If Boundaries Are So Good...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

what would you do if someone were to use those boundaries that you've established against you? Case in point... .recently there has been much turmoil in my wife and I's relationship and it came to a head yesterday all day. Non stop calls, non stop texts that you dont care about me, how could you do this to me, why dont you love me? All while at my primary job, then while I was at my second job as well. She begged me and begged to leave my job and come home.  Constant calls, abusive texts etc. I finally called her back when I got a break and listened to the same message over the phone. Why dont you care, why would you do this to me and so on. I told her that I knew she was upset and angry with me but I had a job to do and we could talk when I got home. She took this as another rejection. Finally, when I got home at midnight, it was on. She proceeded to come downstairs and let me have it. Emotional wreck and she asked me... ."if you loved me, why would you choose work over me?" "You dont love me. Your actions showed me that you dont love me at all"

She then said "you do understand what you did was wrong... right?" I explained that I was committed to her and loved her and that I also had a responsibility to my work and co-workers. I let her know that I knew she was upset and I did not mean to hurt her feelings... .then "then why did you go to work?" "Cant you see how badly you've hurt me and you have never hurt me this bad before" Then she proceeded to let me know that "if you cant see what you did was wrong, then there is no hope for this."

Now, that sets up another whole dilemma. I tried to maintain my boundaries on this issue but in doing so, it now sets up terribly for the next time I try to maintain my boundaries. I have to work a second job. Upon ending the discussion... .she said " when i need you at home. you come home." Thereby, already establishing a head on collision for the next time she wants me home. Ultimately, if I try to stand my ground, who knows what may transpire but I do know that I will be at a loss for words. How can you address that... ."if you loved me, you would a have come home to me."

Apologies for rambling. Just at a loss and she is completely done with me. And I am numb to it all and feel so badly that I cant conjure up much empathy and longer and have listened to this for so many years.

[FiveForFighting]

what would you do if someone were to use those boundaries that you've established against you? Case in point... .recently there has been much turmoil in my wife and I's relationship and it came to a head yesterday all day. Non stop calls, non stop texts that you dont care about me, how could you do this to me, why dont you love me? All while at my primary job, then while I was at my second job as well. She begged me and begged to leave my job and come home.  Constant calls, abusive texts etc. I finally called her back when I got a break and listened to the same message over the phone. Why dont you care, why would you do this to me and so on. I told her that I knew she was upset and angry with me but I had a job to do and we could talk when I got home. She took this as another rejection. Finally, when I got home at midnight, it was on. She proceeded to come downstairs and let me have it. Emotional wreck and she asked me... ."if you loved me, why would you choose work over me?" "You dont love me. Your actions showed me that you dont love me at all"

She then said "you do understand what you did was wrong... right?" I explained that I was committed to her and loved her and that I also had a responsibility to my work and co-workers. I let her know that I knew she was upset and I did not mean to hurt her feelings... .then "then why did you go to work?" "Cant you see how badly you've hurt me and you have never hurt me this bad before" Then she proceeded to let me know that "if you cant see what you did was wrong, then there is no hope for this."

Now, that sets up another whole dilemma. I tried to maintain my boundaries on this issue but in doing so, it now sets up terribly for the next time I try to maintain my boundaries. I have to work a second job. Upon ending the discussion... .she said " when i need you at home. you come home." Thereby, already establishing a head on collision for the next time she wants me home. Ultimately, if I try to stand my ground, who knows what may transpire but I do know that I will be at a loss for words. How can you address that... ."if you loved me, you would a have come home to me."

Apologies for rambling. Just at a loss and she is completely done with me. And I am numb to it all and feel so badly that I cant conjure up much empathy and longer and have listened to this for so many years.

[FiveForFighting]

Just a follow-on email that received this morning that I am struggling with. Seems anything that changes or anything that is tried gets forgotten about after 2 days. I've never had the chance to begin again or start fresh. every thing Ive done wrong for the past 20 years gets brought up again. I want to do more and to improve but I can undo things Ive already done.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am so hurt. Your decision devastated me. You showed me, solidified my understanding that you do not care about what hurts me and will not be there when I need you. You communicated to me that I am not worth it and I don't matter - the exact things I have been struggling with for our entire relationship.

