Hello... I'm GINA and my daughter has BPD

[GinaByTheC]

Hello everyone. I have never done this before. It's all new to me. But I definitely need help. I think my daughter developed BPD as a child but We never recognised it as anything more that a highly sensitive child. To be honest, we felt her pain tenfold every time there was a child crisis ( unkind friends or unjust teachers).
Rejection was a common theme for her. Often missing out on invites or opportunities meant we had to deal with the aftermath. Extreme neediness that was sometimes satisfied with material possessions, but the good feeling from receiving same did not last. Despite good achievements, she was never satisfied, but rather than push on, she would lose momentum. The sense of abandonment has pushed her with suicidal ideation, and a few admissions to hospital to contain her (especially if she had signs of psychosis). She's attempted suicide I would say about 3 times. She's also been destructive, at other times.
Family gatherings can be good if she is in the helping frame of mind. They can also be damaging as they highlight a lack in close relationships with others.
She has friends. She will always go to their house, she sees emersion in others lives necessary to fill her temporary emptiness.
She is close with us, and then distant, often seeing us as the perpetrator of her distress.
We can sometimes rationalise her behaviour ( we have felt like this from time to time) but then, on reflection, her behaviour was extreme and her anger escalated too quickly.
Her diagnosis of BPD was once owned by her. She read books and began some DBT. More recently, she denies the diagnosis. The problem is transferred onto us and the way we spoke, or our body language. She quickly reprimands us and we retreat. We are tip toe-ing around "trying not to provoke her" but it is inevitable. She wants the argument, where she ends up being the victim.
Eventually - she leaves us. She abandons us.
Festive occasions with all the bombardment of "happy family images" all over social media, are a huge challenge for her. Anticipating her implosion, we enter all festive occasions with trepidation.
We have seen a pattern of behaviour, but we feel powerless to stop the cycle from occurring and re-occurring.
I sometimes think that maybe I have BPD too, but I have never been diagnosed. The lead up and outcome of our daughter's behaviour has created great stress within our marriage. There is also some disharmony between our other children.
We would like to minimise the frequency of these outbursts, and I fact create a supportive environment to help our daughter.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[drained1996]

We are glad you found us, but sorry you are having to deal with the circumstances that bring you here.  You've found a place full of understanding people as many here have or are dealing with similar circumstances.  Take a look around at the stories of others and you will see that you are indeed not alone in your struggles. 
One thing many of us have learned is that we cannot change our person with BPD, but we can change how we react to and communicate with them.  In the upper right margin of this page there are tools and lessons to help guide us in doing exactly that. 
Have you all thought to seek out a therapist to help guide you in this journey? 
You've found a great place for knowledge, understanding and sharing.  Feel free to post any questions, thoughts or feelings anytime.  We are here.   

[PeaceHealth]

Hello Gina,  This is my first post as well and I can empathize with your family's struggle because my family has one of its own-paralleling closely the storyline that you have provided.  Our 25 year old daughter is scheduled to be admitted into a BPD residential treatment program at the Hill Center for Women at McLean Hospital in Massachusetts, USA later this week.  I am nervous because she is very manipulative of my husband, who is her current caregiver. ( I have had to leave our home due to the overly volatile environment our daughter dictates on and off.  Sometimes she is sweet and reasonable.  Other times, when she does not get her way, she flies off the handle and blames us for whatever 'injustice' has befallen her.)  I am afraid she will find some way to go back on her decision to go to this highly recommended residential program for BPD and that either he will not be successful in getting her there or that once she's there she will find a way to leave because she doesn't like the structure it will surely demand of her.  (I have no basis for this worry other than past experience and the disappointments that go along with it). My husband tends to be less firm in setting the limits she so needs so desperately, in my opinion.  He allows her to disrespect him.  He gives her money to make her life easier-to me he is only making her progress less attainable.  He drives her places when she has wrecked 3 different cars.  When I point out the problem with not letting her own the consequences of her actions, he either tries to ignore me, insists that he agrees with me, or says I am wrong and that he has everything under control.  I am so frustrated.  I love him but I can't live in the same house with my daughter because she is so volatile and unpredictable.  It's driving my husband and I apart.  I totally get the constant stress you're under at Holidays.  Family members have all but given up on her ever showing up for any.  So sad.  Her sister can't stand to be around her. We spent Christmas away from home and all of our relatives so that we could have some peace.  (She was invited but since she and her sister don't get along she decided not to come, which is why her sister suggested this alternative to Christmas at home). I just want some control over my life-not have my daughter dictate it anymore.  I hope this program starts her on a progressive path. I want my life back. Please reply if you want to chat further about our situations.  I didn't mean to take up the thread with all my problems-just wanted you to see that you are not alone in your struggles.