mother had BPD

[martin1974]

Sorry first post please bear with me.
I grew up with a mother that was very very violent and could twist people from social workers to police around her little finger.
She had a tough upbringing and married very young.
She then had 7 children with only a year between each of them. my father left her when i was five and she was left to rear us on her own. everone always said that she was a great woman for doing this but as we believed at the time they didn't know the abuse and hurt and terror that went on behind closed doors.
We were badly beaten from first thing in the morning till last thing at night for ANY reason she thought of. Then at night she would come to our rooms and kiss and try to hugs us and make us laugh so she could feel better about herself then she would go to the living room and feed her fat head with cola and sweets.
we were put in care and in foster homes but she always took us back till she would turn again.
when we got to our teenage years she could break sweeping brushes off us and we wouldn't blink, she would pull hair from our head and we wouldn't blink (but my god the hate we felt inside and the rage ) so she would start slapping her own face and scrapping her face and pull her own hair.
she finaly just packed up the family home and moved to another county and moved in with a man leaving me to care for my two youngest siblings and my other siblings in and  of jail for drug dealing and violent crimes .
She left that guy for another and then another and then another e.t.c
She was told she had cancer and it was like she had gotten her wish to finally get all the attention she craved.
She died some years later leaving behind a family of confused people trying to make it in life.
I married to a beautiful woman and have two children but i have also children from other women who i ruined in the process.
I work and always have done and i keep busy , but inside the hurt is unbearable at times. I had an affair a few years with a woman with BPD and my whole personality changed when i was with her, I fxxking terrorized her from day one from roaring and shouting to verbally abusing her and even tho i wanted to hit her thank god i never did. i was drawn to this woman like you wouldn't believe. she abandoned her husband and kids years earlier and blamed everyone but her self . I just couldnt tear away from her . my wife knew about the affair and  after i talked her into it she agreed to let me keep seeing this woman (she never knew about the rage and abuse i was inflicting ) .  Things ended very badly with this woman causing her to try and take her own life but she had done this before. i patched things up with my wife and we moved on with our lifes. two years later this woman contacts me again and im drawn to her like a magnet . im craving the drama and want so much to just see and fight with this woman , i hate feeling this way but there is just something that snaps when i hear from her. i am very worried that i may have picked up some of my mothers habbits and i went to a councilor one time but shocked her so much that she asked me not to come again and to maybe so someone about anger issues. im not a bad person ,just  someone in their 40s that wants to understand why i feel the way i do and how to just forgive and move on. thanks for reading   

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Martin1974:  
I'm so very sorry about you painful upbringing and what you went through with your BPD mom.  I can't imagine the degree of pain you suffered and still deal with today.

Inside, the hurt is unbearable at times. I had an affair a few years with a woman with BPD and my whole personality changed when I was with her, I fxxking terrorized her from day one from roaring and shouting to verbally abusing her and even tho I wanted to hit her, thank god I never did.

Two years later this woman contacts me again and I'm drawn to her like a magnet . I'm craving the drama and want so much to just see and fight with this woman , I hate feeling this way but there is just something that snaps when I hear from her.    

How are your interactions with your wife?  Is verbal abuse an issue with her as well, or is it just when interacting with someone with BPD or BPD traits?

When you crave drama, have you tried dealing with that craving in some healthy way?  The best way to change a bad behavior/habit, it to replace it with a new one that is healthy.

This article on ways to, "Improve the Moment", might be helpful.:
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/improve_the_moment_worksheet.html

I am very worried that I may have picked up some of my mothers habits and I went to a councilor one time but shocked her so much that she asked me not to come again and to maybe see someone about anger issues.    

I'm wondering if the person you saw was a licensed therapist?  Sounds like she didn't handle the situation in a professional manner.  Some therapists have their own painful pasts, so some situations might be triggering for them personally.

How about giving therapy another try?  Your first therapist wasn't a good fit.  A therapist experienced with BPD, would likely be a better choice.  

Some of the information at the links below, might help you deal with your anger:

ANGER & HEALING
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=75098.0

ANGER MANAGEMENT
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124720.0

I'm not a bad person just  someone in their 40's that wants to understand why I feel the way I do and how to just forgive and move on.  

