was accused of never "buying her gifts", "all these other husbands bring their wives flowers home all the time".  So I tried it all, I tried to do everything to be a "good man", I quit drinking altogether, sent flowers to her office (its too late now I had to ask you) made sure there were chocolates at home waiting for her when she got home from work (that's what you do during the day, run around to the mall?  No wonder you don't make more money). 

If I gave her a birthday present at the end of the day she would accuse me of "not having it ahead of time, of buying it on the way home, putting no thought into it".  So, I started getting gifts ahead of time and waking up early and putting them out for her so she got them first thing in the morning, a surprise.  Did that work?  Nope.  "you don't even have the decency to hand them to me you just leave them sitting out on the table, how unloving".

We would go on vacation and I would go to the grocery store to buy stuff for our stay. She would give me a list.  If I would buy something that wasn't on the list or a quantity of an item other that what she had specified she would scold me and berate me for "wasting money", why did you buy that stuff, who wants it, who is going to eat all this stuff, and on and on.  Like I said, I don't have a partner, I have a boss.

So that's how my life was.  It took me a couple years of therapy to realize that no matter what I did it wasn't going to change things.  It took me longer to understand what a personality disorder is.  This person seems normal, outsiders adore her, but, she can be the meanest person on the planet to me.  She never admits that she is wrong and she NEVER says "I'm sorry".  She had some really heated battles with the teen age girls and I realized that if I left they would be subject to her wrath without me there to intervene.  So I have stayed and kind of "run interference" for the kids.  My oldest went as far away as she could for college and only comes back home for 5 days at Christmas and maybe a week during the summer.  I don't know what the younger ones will do yet.

Yesterday one of my daughters put her Christmas wish list out on email.  She asked for some clothes and some big hoop earrings.  Typical 2016 18 year old girl stuff.  My wife called me saying look at the stuff that that little slut wants, she is just a tramp and you just let it happen.  No discipline in this house, you let them run the roost.  When are you going to be a man and a real father.  Just a few weeks ago she said that one daughter had the same personality as the serial killer in South Carolina.  She said "that girl is absolutely devoid of compassion, she is just like that Kohlhepp guy".

For the record my daughters are very polite in public, have never come home later than midnight, never come home drunk, never really caused any problems.  Are their rooms messy? Yes.  Are they whiney at times?  Yes.  Are they disrespectful to me at times yes. But, if they know they have been out of line they always apologize.  I remember one time one of them really was mean to me.  The next day she came up to me and said, "dad, I'm sorry for the things I said, I was just in a really bad mood yesterday, can we just make believe it didn't happen?"  Turns out she was especially nasty for a while because she was taking some really high doses of allergy medicine as prescribed by a doctor.

Are my children angels ?  No.  Could they be better ?  Yes.  Right now, they need to grow up.  They have avoided drugs and alcohol, their friends are respectable, they haven't brought any nasty guys home.  Time, gentle guidance, good examples.  That is what will help them to become responsible and respectable adults.  ":)iscipline and Consequences", my wifes  two favorite words will only make rebellious teens.

But I digress.  I have finally realized that this isn't going to get better.  I am living with a mean person.  She doesn't say good morning, good night, have a nice day, anything kind.  She is just listening to see if I wash my hands before making coffee at 6am.  But life is going to change soon.  The kids will be 18 and gone.  I will be left with someone that has said some really mean things to me.

Valentines day, maybe 4 years ago, the anniversary of our engagement I was working with my therapist trying to "make up" for my 50% of the "wrongs" I had done in the last 20 years.  I made dinner reservations a couple of weeks in advance.  She said "I really don't want to go, the food is always overpriced and service is always bad".  I said OK.  A little while later she comes up to me and says "I hate this day, it reminds me of the worst day of my life, the day I agreed to marry you".  Happy valentines day... .

I don't have any loving feelings for her any more.  I look for every excuse to get away.  I have my dad call me at night to come over and help him with some fictitious task just so I don't have to sit there and listen to her b___.  I have one friend that I talk to but I only call him from work because she checks my cell phone records and looks at the numbers I call.  If I get a text at home she immediately says "who is texting you"?    I am sick of going to confession and saying "father I had to lie to my wife about where I was because she would yell at me and accuse me of being selfish if I told her where I was or what I bought.  I am sick of being treated like a child.

