I ruined my uBPD Dad's relationship with his mother?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All - Long time reader.

I have set strict boundaries with my dad in recent years (unhealthy for me to have more contact). He called me last week in tears that I had hosted a birthday party for my daughter in a town 12 hours from our home without inviting him (near him). That was incorrect - The party was in our current town since you know... .you generally invite your kid's friends to their party. I did not invite him as he hasn't visited us in the three years we have lived here. During this manic conversation, he blamed me for his lack of relationship with his mother for several years. He claims I told her he was bipolar (diagnosed several years ago as a requirement for an inpatient program), she shared this with a mutual contact of theirs and it got back to him. As punishment, he doesn't speak to his mother. She is elderly (I actually thought his tearful voicemail was related to her death). My grandfather is the one who mistakenly gave my dad the birthday information (hence the segway to his mother).

My dilemma - Do I leave this alone or try to rectify? Will I feel immense guilt when she does pass and he is boo-hooing at the funeral over his dear mother? My instinct is to just maintain the relationship I have with his mother whom I love dearly and speak to regularly. He also told me to never contact him again at the end of this conversation because I have not done enough to foster a relationship between him and my children. I have offered for him to come visit many times, asked him to call, write, send a carrier pigeon and he has made zero effort b/c I've not made an effort.

My thoughts are all over the place with this (100 posts I could write) and I'm truly lost as his daughter. We've had several years of little to no contact over the past decade but I think this might be the final no contact straw.

[CarolinaGirl]

Hi All - Long time reader.

I have set strict boundaries with my dad in recent years (unhealthy for me to have more contact). He called me last week in tears that I had hosted a birthday party for my daughter in a town 12 hours from our home without inviting him (near him). That was incorrect - The party was in our current town since you know... .you generally invite your kid's friends to their party. I did not invite him as he hasn't visited us in the three years we have lived here. During this manic conversation, he blamed me for his lack of relationship with his mother for several years. He claims I told her he was bipolar (diagnosed several years ago as a requirement for an inpatient program), she shared this with a mutual contact of theirs and it got back to him. As punishment, he doesn't speak to his mother. She is elderly (I actually thought his tearful voicemail was related to her death). My grandfather is the one who mistakenly gave my dad the birthday information (hence the segway to his mother).

My dilemma - Do I leave this alone or try to rectify? Will I feel immense guilt when she does pass and he is boo-hooing at the funeral over his dear mother? My instinct is to just maintain the relationship I have with his mother whom I love dearly and speak to regularly. He also told me to never contact him again at the end of this conversation because I have not done enough to foster a relationship between him and my children. I have offered for him to come visit many times, asked him to call, write, send a carrier pigeon and he has made zero effort b/c I've not made an effort.

My thoughts are all over the place with this (100 posts I could write) and I'm truly lost as his daughter. We've had several years of little to no contact over the past decade but I think this might be the final no contact straw.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey CarolinaGirl:  

He claims I told her he was bipolar (diagnosed several years ago as a requirement for an inpatient program), she shared this with a mutual contact of theirs and it got back to him.  

What is the truth about how the rumor of bipolar spread? Did his mom learn about it from someone other than you? Did the mutual friend confront your father about bipolar?  Is your father still communicating with the mutual friend? Has anyone apologized for the spread of the bipolar rumor?

Was he actually treated for bipolar?  If not, what was he treated for while at in-patient treatment? Is he currently on meds or receiving therapy?  

Sounds like he is very sensitive about whatever mental issues he has.  I think many people would be irritated, if someone contacted them and told them they heard they had a mental illness.

I have offered for him to come visit many times, asked him to call, write, send a carrier pigeon and he has made zero effort b/c I've not made an effort.  

I'm guessing he will likely have regrets, if he doesn't resume contact with his mom. If his father mistakenly gave him the birthday information, does that mean he speaks with his father, but not his mother?

[P.F.Change]

Hi, CarolinaGirl,

Thanks for your post. I can tell you're hurting and wanting to find the best way forward. It can feel very confusing when a family member has BPD. BiPolar causes similar problems. Do you think your father is taking his BiP medication as prescribed? Does he check in with a therapist or psychiatrist?

If it feels good to maintain the relationship with your grandmother, it seems reasonable to do so. As far as your other question about whether to attempt to rectify the situation with your father--what do you think you have the power to fix? Do you feel you've done something wrong? To me it sounds like your father was having trouble regulating his emotions and lashed out at you. His statements may be based on what he perceives the facts to be rather than what they actually are. For example, he may think you have ruined his relationship with his mother, when in reality he is an adult and his relationship with his mother is his own responsibility to maintain or repair.

It sounds like you have some experience with boundaries already. Learning some validation techniques such as TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth has helped me a great deal in my relationships and in communicating with my parents. It can also really help a lot to have professional support. Do you already have a counselor?

Wishing you peace,

PF