Divorcing a BPD

[Marc33]

I am in the middle of a divorce with my wife who has BPD. 
We have our first court date on Jan 18th.  I am nervous of what she is going to say and that she is going to be able to convince the courts that she is a good parent.
Can anyone help me with these issues?
Thank you.

[livednlearned]

Oof, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's tough -- lots of us have been in your shoes.

What's the court date about?

Any kids involved? How long was the marriage?

Are the two of you representing yourselves?

LnL

[Marc33]

1) I am actually not sure yet what the first court date is all about, I have to meet with my lawyer this coming week to discuss it. (She also has a lawyer)
2) We have been married 15 years.
3) We have 4 girls, ages 14, 13, 11 and 9. 

The main concern that I am having now is that she has the ability to be VERY convincing and passionate about her "mothering".  I have sued for custody as she is a very unhealthy person and I am afraid that if the girls grow up in her house they will also become unhealthy like her.  And the truth is that my two older ones already are showing signs of emotional issues. 
I don't know if this forum can give specifics of what to do about it in court and honestly I have a great lawyer who understands BPD very well so I guess that just hearing other people's experiences could help me.

Thank you

[david]

Communication with your lawyer is important. Find out what your attorney needs to accomplish your goals and make sure you have it all documented. Evidence presented in court holds more weight than verbal testimony. Evidence must be presented in court and it is a procedure. You need three copies, it gets presented, it gets numbered, etc.

[livednlearned]

I am actually not sure yet what the first court date is all about, I have to meet with my lawyer this coming week to discuss it.

It's probably a technicality of some sort, would be my guess. Where the lawyers do a bit of theater with the judge, and maybe some posturing to each other, also showing their clients that they are advocating well on their behalf.

At my first few court appearances, the lawyers did all the talking.

Try to not take things personally -- lawyers are ethically bound to represent their clients. The other lawyer will appear to be bamboozled (and might be), saying nasty things about you. If your wife is very difficult and dysregulated, it's possible that she may fire her lawyer (common here... .) or the lawyer will withdraw from the case.

Our cases take a while. We often say here that this is a marathon, not a sprint.

In my case, and many others here, it takes a while for the court to see clearly our BPD ex spouse's pattern of non-compliance and difficulty. My ex is a former trial lawyer and had a full-blown psychotic episode in court. No matter how high-functioning in real life, these cases can be very dysregulating for someone with BPD and the anxiety about being seen under the court's microscope can cause a lot of distress, including psychosis.

Great that you have a lawyer who understands BPD. Mine did too. I still think it helps to check in with people here because there's a lot of collective wisdom and good insights, if only to help calm your nerves and help interpret what is going on (without paying your L for hand-holding, which is expensive!).

You mention your goal is custody. How much? Full legal and physical custody? What visitation schedule are you going for?

Has your L suggested a strategy? If so, what is it?

What kind of tactics have been proposed? Your L may not discuss this with you, but it's good to know. Being informed makes you a better advocate for yourself, especially if there are times you aren't certain the tactics are the right ones for your situation.

This board is a great peanut gallery to help cheer you on and point out where there are leaks in the plan that you might want to tend to. 

LnL

[Marc33]

You asked a lot of good questions at the end about custody etc.  An important factor here is that I live in Israel and the laws and proceedings are different than in America.  The questions are all still valid but the way things work is a little different. 
1) There is ALWAYS joint legal custody here but how the time is split up is the difference. 
2) The details of visitations have not really been emphasized because that will be worked out later, right now the emphasis is on getting the main custody.
3) Something that has been very interesting in my situation is that up until the point that I filed for divorce my wife was very disfunctional in the home and with the kids.  I had the lion's share of the house work while being the only breadwinner in the home.  I was working like a dog to keep the house functioning, help the kids and hold down a job.  The second that I filed she all of a sudden started cleaning up, doing dishes, cooking, laundry and taking care of the kids.  On one hand it has been a big relief for me not to have to do everything but on the other hand it makes me nervous that she is going to show this to the court and prove that she is a functional person.  And to be truly honest, it makes me unsure if I have made the right decision.  Maybe she can take care of the kids?  Maybe she will be a good mother?  This dilemma bothers me a lot and I am struggling with it. 
I know that she is not a healthy, happy person and she is not going to be able to help my kids grow up to be happy.  But she is their mother and they do have a connection with her so it scares me to try to pull them away from her.  I am truly confused about this issue.
This is what keeps me up at night at this point.