Leaving and splitting everything up will be hard.  (do we each pick six plates and six cups, who will get the cats ?)  But my main fear is looking like a hypocrite or a "quitter" to my children.  I've read so many articles about how badly divorce can affect young adult children that I am scared stiff.  I fear losing them, I don't know how they will react.  I don't know what to tell them, how much to tell them, how to warn them, how to tell them that it is not OK to let someone that you married call you names.  How do I tell them that their mother is mean without putting down their mother.  She is their mother, I don't want to put her down but somehow, some way they need to know why I can't go on any more, why our family has to change.

If it weren't for them I would have left long ago.  I can accept my catholic faith edict that marriage is a once in a lifetime event.  If I get a civil divorce I will remain single for the remainder of my life.  To avoid loneliness I will probably volunteer at the church for something.  I will pray more.  I will go to mass more.  I will visit my parents more.  I am an only child and my parents are in their 90's, I have a lot of loss in my future.  I have a lot of loss to handle, my children growing into adults and having their own life, what if they decide to move to a foreign country to study or for a job and I am only a distant memory in their life?  My friends ?   Except for one, all long gone.  I abandoned my passions many years ago and all those people and events.  Now I look at abandoning my dream of sitting on a porch somewhere warm reading a book with my wife along side.  That's what I thought growing old would be like.

But I must.  I can't live with someone that treats me with such contempt any more.  I can't live the next 20 years like this, but I don't know what the future will bring and I am scared of it.  I pray every day and ask for help and guidance with the difficult times ahead.  It is assured that the road will only get harder from this point forward.

Thanks for listening.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Lostman, Your story is quite familiar.  Though each person on this site has a unique history, they tend to follow a similar pattern.  You are not alone, believe me.  Many of us have been down this road before you.  As an initial matter, I have a question.  Presumably you have reason to believe that your spouse is suffering from BPD.  How did you arrive at this conclusion?

I doubt that the person you really are is gone; instead, I would suggest that your authentic self has been on hold.  I liken it to a pilot light on a stove: it's up to you to turn up the flame again.  Like you, I lost myself for a while there and it was not fun.  It happened in much the way you describe.  I was isolated from friends and family and lost perspective in the throes of marriage to my BPDxW.  So I can relate to your experience.

You're right, you have rough sledding ahead.  Yet I would argue that it involves short term pain in exchange for long term happiness, which is what its all about, in my view.  Keep us posted and let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[Lostman]

I have seen two therapists across the last 5 or 6 years. The first had one session with my wife the second only knows of her from my experience.  Both have said that she exhibits strong borderline tendencies.  Since she will not see a therapist she can not be formally be diagnosed.  Hence instead of calling her BPD I just say that she probably has some cluster 2 disorder.  If she does not have a disorder of some kind she is then just an incredibly mean and angry person.   She is certainly verbally abusive.

[TommyBahama]

I sure wish I had an annulment.  The first week of marriage was good, then after  a week I started noticing things, I think like one week to the day and that same day I was online looking for ways to annul a marriage.  I decided to stay and my mom always tells me to try and work it out (well she used to anyways, she has gotten tired of the BS now also eveen though its directed at me and not her).

My wife is dying to have a child with me and I won't do it, I have said to myself you can undo everything with time except that.  I can just imagine doing everything on my own for the child.  I have one now from a previous relationship and she has one also from a previous (I did not find out about her child until we were married a year).  I know what you mean about asking if you had a good day, she never asks and I don't anymore.  We also do not text throughout the day, but she will text other people.  The communication during the day will usually consist of me sending a text saying "how are you, did you eat?".  She would reply "yes" or "yes, did you eat".  Thats about it.  I still do that because I would always be the one to message  throughout the day and she would never message so I stopped, but I just kept that one daily text because that stops her from saying I didnt message even though she won't unless I do first.

I try to remember that it is the disorder that causes the behavior, I think I am similar to you (White Knight) because I wanted to save her and do good things for her so she could be better when I married her.  She will never appreciate what you do for her.  It may come as a thank you for that moment but they never really appreciate you and will not do the things you do for them back for you.

Things in my house are worse when my son is around (she never treats her blood child the way she does mine) so I now have him living with my mom because of how she treats him.  I am no expert but in your case it may be worse once the kids leave.  When they leave she will have no one to complain about except you.  You have to start looking out for yourself once the kids are gone because she won't and you will have to do what is best for you so that you can have at least some happiness.