 
The process of forgiving can be difficult.  You might find the book and links below helpful:

BOOK:
HOW TO FORGIVE WHEN YOU CAN'T

Links to Info. on Forgiveness:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=58084.0

www.drwendywalsh.com/blog/2015/08/the-art-of-forgiveness/

[martin1974]

hi and thanks for your reply

things with my wife are great i know i love her even tho i need to remind myself of that sometimes. I never verbally or abuse her in any way , i have never wanted to. the other woman who had BPD was different i just wanted her to hurt and couldn't care how much.

as funny as this sounds i never reliased i craved drama until this woman contacted me again and i had to find out why she sparked something in me that i dont want to show. I gave up drinking years ago due to feeling sorry for myself while drunk , i dont smoke and never use drugs. i also work full time and am involved in running a martial arts gym 5 nights a week so i am always busy.


Forgiving is a long way off for me to be honest. i suffer nightmares no self confidence and hate people not liking me even if there are in the wrong

My mind goes into overtime and then there is no sleep .

sorry for rambling

[martin1974]

I would also like to add , my older brother and sister left  home early due to my mother and left me holding down things.
 i was the one who would take the beatings so my younger siblings didnt have to.
 i was living rough at the age of 13 and it was constant being thrown out and allowed to return when she allowed it.
relations would never take us in for the fear of her arriving at their door and accusing them of interfering.

from then on everytime my mother would lay eyes on me it was a red rag to a bull, she would pick on me till i fought back and then pretend to get upset so every one saw how bad i was.  
she would make me feel so down and worthless that i hated my life.

i know she was sick but i never deserved this , i never did anything to her or anyone to have this on me .

lots of people will still tell me how bad she had it and how great she was for rearing us but i know the real monster she was.
 when she died i stood over her body and told her that i would never forgive her or forget what she did i also told her how much hate i have for her and always will have.

i know its not healthy and i dont want this .
BPD is a unforgiving sickness but people with BPD dont seem to  care if they are forgiven or not.
 rant over

[drained1996]

Hi Martin1974,

Naughty Nibbler has given you some great information already, I'll just point out the lessons and the survivors guide to the right of this page as well.  

I too would like to point out that your experience with that therapist sounds like you might want to try another as Naughty suggests.  I know I went to several before I found one I was comfortable with and had personality disorder experience.  Many here have found having a professional to help guide you through this process to be worth their weight in gold.  I know I have!

Commend yourself for being strong enough to reach out for knowledge and support.  It takes strength to admit your weaknesses, and that's a great beginning on the path of healing.  You've found the right place.  We are here!  

As for your rant... .I get it... .I've had my fair share of anger as have many others.  It's ok to share here... .it's safe... .

[Naughty Nibbler]

  Things with my wife are great,  I know I love her even tho I need to remind myself of that sometimes. I never verbally or abuse her in any way , i have never wanted to. 

I'm glad things are great with your wife and that you don't abuse her in any way.

The other woman who had BPD was different, I just wanted her to hurt and couldn't care how much. As funny as this sounds i never realized I craved drama until this woman contacted me again and I had to find out why she sparked something in me that i dont want to show. I gave up drinking years ago due to feeling sorry for myself while drunk , i dont smoke and never use drugs. i also work full time and am involved in running a martial arts gym 5 nights a week so i am always busy.

Is the affair with the BPD woman still ongoing?

Do you think that by verbally abusing the woman with BPD (with the extreme drama), it presented a situation where you relived prior encounters with your mom?  Did you feel in some way that you were getting back at your mom? Did engaging in verbal abuse give you comfort in some way?

Forgiving is a long way off for me to be honest. i suffer nightmares no self confidence and hate people not liking me even if there are in the wrong

Working through the trauma of an abusive childhood can be similar to going through the grieving process for the death of a loved one.  If you look to the upper right of this post, there are links to information about steps to process the trauma of childhood abuse.  Check it out and take it a step at a time.

   
My mind goes into overtime and then there is no sleep

Have you tired using mindfulness exercises or some form of meditation to quiet your mind?

[martin1974]

hi again and many thanks for your advise.

no the affair is not still going on and my wife was informed about the contact being made i am trying to be honest with my wife 100percent be feel like a pussy at times.