So the next time I tell you how hurt I am by your actions/lack of action and I tell you what I need from you or need you to stop doing, and you say you are sorry and that you will change, am I to believe that you will? Or will you do what you did to me last night. Your pattern has been to hurt me, apologize, hurt me again.

I don't want you to do something because I am asking you. I want you to do something because you want to.

I really am sorry for being so emotional and cussing and losing it. I am just hurting so much I don't know what to do with the pain.

I don't need much. I just need to know my husband loves me, for my husband to touch me, to listen to me, to prioritize me in his life, to let me know that above all other things that I am what matters, to rush to me when I am hurting. But you don't. You leave me alone, hurting and wondering what is so wrong with me.

I hope one day you can look at me with compassion and love me. I don't think you do love me.

If you want out, tell me. I don't want you stuck and unhappy.

I feel like a fool. I have always spoken so highly of you to others, to our kids. Brag on you, support you, try and tell you that I am proud and thankful for you. All the while I am begging for scraps. You want to know the reason

I am just so lonely and hurt.

It wouldn't take much but it seems too much for you to do. I don't know why.

I will not bother you. If you want me, you have to pursue me. You have to call. You have to treat me like I am worth keeping. I cant convince you of that.

I don't know what else to do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[heartandwhole]

Hi FiveForfighting,

I can totally understand your weariness and numbness with this kind of situation. It's very draining to be the target of blame, need, and hurt feelings, even once, but when it goes on for years, it's really tough.

I hope you will be gentle with yourself. You clearly care about your wife, and are working hard to support both of you.

Have you had any luck with S.E.T.? (Support, Empathy, Truth) For example, in those moments she may desperately want to know that you care, so tell her (say it the way that it truthful for you). You have acknowledged that things have been difficult for your wife (and you) recently, so you could confirm that for her, too.  Then, firmly and kindly state the fact that you have to work in order to support your relationship/life.

"(Wife's name), our relationship is important to me, and I want to do all I can to make it work. I hear that you are hurting and feel that I don't care; I can see how my staying at work when you need me feels unloving. I do care, very much, and I have to stay here at work until my shift ends. Let's talk more about this as soon as I get home."

Of course, you will edit it to express how you really feel. I know how difficult it can be to use communication skills when we are exhausted and weary from emotional turmoil. I am  guilty of throwing them out of the window when they are needed most.

If she keeps harping on the fact that your going to work = you don't love her, it will probably take many repetitions of your "truth" to get on the same page.

How are you doing Five? Are you able to get some self-care into your daily routine? Things sound very difficult right now. We're here for you.  

heartandwhole

EDIT: crossed with email post

[VitaminC]

Hi Five,

That sounds like a pretty difficult spot to find yourself in. I am sure that was quite stressful. In situations where nothing at all you say will be right, and everything turned around and presented as proof that the pwBPD was right all along, the most important thing is not to JADE. It doesn't sound like you did that, which is great.
(JADE: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0)

You were right not to drop everything and come home, even if your job allowed you to do that. As you can see, being rational and explaining the facts of the matter ( I love you, but I have to work as well ) does not work when the pwBPD is dysregulating.

My understanding (gained in hindsight and not in time to put into practise in my own relationship) is that a combination of the tools of of S.E.T (Support, Empathy, Truth) and DEARMAN, along with an awareness of your own Boundaries, is the only thing that has a chance of working. But you need to be clear and consistent, and it's not a magic solution that will instantly change the dynamic. That can only happen over time.

With regard to Boundaries, yes you maintained them, which is good, but the thing to keep in mind is that boundaries are more for you than for someone else. If you know what your boundaries are, you then also have to know how you plan to respond if someone crosses them. There's a good discussion here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368

So, knowing your boundaries comes first, and SET and DEARMAN can be used as communication tools to help enforce them.

SET you will find here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

DEARMAN here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0

[MrWtn1978]

So sorry!