[Lucky Jim]

Understood.  My BPDxW is an angry, abusive, unkind person.  I reached a point in our marriage where I considered her an a**hole, which isn't nice to say but I had so many negative experiences.  An actual diagnosis is hard to come by for the reason you suggest: most people w/BPD refuse to participate in therapy.  LJ

[Fie]

Hello Lostman  

I am sorry for the situation you are finding yourself in.
It seems that for years you have lived a life that is not your own. If you ask me it is only natural and fair that you want to (re)discover who you really are, and what you want from the life that is still there for you.

In my opinion there is something really important here. If people consider, or don't consider, divorce/separation, the thing you always hear is 'I don't want to abandon my children'. What they seem to forget in my opinion, is that separating your partner does *not* mean separating your children.

When my daughter was 2, I separated from her dad. It had become impossible for me to further live with him. I tried and tried, mainly for my child, because the mere thought of separating from her dad engulfed me with guilt towards her. After we separated, I saw that she changed. She became happier, more open, ... .I don't know if it was because she saw that I (and I hope her father, too) was more happy, or because there were no fights anymore, but the end result was the separation for her was in the end a good thing.

Of course she was a lot younger than your children. We talked about it a lot (child level) and we read books about parents separating, so she would not feel alone with it. She wanted to read the same book over and over again each night, for weeks or even months. Your children probably won't need books, but I think it can be a good idea to sit them down and talk, several times if needed. Maybe you can talk this over with a therapist, maybe a therapist specialist in youngsters. I am sure you will get really helpful tips how to approach each of your children about it all. Every age has it's own difficulties to address. For my child, I wanted to make sure f.e. she knew the separation was not her fault. I also wanted her to know that there were are a lot of other children in her situation, also at school. I also talked to the teachers and checked up with them every now and then about how she was doing in school.

What I mean is, it is *not* selfish to want a life. You can separate in a non selfish way, totally considering the needs of your children.  

Another thing to consider is that it can be a good way to show your children that you think you have the right to be happy. Up till now they have probably seen a lot of enmeshment, codependency, etc.  It can be a good thing to show them that you, and thus also them, are allowed to have boundaries. So they have a role model to imitate this from.

Even if in the beginning it could be that they oppose the idea of you separating their mum, I think after a while they will come round. Every child wants their parents to be happy.

Another thing is that I think (but this is my opinion) that a little honesty towards your children is appropriate here.
My mother is BPD. I told my daughter on several occasions that I think grandma's behaviors are not ok and inappropriate sometimes. This was very hard. I would have preferred to not have to do this. It would be much easier to pretend nothing is going on (=the way I was brought up). I also never wanted to be disrespectful towards my mum. But in the end, I felt I had to be honest about it, only to protect the sanity of my daughter. She knows things sometimes are not ok, she feels that certains behaviors are off, and it would be wrong if I said nothing. I know all about growing up being gaslighted and thinking that I was the crazy one. So when grandma acts weirdly, I tell my daughter, listen, something is not ok in this behavior. Grandma's brain is wired differently. She can take responsibility to be cured, but it's very hard and it's probably not going to happen. Things happened when grandma was small, so this is the result. But the responsibility is hers.

My daughter's dad is I believe autistic. Everyone always pretends he's completely fine. But my daughter started to ask questions ('why does dad do this, or does not do that ?' I felt it my responsibility to tell her: he loves you very much, but certain things he cannot do. That is *not* your fault, it's his brain being wired a bit differently than most of the other people's brain. (attributing it to 'brains' is my way to explain to a 8 yr old that it cannot be changed - it's located somewhere : in *their* brain, which means that *we* cannot change it, even if we wanted. Maybe for your children another explanation can be more appropriate)
This sounds harsh, I know. It's counter intuitive, because we want to protect the image of the other parent. But I felt it's the only way I can make sure my daughter knows none of this is her fault (it's his brain) + she knows she can stop trying to change him.

And unexpectedly, after we had had the conversation about her dad, their relationship started to improve. She's not trying anymore to change him. Sometimes I hear her say things like 'well, he's like that, right ?'. And then I feel very proud of her. And happy.


One more thing that stroke me in your story.
It is *not* ok that your wife calls your daughter a slut.
I don't know what it is with BPD and 'slut', but my mother called my daughter the same (she was 6 than).

Please for the sake of your daughter address this with her and make sure she knows that this is *her mother* having an issue there and saying things that she should never have said.