The other woman encounter has definitely made me relive memories but it has also made me face that im not doing as good as i can. I know i can never get back at my mother but a sorry would have been nice to get but i will never get that now

 i have a great life , one i would dreamed of when i was younger , i have two wonderful daughters who i never raise my voice to and who i would protect with my life .

i will see a councilor again after xmass .
there was so much hurt and pain caused to me in my life and i do know i need to deal with it but i really am just starting to understand this

 

[Naughty Nibbler]

My older brother and sister left  home early due to my mother and left me holding down things.  I was the one who would take the beatings, so my younger siblings didn't have to.  I was living rough at the age of 13 and it was constant being thrown out and allowed to return when she allowed it.
 

I'm so sorry     It is common that one child in the family is  SPLIT black.  That's horrible that no relatives stepped in to help out.  You must have felt terribly alone. 

How are your relationships with your siblings?  Are any of them struggling with the aftermath of lesser abuse, or perhaps dealing with some form of mental illness?

She would make me feel so down and worthless that I hated my life.  I know she was sick, but I never deserved this, I never did anything to her or anyone to have this on me .

Lots of people will still tell me how bad she had it and how great she was for rearing us, but I know the real monster she was. When she died, I stood over her body and told her that I would never forgive her or forget what she did. I also told her how much hate I have for her and always will have.
   

It makes it difficult, when others don't see who the person with BPD really is.  Many people have posted about how the person with BPD appears as a normal person to many people outside of the home.  It is very distressing, that others have no idea what happens behind closed doors, or that they do and choose not to help.

Forgiving is not for the other person.  It is for you.  When you can reach the point of forgiveness, you can find it liberating.  Forgiveness doesn't permanently stick for some, and they have to revisit the process of forgiving. 

The best revenge for you is to get rid of the torment from your past, and to enjoy and live the best life you can.  You own the rest of your life.  You can't change the past, but you can change your future.

Sometimes, we need to rewrite the scripts in our head.  You might find the link below helpful:
MEMORY MGMT. - RUMINATIONS

[Naughty Nibbler]

i will see a councilor again after xmass .
there was so much hurt and pain caused to me in my life and i do know i need to deal with it but i really am just starting to understand this

   Good to hear.  You will find that reaching out here, while in therapy, can be helpful.  There is a lot of collective experiences to draw upon here.  It can be a real asset for you to discuss things here.   

[martin1974]

my relationship with my siblings is nearly hardly any.
 they go to each others christenings and birthdays but i dont really go to be honest.
i was always pointed out in our family as being the odd .
my siblings all have their own battles from drugs and alcohol to depression. they married people a lot like my mother and settled down. none of them work they at sometime or other have lived with me.

this is the bit that really hurts ,,, i was the one who stepped in when we were hurt . i was the one that took them in when they had no where to go.  but they seem to idolize each other for having being drug dealers and alchos and being in prison .

i know that are just coping also but its funny how when you help you are excluded,
one time my mother was behind me her nails were inside the skin of my neck and she was tearing me , i pushed back my elbow causing it to knock her and when i turned around i saw her on the ground.
my three brothers jumped me from behind and after beating me up helped my mother throw me out of the house. a friend of mine broth me to her mothers house where i was allowed to stay for a few days.  

so being painted black believe it or not was more hurtful than a lot of the beatings and abuse.

i know i am ranting a lot here but im so mad at the moment because i know im a good person i just need to feel like i could l really like myself .

[Naughty Nibbler]

My siblings all have their own battles, from drugs and alcohol to depression. They married people a lot like my mother and settled down. None of them work, and they at sometime or other have lived with me.       

BPD can be caused by genetics, environment or a combination of both.  You won't likely get any validation from siblings with substance abuse problems and/or mental illness.

I hear you saying that you have made some good choices in your life and have some things to be thankful for:  Your wife (not BPD), 2 lovely daughters, you don't currently have substance abuse problems and you are self-supporting 

I know I am ranting a lot here but I'm so mad at the moment because I know I'm a good person I just need to feel like I could really like myself

One option when you lack validation from others, is to learn to validate yourself.  The exercises at the link below can be helpful.

https://www.nvpsychology.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/Self-Validation-Skills-2013-Fruzzetti.pdf

[drained1996]

I know I'm a good person I just need to feel like I could really like myself

I know what that feels like.  I also knew I was a good person, but it rarely got validated by my parents/siblings... .if I was to receive a little, it was quickly destroyed by my mother 10 fold.  It even continues today... .at age 44, and I've accepted the fact it will continue until she is no longer on this earth.  Nothing I can do will ever be good enough for her or anyone in my immediate family and I can't change that.  That's no longer my issue... .it's hers and theirs... .