Setting and maintaining boundaries are not a magical solution, sadly!  The will work over time, but in the beginning, they seem to make things worse.  Meaning the BPD gets more and more upset and irrational!  She cannot logically see that the most loving thing you do for her is provide financial stability by working 2 jobs.  The realization that if you jeopardize your job, by running to her every second, it will mean living out of a car or shelter at some point.  She would probably say, knowing you love me is more important then our home, food, cars etc... .  Sadly, EVEN if you did EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS it would not fill the hole she has. 

Lifting the burden we have to communicate with and convince the BPD logically is difficult.  It is like trying to communicate in two different languages.  Use the information given by previous posters, and realize even though it doesn't magically soothe her, it will help over time.

Hang in there!  Do whatever self care you can.  Do your best to detach with love. 

[byfaith]

Hi FFF,

She then said "you do understand what you did was wrong... right?

Wow if I could have a dollar for every time I have heard that in the past 5 years... .My problem was I tormented my mind thinking that I HAD done something wrong. It's not that we never do anything wrong but they take most everything and make it horrible. So then we think it was our fault... .Not so my friend.

And I am numb to it all and feel so badly that I cant conjure up much empathy and longer and have listened to this for so many years.

This is the problem, we feel badly that we don't feel sorry for them any longer. We shouldn't feel badly that we can't fix them.

I am getting to the point now where I am caring for myself more and having a better understanding of myself. I realize the more I stand up for myself and enforce boundaries the further she pushes me away. It may have the opposite effect in other relationships.

Ok here is an example one of many. My wife has thrown away/destroyed any and all sentimental gifts I have given her. She has placed framed plaques that I personally made for her that had something to do with our relationship undef the tires of my car so it would crush them. She bagged up momentos in trash bags and left them sit in the kitchen for days. I didn't say a word. I let her throw them away. Her choice.
I bought her a birthday gift that she said she wanted... .she got mad at me and put it in the toilet in my bathroom. What do I do? nothing. I just won't buy her anymore gifts. I won't even exchange christmas gifts with her. That sounds cold but if I don't want to get "hurt" again I don't buy gifts.  The downside of that is I like to give sentimental gifts but I have to stop myself. If I want that warm and fuzzy feeling of gift giving with her I know I run the risk of see it staring at me from the toilet 

When I got to the point that I realized that 95% of this is not my fault I got in a better place.

Hang in there, hope you are getting help.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Triple F, On some level, I suspect you know that this is an unsustainable situation, which will lead to your downfall if you're not careful.  It's not fun to crash, believe me!  I ran myself into the ground trying to cope w/an untenable scenario w/my BPDxW, much like yours.  Take a break; call a timeout; visit a friend or family member; do what you need to do to recharge and refocus, is my suggestion.  In my view, you're on thin ice, my friend . . .

LuckyJim

[formflier]

You will be able to play around with non response to crazyness... .or a short and to the point response.

I've tended to stay short and too the point, as long as my wife isn't yelling and being overtly abusive.

so... "blah blah blah... you have proved to me that you feel xyz about me, I'm not going to put up with it anymore... .so sad that you almost won my heart back... "

my response... said evenly... "If you would like to know how I feel about you, I'm available to share"

her "blah blah blah... .I don't have to ask I know"

me "your choice, let me know if you want to know my feelings... "  switch to different subject and/or walk away.

This kind of response tended to tamp down this kind of thing in my r/s.  I wouldn't argue about how she "didn't know" my feelings.  I used to have those arguments... .very unproductive.

FF

[jrharvey]

I am curious. Why do you work two jobs? I am assuming that you work 2 jobs so that you can take care of your family. I am also assuming that you work 2 jobs because you guys are barely scraping by and making it through. Its a necessary evil. She feels like she needs you around more but at the same time you are battling to keep the family afloat. Have you asked her what her solution would be? Does she work? Does she have a source of income? If she doesn't would she go to work to bring in money so you can work less and be home more? Im not married so this is way above my knowledge but when my GF does these kinds of things I ask her what her solution is. She is usually stumped. 9 times out of 10 there is no change. She just wanted to be a part of the decision.