I don't hope this was too long, and maybe some of the things are of no use to you, just pick what you can use. Everyone is different.
There is only one thing the same for everyone, and that is the need to be loved. You don't feel loved in this relationship, and in my opinion there is only the solution of self love, which in your case means you need to exit. Your children need to know that you love them, too. This means you will probably have to tell them that you love them a lot and separating their mother does not mean abandoning them.
You might want to make sure that when you move out, you have nice cosy rooms for them in your new space. Stuff like that. Make sure they know that there is space, and love, for them.

[lovenature]

Welcome Lostman

Sadly the more we try to please our PWBPD, the more unconditional love we give them, the closer we get to them, the more they hurt us and push us away; keep reading, learning, posting. You have been together with your wife for a very long time, but you also have given up many important things in your life including your needs in your relationship. When we put someone ahead of ourselves to a significant enough of an extent, and long enough, we loose ourselves.
Only you can make the decision to stay or go, I can recommend to list all of the good vs. the bad in your relationship to help clarify things.

Do you think your children would benefit from a discussion about how unhappy you are and why? They might give you some advice regarding what they have seen growing up between you and their mother?

[formflier]

the more unconditional love we give them, the closer we get to them, the more they hurt us and push us away; keep reading, learning, posting. 

Hopefully as you are making decisions, you can take the thought that has been quoted above... .and try to look at it with some empathy to the position that they are in.

Imagine what it would be like to crave a close "unconditional love" relationship more than anything in the world, yet at the same time... .a close unconditional love relationship is the thing that is also feared the most.

So... .you move closer... .feel better... .realize fear is increasing... .push away... .fear is better... .realize you miss what you crave... .move closer... .(rinse repeat)

As exhausting as it is to live with a pwBPD, can you imagine what it would be like to be one?

Note:  I'm not asking you to excuse any of their behavior, this is purely an exercise in empathy... .

FF

[Verbena]

I am so sorry you are living this way.  It sounds horrible.

This is my experience.  My divorce was final this past September 2.  I was married 34 years, one week, and five days.  My ex is is angry, negative, insecure, and jealous.  He used mind games and the silent treatment to feel in control.  There were some crazy rages, too, and a lot of disordered thinking which got worse over the years.  He would re-write history, say he didn't remember, claim that stuff he did never even happened.  He believed things that weren't true and didn't believe things that were true.  And he could NEVER be wrong and NEVER apologize.  

Your children are bound to know their mom is mentally ill.  Both my children understand that their dad is a difficult person and has deep issues.  

You will never, ever fix this.  I cried out to God to help me know what to do and was led to get counseling for myself and ask my ex to go.  He flat refused, of course.  He wasn't about to have his behavior revealed in counseling because he wasn't about to be accountable for it.  

Through some conversations that I  know God allowed to happen toward the end, I realized just how disordered he was and knew I had no choice.  I literally could not take another year in my marriage.  I was about to lose my mind dealing with him, and it was clear that he would do absolutely anything to avoid discussing anything with me, a counselor, or anyone else.  

I don't believe my ex ever wanted a divorce.  Your wife may not either.  In my case, we would have just continued on the way were were until one of us died.  He would never have changed because he has no ability to look at himself--none.  

As we moved toward divorce, his false reality and awful behaviors escalated.  It was an awful time.  I should have seen it coming but I didn't.  I just thought if I could ever get him out of the house, I would be okay.  I was far from okay and had PTSD symptoms and a ton of other emotional issues to deal with.  I'm still in therapy to get over the emotional abuse.  

You don't deserve to live this way.  God hates divorce and I know that.  I also know that I cried out to Him for answers and it was very obvious very quickly that my only option, other than divorce,  was to stay and continue to tolerate the abuse.  I just couldn't do that.  Thirty-four years was apparently my limit.  

I hope you will continue to pray for answers because He will show you exactly what to do and be there with you while you go through it.

[Lucky Jim]

Verbena: I admire your courage to make a change after 34 years of marriage.  I'm sorry to hear what you have been through.  Having been formerly married to a pwBPD for 16 years, I understand what you're saying about reaching your limit.  I reached a breaking point, too.

lovenature: I agree with your observation: "Sadly the more we try to please our PWBPD, the more unconditional love we give them, the closer we get to them, the more they hurt us and push us away."  So true.  I call it the paradox of BPD: they fear abandonment, yet push us away; they seek love, yet behave in unloving fashion; they desire stability, yet create chaos; they hurt those who care the most about them; etc.

LuckyJim