You've already begun your journey into working on you and loving you, and the fact you see that is needed is great!  Keep on the path and we will be here by your side.   

Nibbler's link to some hints on self validation will be very helpful for you I believe. 

[HappyChappy]

Hi Martin,

I’m so sorry to hear about how your mother treated you all. That is absolutely an appalling way to treat anyone. You are right to say you didn’t deserve that treatment, no one does, but you do deserve support. I’m so glad you’ve landed here.

this is the bit that really hurts ,,, i was the one who stepped in when we were hurt . i was the one that took them in when they had no where to go.  but they seem to idolize each other for having being drug dealers and alchos and being in prison .

This was a sticking point for me too. I was the scapegoat (as you sounded to be) so I also took the beatings on behalf of siblings. You might want to read up on triangulation, because your siblings would have been trained to see you as the scapegoat, it took the heat off them. Hence why they may not show the appreciation for what you did. Maybe your siblings weren’t as strong as you so struggled to help themselves let alone have time for you. But be proud of yourself what you did. It also sounds like you are doing a lot better than many of your siblings.

I agreed that being  painted black is worse than the bruises. But never forget, you were black only in the artificial setting, your BPD mother created. She’s gone and so is that setting.  OK your sibilings may still be trapped in that dynamic, but you don’t have to be. So now you need to work on your healing. Issues with your siblings can wait, they may come around, they may not. But you have a great immediate family. Focus on that.

Your account of how a BPD trigger aggression, sounds like you may have Developmental PTSD, in that it sounds like she triggered you badly.  My NPD bro also has Sadistic Personality Disorder, so he enjoys inflicting pain. I learnt that if I escalated the aggression higher than he did, he would back down. Because he had fear, like most bullies. I later read, that escalating higher, is the only protection you have against someone with a PD, in cases where you can not avoid or flee. So maybe this explains your triggering reaction to the BPD woman you mentioned. Also as children of BPD we are drawn to drama, as that was our childhood. But I have use the escalation technique to face off a number of dangerous encounters, but I’ve never had to throw a fist, it’s all verbal. If someone called my bluff I’d been stuffed, because I’m a pacifist.

Any human being would  hold a lot of anger had they had our upbringings. The fact that we haven’t picked up drug habits and have kept in employment is a huge achievement. But the minute I plugged into Therapy, is the minute I started healing at a speed I could notice. Don’t do this on your own, you will need support. Support from this board, from a Therapist. I look forward to seeing more of your posts.
 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Martin1974! 

I want to join all the others in welcoming you here! Thank you for being brave and courageous to share your story and your pain with us. It has been healing for so many to come to a place where you are not alone in your struggles and where you can be free to share how you feel and not be judged. 

I am very sorry for all that you went through, especially for the small child you were who was treated so wrongly. How strong is the protectiveness in you  that you cared for your young siblings and watched out for them in spite of how your uBPDm treated you. You have a lot of resilience, I can see that from how you survived.

When you look for a possible T to go and see, ask if they're familiar with BPD. My licensed T has been ever so helpful to me, and he has helped to unlock so many of those mysteries that I've been unable to grasp on my own. As HappyChappy said, ":)on't do this on your own." We are all here for you and with you, and the extra step of a T who fits well with you can be such a great asset.

In another thread, Rebecca333 mentioned the following which rings so true to me:

I do feel after years of therapy that the most severe abuse she inflicted was emotional.  She damaged my ability to trust myself, to believe in my goodness, and to let the love of good people, safe people, into my heart. 

I too was physically, emotionally and verbally abused by my uBPDm, and I struggle so much more with the emotional scars than any physical scars. Sometimes I wonder that others cannot look at me and see the inner drama that takes place. You sound as if you are in a similar place.

Please keep us updated on how you are doing.
 
Wools

[Turkish]

I didn't deal with the level of dysfunction it sounds like you did,  but the last time my mother slapped me when I was 17, on the cusp of moving out. I raised my hand to smack her back. I didn't do it,  and she said,  my hand raised,  "what,  are you font to hit your mother?" Disgusted, I walked away.  I graduated high school at 17. That summer sucked.  But I read rarely home other than to sleep.  In the middle of fall,  I moved out on my 18th birthday. 