[once removed]

hi FFF,

a few things jumped out at me:

Seems anything that changes or anything that is tried gets forgotten about after 2 days. I've never had the chance to begin again or start fresh. every thing Ive done wrong for the past 20 years gets brought up again. I want to do more and to improve but I can undo things Ive already done.

your efforts to change and improve things may feel scary to her, and may be experienced as abandonment. have you had an opportunity to read up on extinction bursts (you can do so here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0)?

I really am sorry for being so emotional and cussing and losing it. I am just hurting so much I don't know what to do with the pain.

this is about as clear and honest a statement as she could make, and reading between the lines, thats what her letter reflects to me. shes afraid. her feelings are facts (you "dont love" her). she is hypervigilant about signs of perceived abandonment. and she doesnt have the tools to really express any of it beyond venting her frustrations at you.

i think you communicated pretty well and didnt get stuck in JADE territory. there are steps you can take in terms of reassurance (it will only go so far). always look for an opportunity for positive reinforcement. but perhaps SET in this case might be to acknowledge her fear; that you have been focusing on trying to improve things from your end, and that sometimes that can be scary, and feel like distancing.

[FiveForFighting]

Why do you work two jobs? I am assuming that you work 2 jobs so that you can take care of your family. I am also assuming that you work 2 jobs because you guys are barely scraping by and making it through. 

Hey there... good question. You would be correct in that I am working two jobs to ensure we get caught up and try to stay on track. Money is a very, very sore subject and extremely difficult thing to talk about. Actually, we don't talk about it. I talk and she gets angry and does what she wants with the money anyways. I spoke with her recently about cutting back on the xmas gifts and focusing on the mortgage which we're already late on due to overspending. Her remark was "I know you want to save money but my kids are getting Christmas" So she would rather have take have gifts and risk our home. Finances has always been a problem. I try to save and find ways to cut cost and all it does is anger her. If I truly find cost cutting ideas, it disgusts her because then she thinks I am being like my mother and she cannot stand my family. She has caused division and hurt my family members and when she really wants to hurt me she says "youre just like your father". That's a whole different show. Sorry... .jumped off topic there. Money is a HUGE issue... .and the issue is that we never have enough. I make enough to no have to work 2 jobs but cannot now due to the spending and debt.

[formflier]

 

Couple things to clarify. 

You work two jobs and bring in a lot of the income.

Does she work or otherwise bring in income?

She seems dictatorial about making decisions... .even spending money on presents vice mortgage that is behind.   Correct? 

How long has this way of dealing with money been going on?

Any other big money issues I haven't asked?

FF

[FiveForFighting]

Does she work or otherwise bring in income?

Yes. She does work a full work week as well.

She seems dictatorial about making decisions... .even spending money on presents vice mortgage that is behind.   Correct? 

Yes, that is accurate.

How long has this way of dealing with money been going on?

Since we've been together (20 yrs)

Any other big money issues I haven't asked?

Just the lack of it. I've been chasing a paycheck and trying earn a higher income for 15 years. The more income I get, the more money that goes out. She hasn't always worked outside the home but has to now due to our circumstances.

[formflier]

Is there just one joint account?

What if all the money you earned was under your control?

Could you make it then.

Assume she "blows" all that she makes.

FF

[FiveForFighting]

Is there just one joint account?

Yes. One, joint account.

What if all the money you earned was under your control?

Well... we did try that but she has to have control in some form. She cannot go without having control. We tried and we would have weekly get togethers on where we are currently. Those turned into unproductive situations. Anything that you share or recommend she sees as you're "telling her what to do". We could certainly make it if I was running the show but then she would have to sacrifice some things and she does not want to do that. At least not to date. I have come to the point where I loathe money and I would be mortified if we had a windfall of some sort... .same goes for tax return time.  I want to "squirrel" everything away and by the time I plan what we could payoff with etc... .GONE and we have nothing to show for it, except maybe stuff.

Could you make it then.

Assume she "blows" all that she makes.

FF
[/quote]

[formflier]

She cannot go without having control. We tried and we would have weekly get togethers on where we are currently. Those turned into unproductive situations. Anything that you share or recommend she sees as you're "telling her what to do". We could certainly make it if I was running the show but then she would have to sacrifice some things and she does not want to do that.

So... .what exactly happens to her when she is denied... ."what she has to have".

Tell me more about these unproductive sessions.

Just to be clear... .if you run your money... .what you make.  You can solve your family's finances.  :)o I have this correct?

I'm not asking about your wife's "needs"... .just the finances of your family.

FF

[FiveForFighting]

So... .what exactly happens to her when she is denied... ."what she has to have".

So, she becomes extremely angry and continues to push the envelope until she gets what she wants. She controls the finances, upon her request, so she submits bills etc. She spends on what she feels she "needs" or something the kids "need". Our definition of need is completely different. I submit my view on an item of need and she usually will just ignore what I have to say and purchase anyway. There is no such thing as forbidding of a purchase.

Tell me more about these unproductive sessions.

Same as above. They spiral into shaming sessions and she'll fly off the handle and say and do what she can to make me feel as small as possible, as insignificant as possible.

Just to be clear... .if you run your money... .what you make.  You can solve your family's finances.  Do I have this correct?

If I ran the money, what I make (Single job) and what my wife make together, we could get caught up and establish some savings in a handful of months time. Paying off the additional debt we have acquired would take some time. We have an enormous amount of student loans, which belong to my wife, strapping us.

[formflier]

OK... .so what does the solution look like?

Assume when you are creating the solution that each of you gets to manage their own emotions... .in their own way.

Your job is to create a solution to solve (and possibly improve) the financial standing of your family.

Your job is also to create a solution to manage your own feelings and emotions.

Write up what that looks like... .and then we will help you fine tune it some.

FF

[FiveForFighting]

OK... .so what does the solution look like?

I honestly have no idea what that solution would look like.

Assume when you are creating the solution that each of you gets to manage their own emotions... .in their own way.

I have extreme difficulty in imagining anything other than how I've been operating for 20 years. As I have metioned I have poor/no boundaries and that is something that has been a part of my character for years. I have learned to apply boundaries at my jobs and other places but not at home. Part of my solution, I suppose, would involve maintaining my boundaries and being respected in doing so. To not be talked down to or demeaned in any way and at its simplest, I would like to be able to go to bed early on my own without taking major attitude or drama from my wife and it being a big episode.
I couldnt begin to create a solution that would suit or fit my wife. I would desire a solution for her to be able to operate a day with joy and not complaining about everything from the house, to her pains and aches to being able to control her emotions while getting the kids ready for school or other tasks around the home. She would be positive regarding her job and her day. I understand we all have bad days so I would expect some issues or challenges there. Her solution would limit the use of sarcasm and irritated feelings regrding anything that involves me. Her solution would manage being able to be with my family for any amount of time... .I could go on but ultimately, Am I the creator of her solution or would tha be her? She will ultimately be the one who directs/dictates her solution... .and that would suppose that she was willing to address or even acknowledge her undiagnosed condition. And then, developing a solution would be monumental in itself.

Your job is to create a solution to solve (and possibly improve) the financial standing of your family.

I have mapped out a solution for our finances. I just havent gotten to implement it because she doesnt want to relinquish control. My plan begins w documenting each and every penny we spend for 2 months and find out where the bleeding is. She doesnt want to see that or address that, That would be tantamount to admitting there is an additional problem.

Your job is also to create a solution to manage your own feelings and emotions.

Not sure about this one. Not sure what that would look or smell like. Not sure how to even begin with that. I have been hyper-vigilant recently about how I react to certain things she says and does. I want to maintain my emotions. I have a tendancy to get upset and I do not like confrontation of any kind. I tend to try to stay away from it. Shocking, I know. I would like to get less upset and burt by the way she talks to me and reacts to me. I would also like to voice my feelings and opinions and have them considered because they never are and never have been. Everything in our lives revolves around her, how she feels and how something impacts her. No matter the event, occurance or situation... .its how she feels about it or how it effects her. Not sure how this solution creation thing is working out. Thank you.