When I was 15, my mother was doing the face slapping thing,  which I can remember going back to being 4 (my youngest is 4, the other almost 7, and I cringe about thinking treating them as my mother did me at similar ages). My mom went to slap me.  I grabbed her wrist.  She went to slap me with her other hand and I grabbed that wrist. Then she kicked me,  which in my state is child abuse.  Then again,  if I were a romantic partner and I'd done that,  I'd be on jail. 

I let her go after kicked me and team down the porch steps,  dodging am emergency light she threw at me.  In the '80s, it was the one with 4 or 6 D cells, two halogen lights and the florescent one.  A heavy light.  She screamed when it broke on the ground because I dodged it. I didn't return to the home until six hours later. 

My point is that being the subject of such physical and emotional abuse. it's hard to see clearly,  even in retrospect. Around the same period,  I had a fugue blackout. What my mom called a seizure. My brain shut down and I fell to the ground. 

That your brothers attacked you was something they owned.  They saw what they saw,  based upon their disordered view of things.  Again,  I'm not judging what you did as right or wrong (especially given that you didn't remember it). But what I'm saying is that being a target of such abuse can result in responses that are natural.

[martin1974]

Thank you all for the relys.
I do know I have a long jorney to go and I sure everyone understands that just posting on here helps.
There has been no pity or judgement just shrink and advice .
Lot of memories come floading back and it like a whirlwind in my head now .
Finally people are hearing what I'm saying and I don't want to stop telling tales about her.
The abuse was both physical and mental . The physical  was so bad from full Forse punches to the head and face (even worse if you dare ed to block them) she went to punch me in the face one time and I ducked , causing her to hit the wall breaking her fingers and after blaming me for her broken fingers she got her pity from everyone and threw me out on the street again.
I wet the bed nearly every night till I was about 11 and when she would be in her bad form she would grab us by the back of our hair tightly and push our faces into the wet sheets and hold us there. Then she would open the bedroom window  and shout out to other children that we wet the bed .
I was fostered to a family at age 11 as she had a breakdown and this wast the first time in my life that I knew not every child's parents hit them .

[Woolspinner2000]

Keep sharing these memories with us, Martin. It is the flood of memories coming loose, the dam finally cracking and it's coming out. Did you take time to read steps #1 & 2 on the right under the Survivors Guide? If you click on them they drop down into a couple of paragraphs. Why do I point you there? To help you have a sense of validity in that what you are currently experiencing is normal as you begin to remember.

It totally stinks though, doesn't it? Those initial discoveries and remembering were terrifying for me too, and it shatters the myths we thought we could rely on. Your mom sounds just awful, and I hurt for the pain you had and are having.

Here's something my T shared with me in those beginning sesions that I still cling to which helped me get through so many days and be able to take another step forward:

"Who you are, who God made you to be way down deep inside of you, nothing can inhibit it, even when nothing around you is stable or when all heck breaks lose." You were made for a purpose.

 
Wools

[martin1974]

Victim of child abuse . Memories , pain , hate , feelings , confusion  , all me . Getting help , facing my past , liking myself , loving my wife and kids , all me , forgiving myself also all me. Forgiving her , Not a hope in he'll . And belive me he'll is where she is now . When she was dieing we were at the hospital waiting for her to die. Her brother , my uncle turned to me and said , if it's true that the suffering you do in life will determine the suffering you will go through while you are dieing then your mother is paying for it now. My answer to him was please don't say that because if that's the case we will be stuck in this hospital for years.
I know that sounds harsh but when she left us to fend for ourselfs she moved in with a man who had kids himself and his son met me at my mother's funeral and asked could he greet the moaners . I asked him why and he told me because of the many happy Christmas days and other days he his sister and his dad and my mom spent together. He also told me how he also was allowed to call her mom and how they had a happy life toll she fell out with thier dad and moved in with his brother . I was told this while in a strange house in a strange county with her friends telling me how great she was and how lucky we were to have her . . You couldn't make this up .

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey Martin,

How are you doing today? Has the flood of memories slowed down just a tad? What are you doing for some self care during this time? It is important that you take some time to try and do something you enjoy, to break up the memory unloading your brain is doing now. What types of things do you enjoy that might work for you?