[Lucky Jim]

I do not like confrontation of any kind. I tend to try to stay away from it. Shocking, I know. I would like to get less upset and burt by the way she talks to me and reacts to me. I would also like to voice my feelings and opinions and have them considered because they never are and never have been. Everything in our lives revolves around her, how she feels and how something impacts her.

Hey Triple F, You are in good company as I suspect most of us Nons tend to avoid confrontation, which is what makes us good companions for a pwBPD.  In order for you to feel less upset about the way she treats you (poorly), I suggest you practice disengagement, by declining to participate in the drama and letting her words roll of your back like a duck.  Of course everything is about her, because she is ruled by her turbulent emotions.  Just the way it is with BPD, though it doesn't make for warm and fuzzy feelings.

LuckyJim

[TommyBahama]

She then said "you do understand what you did was wrong... right?"

FFF I understand what you're going through my wife never understands either and always thinks I am wrong when it is her.  Sometimes I get tired of trying to break things down as if I am breaking it down for a child.

I work long hours at my job also and wouldn't mind so much if I had less stress at home and if she helped out, but that just makes my stress even more.  I handle all the bills she just wastes her money from her job and when shes wasted all of that she wastes a lot of mine also which makes paying bills even harder.

I feel for you because I know what it feels like.  I hope your wife someday realizes how hard it is to support a family and the sacrifice that you are making.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm going to suggest that you not focus on the financial issues/boundaries today. This statement here points to me in a better direction for you... .along with the description of her blowing up your phone at work earlier... .

Now, that sets up another whole dilemma. I tried to maintain my boundaries on this issue but in doing so, it now sets up terribly for the next time I try to maintain my boundaries. I have to work a second job. Upon ending the discussion... .she said " when i need you at home. you come home." Thereby, already establishing a head on collision for the next time she wants me home. Ultimately, if I try to stand my ground, who knows what may transpire but I do know that I will be at a loss for words. How can you address that... ."if you loved me, you would a have come home to me."

Q: What boundary are you talking about enforcing, FFF? It isn't clear to me at all.

Proper boundary enforcement (for me) takes this form: "When you do X, I will do Y to protect myself from consequence Z of your action X." Note a couple things here... .

1. Your boundary doesn't stop her from doing anything. She gets to choose whether she does something or not.

2. (more important!) You get to choose to take action to protect yourself. Doesn't matter what she wants, says, or does. You have this power.

Contrast that with what I call a rule: ":)on't do X"

In that situation, you can try to punish her or fight her over it, but she has the power to choose if she is going to obey the rule or not... .and you can see how she chooses most of the time, and it isn't pretty.

For example, one thing she does is call and text constantly and abusively at work. It upsets you. It distracts you from your job. She demands you leave your job. If you capitulate, you are likely to do worse at your job, not get a promotion/raise, or possibly get fired.

What can you do? I'd suggest you block or mute her on your phone while you are at work, so you can work undisturbed for the remainder of the day. Tell her (once!) "I need to work. I'll block you if you keep calling and texting." Then do it.

[FiveForFighting]

Q: What boundary are you talking about enforcing, FFF? It isn't clear to me at all.

I suppose the boundary I was attempting to share was, and if I could place into your format/structure would be: When you attempt to guilt me into coming home from work, I will remain at work until my shift is over, to protect myself from losing my job due to your behavior and inappropriate actions. In other words... .I remained at work my entire shift. I came home and got shelled. She demands that I return home from work when she tells me to because she is more important than my job... .thereby setting me up for the next time she wants me home. This gives her the feeling that is going to be able to manipulate me into coming home on her terms because she has deemed it so. Doesn't matter anyway. I will no longer be working this second job anyway. I am providing my notice tonight. There have been too many problems at home and it is overwhelming her. I have so much to do.

[Grey Kitty]

I'd recommend against giving your notice tonight, if you haven't already.

She is like a black hole. Demanding that you make sacrifices to make her happy. And nothing will be enough, at least not in that way.

She can and will find another way to be unhappy, another way to blame you, another way to attack you, and another way to guilt you.

Maybe working this second job is the wrong thing for you--I don't know that. But I am pretty sure that quitting for this reason isn't going to improve your life.

[Grey Kitty]

I suppose the boundary I was attempting to share was, and if I could place into your format/structure would be: When you attempt to guilt me into coming home from work, I will remain at work until my shift is over, to protect myself from losing my job due to your behavior and inappropriate actions. In other words... .I remained at work my entire shift. I came home and got shelled. She demands that I return home from work when she tells me to because she is more important than my job... .

Can I refine that boundary and your language around it?

She is distracting you and trying to manipulating you at work.

The way you protect yourself is not communicating with her at work. If you can turn your phone off while you are there, that would be a great way to enforce the boundary.

When you come home, there is a second thing you need to protect yourself from--abuse and criticism at home. You are letting her define the "problem" in a form kinda like "heads, I win; tails, you lose"

Telling you that she is more important than your job... .or telling you that you aren't acting that way isn't fighting fair or negotiating reasonably. And if you engage her at that level, you are going to lose.

The only thing you can do to protect yourself is to refuse to engage in this fight with her.

[MaybeSo]

At that moment in time, you DID chose your job over her.  Lots of adults would make the same reasonable decision to not leave work unless there is a true emergency or illness or something of that nature. I would validate that and not try to JADE it or get out of it or sugar coat it or defend it.   You are trying too hard to manage her and avoid her wrath and her disapproval.  Probably because it feels so bad... .but you will have to learn to be less affected by  her disapproval.  This can be learned.

This sounds like a boundary to me.  Something along the lines of

I don't leave work unless there's an emergency or illness that I feel requires my immediate attention.

Don't try to wiggle out out of it.  That is your boundary.  Let her know it's your boundary.

If she feels bad about your choosing work over her in that instance, she can feel bad about it.  It is her right to feel whatever she wants to feel. When people have limits and boundaries, it can feel bad to others who would like to tear those boundaries down.  It feels bad to not be able to get your way all the time.  But it's is a responsibility of adulthood to have boundaries and to defend them, even if others don't like it.   If you try to manage her or her feelings about it... .you will stay mired in a sticky, codependent relationship with her.  And she learns she can throw a fit and you cave.  She will not like your being a person who is not caving to her and merging with her all the time.  But it needs to happen for you both to be healthy.  Merger like you are describing is not healthy.

If she extrapolates your boundary into a universal truth (which she most certainly will)... .that you don't care about her and she is never a priority at all and you don't love her... .you can validate how painful it would be to feel that way (that would be a painful feeling to have, this is probably a echo from her past)  while reassuring her that you do care and she is a priority in your life.

You can repeat your boundary. You can end a conversation that has gone on long enough. You can hang up a phone. You can turn a phone off.  You can take a walk.  You can tell someone you need a break and will discuss something with then later when you are more rested.  You are a person.  you get to have boundaries.  You MUST have boundaries.  They keep you and those around you safe.

I don't leave work unless there's an emergency or illness that requires my immediate attention.

This is the kind of boundary setting that would have to happen over and over again to change the dynamics of your relationship.

You would have to learn to hold onto yourself and your anxiety in doing this new thing of setting a boundary for yourself and being clear with her about it. She won't like it. If you cannot tolerate her not liking or not being a fan of your decisions, you will never have adult boundaries for yourself.    It will feel very disturbing to you to do this.  So the real work here will be to learn to hang onto yourself and your own anxiety while making this change.  A therapist would be helpful to assist you and support you in this endeavor of learning to have boundaries. 

I'm not sure what happened prior to work or while at work that caused her to feel the need to have your immediate attention.  Did something happen?  Could it have been attended to prior to work?  Not sure what led up to this... .

Peace to you.   

[formflier]

A therapist would be helpful to assist you and support you in this endeavor of learning to have boundaries. 

I got my first lessons in boundaries from these boards.  Pretty simple stuff like I get to have privacy with my emails... .

As I progressed with boundaries and have been blessed with wonderful Ts, they have helped me to clarify what I was really after, what I was really trying to protect.  They helped me figure out if some things were "worth it".

A very important piece for me was to focus on staying friendly but firm.  (still a work in progress) 

Last, the point about managing my own emotions and anxieties around boundary enforcement have been key.

FF