Let us know how you are please.  We are here for you. 

Wools

[martin1974]

hi wool
Had a great week . spent time (real time ) with wife and kids . we went ice skating and while i would usually be the one just watching i put on a pair of skates and had a great time (most of it on my ass) with family . we went to see Santa and put up decorations and girls had their school play.
And most importantly i was fully there enjoying it, sticking out my tongue at my girls trying to make them laugh .My wife would usually be gone off selling raffle tickets around the hall and helping collect money at the door , but this year she stayed in her seat next to me and even tho i never minded her doing her bit i kinda enjoyed her being there .
I have done a lot of research into BPD this week and read a lot of posts from other members.
I would love to offer advise to them but im only trying to sort my head out just yet but hopefully in time i will be able to to help someone the way i am being helped , but as i say that is a bit off yet.
My wife  is the one in a million type that people hear about. She has put up with me for years through the good and bad times and she is there for me this time also .
I explained thing to her about the way i feel and she understands ( to be fair i think she always knew anyway) .
I have also read up about the inner child and while i would usually laugh at things like this i find it very interesting and will do more research.
This week has been amazing the way i am understanding things (not in any way forgiving ) I never knew so many people suffered like we .
Who knows how i will feel tomorrow or next week but im planning on having a great xmass with my wife and kids and in the new year i will get the counseling that i need.

Thanks to all who have reached out and have a happy christmas.

 

[drained1996]

We are all happy for you and proud of you... .it takes strength and courage to acknowledge, face, and share the things you've decided to work through!  We look forward to growing and healing with you.  Enjoy your Christmas!  Keep us updated! 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey Martin,

Good to hear you have had a great week! I'm really glad.  Good job on the self care. It's something crucial I've learned through T. As I've learned: rest, recover, and recreation. All are important. Sometimes (if you happen to be like any of the rest of us), we tend to push through the 'stuff' and want it to be done with, let's get it over with type of attitude. I've found that this journey isn't a McDonald's drive through, and best of all, I've become content in walking through the journey. You would not have caught me saying that the first year or two, but now, it is true, well most of the time true!  Yes, sometimes I still wish I were done with the growing and figuring it out, but then again... .maybe not. It's in the growing that we learn. It's in the healing that we can reach out to others and offer them the same that has been offered to us, things like kindness and gentleness and love. Often it is easy to forget that healing isn't a destination. It's a process.

I want to encourage you to not focus on forgiveness right now. Even that is a process, and rather than fight against what you are not able to offer, let that go and don't worry about it. It's a good thing, yes, but it isn't a one stop shop for us all. There is a whole lot for you to work through, and if you take a look at #5 under the Survivors Guide, you'll find it is important to put the responsibility where it belongs. I'm going to include a quote here for you from an author that I've learned a lot from, Pete Walker, one who has helped me with CPTSD.

There has been a lot of shaming, dangerous and inaccurate "guidance" put out about forgiveness in the last few years, in both the recovery community and in transpersonal circles. Many survivors of dysfunctional families have been injured by the simplistic, black and white advice that decrees that they must embrace a position of being totally and permanently forgiving in order to recover. Unfortunately, those who have taken the advice to forgive abuses that they have not fully grieved, abuses that are still occurring, and/or abuses so heinous they should and could never be forgiven, often find themselves getting nowhere in their recovery process. In fact, the possibility of attaining real feelings of forgiveness is usually lost when there is a premature, cognitive decision to forgive. This is because premature forgiving intentions mimic the defenses of denial and repression. They keep unprocessed feelings of anger and hurt about childhood unfairnesses out of awareness.

Real forgiveness is quite distinct from premature forgiveness. It is almost always a byproduct of effective grieving and no amount of thought, intention or belief can bring it into being without a descension into the feeling realms.

So welcome not only to our site, but also to this adventure of healing! It's a challenge, and I think you are up for it. Keep us informed!

 
Wools

[martin1974]

Christmas  was good tI'll the other woman bumped into my sister and they rowed . The result was me receiving txt from woman giving oug and blaming me also telling me she will contact my wife. I never answered her txt but j was raging and had to really fight the urge t contacg her to fight with her . The pull to fight with this woman is unreal . Gona cut contact with family this year , really couldn't be bothered with them anymore , my weight is also getting out of hand so need to get my ass back into the gym . Feel like I just need to get back in shape and try to get head straight and just block out the world for a while . I really don't think he drama with other woman is finished yet and to be honest I don't really care if she contacts my wife , I won't let her blackmail me again

[Naughty Nibbler]

Christmas  was good tI'll the other woman bumped into my sister and they rowed . The result was me receiving txt from woman giving oug and blaming me also telling me she will contact my wife. I never answered her txt but j was raging and had to really fight the urge t contacg her to fight with her . The pull to fight with this woman is unreal . Gona cut contact with family this year , really couldn't be bothered with them anymore , my weight is also getting out of hand so need to get my ass back into the gym . Feel like I just need to get back in shape and try to get head straight and just block out the world for a while . I really don't think he drama with other woman is finished yet and to be honest I don't really care if she contacts my wife , I won't let her blackmail me again

Hey Martin1974:
Sorry she got back in touch with you.  Good job, by not texting her back.  How about blocking her from your phone?  Since you wife supports you efforts to avoid this woman, how would you feel about discussing the current situation with your wife and perhaps the number could be blocked on your wife's phone, as well as yours.

Good plan to go to the gym.  Most any form of exercise can be helpful.  Keep making good choices.  You can make 2017 a good year, for you and for your wife and children.  Take it a day at a time.

[martin1974]

I already told my wife about the woman contacting me again . As far as blocking her from phones .she would be the type that would call to my wife's place of work . I know I am at fault for drawing her and I will deal with it . It the pull of the drama that gets me. My life is living in the middle of no where (raised in town) my kids Are amazing as is my wife . They Are used to country living and I suppose I am to but there is no drama or thrill and when the demon woman raises her head I'm drawn to her to argue and fight . When I joined this group I felt good that I was starting to understand things but I'm kinda thinking now that maybe there was a reason I bottled it up in the first place . I'm 42 now and prob won't change my feelings of hate towards my mother and family members ( who most of them spent xmass together ) only rang me to tell me about the row .  Don't really know why but I feeling a bit pissed of with the whole thing

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Martin1974:   

Some people can fulfill the need for excitement by participating in some sports.  Can you think of some healthy activity you can add to your life?  A fast car, ATV, skiing, hockey, tractor races?  Can you go to a larger town for some activity on the weekend?

Have you had time to search for a therapist?

[drained1996]

When I joined this group I felt good that I was starting to understand things but I'm kinda thinking now that maybe there was a reason I bottled it up in the first place .

Dealing and healing take time... .it's not an overnight project.  From my experience here, your start has been great and your ability to share has been exceptional.  Like you we have all suffered setbacks in our journey towards where we are going.  Time and effort can heal a lot.  I'm not suggesting you have to forgive... .that's not a necessary requirement... .just Radically Accept:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0

Keep sharing brother... .we are here to walk with you.   

[martin1974]

hey guys.
as far as keeping active  on  weekends i do door work in nearby city and i also run a martial arts club 4 nights a week , on top of that i have a day job working 48 hours a week there so i am kept busy. I was off for two weeks over xmass and just sat around doing nothing . my mind goes into overdrive when i let it . got a good workout done last night and was up at 6am doing another one so i feel a bit better. im not a fittness nut buy any means but i know myself and if i throw myself 100percent into something then i will get my mind off things but the felling just wont leave.
i know im not the only one that suffers here and i respect people who are trying to find help and also give it but its a balls to have this going around and around and around. i wish i had moved away from family and just lost contact with them years ago.
 I go to work , i run a club, i have scraped and  earned  the respect of my peers and familys of kids i teach martial arts to. 
I have never been on welfare .
and my family look down their nose at me.
And now this woman has raised her head again they all are having a great time talking about how bad i messed up. jesus  would they look at their lives and try standing by me like i did for them.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Martin:
I like you Popeye Avatar

People can get addicted to drama, in a similar manner that they get addicted to drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, sex. etc.  It is likely, that the urge to engage in drama, and jump in during an opportunity, is something you will need to manage for the rest of your life.

I was off for two weeks over xmass and just sat around doing nothing . my mind goes into overdrive when i let it  

A strategy used to tame worrying could be helpful. You strategy would be to document your unwanted thoughts, with a plan to capture them, then postpone further thought until an appointed time during the day.  Plan some time towards the end of the day, for perhaps 15-30 minutes.

When you mind goes into overdrive, document the thoughts in some way.  One way, is to use some type of note taking app on your phone. You could even document them by voice recording. Once you write it down, aggressively remove those thoughts from your mind and replace them with some type of mindfulness effort, or just think about something else.  

Over time, the amount of time dedicated daily to reviewing the thoughts, will likely diminish, if you give it a serious effort.  Sometime, it is helpful to review these type of thought while engaging in some physical activity.  Perhaps it would be helpful to have a punching bag set up at home and review your saved thoughts, while having a punching session.  If you used some means on your phone for voice recording, you could put headphones on and have a private listening session for your review time.  After your review session, you can delete the recording or note - you get rid of it.

I go to work , I run a club, I have scraped and  earned  the respect of my peers and familys of kids i teach martial arts to.

My family look down their nose at me.  And now this woman has raised her head again they all are having a great time talking about how bad i messed up. jesus  would they look at their lives and try standing by me like i did for them.  

In families with personality disorders, it is common for a particular member to NOT get validation from their family.  If you don't  RADICAL ACCEPT
 that you can't change your family of origin (FOO), you will be forever tormented.  

You have accomplished a lot, have the respect of your peers and your associates in martial arts.  You are a good provider, husband and father to your children.  That's a lot to be proud of!

Some mindfulness practice could be helpful.  The link below leads to a mind exercise for mindfulness.  It is something we can do for a period of time, during daily activities.  The process can help clean house in a run away mind.

MINDFULNESS EXERCISE - FROM BOOK" HAPPINESS TRAP"
https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/Informal_Mindfulness_Exercises.pdf

Below are excerpts from an article in Psychology on a theory behind drama addiction.  The entire article can be found at:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/obesely-speaking/201411/excessive-attention-seeking-and-drama-addiction

Excessive attention seeking is not a character flaw. It is a brain wiring response to early developmental trauma caused by neglect. The developing brain observes its environment and wires itself accordingly to survive in that world that it presumes will be like those experiences. Newborns are extremely dependent on getting their mother’s attention for survival. The more their needs are neglected during early development the more the child equates getting attention with survival and safety. In turn, the more he or she develops the belief system that it is necessary to go to whatever lengths to get attention.

Brains wired to equate lack of attention as dangerous, naturally respond to it as threat in the amygdala, a subcortical structure, where thinking does not occur.  Now the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), which is like a micromanaging mother, “don’t do this, do that, stop that, go here, don’t go there” can intervene in this, if given the opportunity. But as my friend Greg says, “If a dog had wings, he wouldn’t be a dog.”  The ACC is in the cortical thinking part of the brain, which disengages when the amygdala swings into action. In addition, the ACC needs serotonin to do its micromanaging. There are a number of conceivable problems with that: people who have these types of core issues are often over stressed. Sustained excess stress limits serotonin availability. In addition, hypothalamic remodeling is one of the consequences of neglect. This often means that your hypothalamus is smaller, and has fewer receptors for serotonin and other neurochemicals. Thus, even if your ACC has troopers to dispatch, they may not have anywhere to land and do their work.

The obvious answer is drama gets attention. However, it is more than that. Drama causes the pituitary gland and hypothalamus to secrete endorphins, which are the pain-suppressing and pleasure-inducing compounds, which heroin and other opiates mimic. Hence, drama eases the anxiety of wanting more attention than you are getting. Naturally, since drama uses the same mechanisms in the brain as opiates, people can easily become addicted to drama.  Like any addiction, you build up a tolerance that continuously requires more to get the same neurochemical affect. In the case of drama, then means you need more and more crises to get the same thrill.

There is also another factor. Using drama as a drug feels good so it is rewarding. Reward uses dopamine, the brain’s happy dance drug.  :)opamine works by releasing more dopamine on anticipating getting the reward (the way evolution gets you to want to do what you need to do).  Like all addiction, this begins as a goal-directed behavior in the ventral striatum (I’m turning on the light because I walked into a dark room and want light), which becomes a stimulus response behavior in the dorsal striatum (I am flipping the light switch because every time I walk into a dark room I automatically flip the light switch). Once this train leaves the station, you have your classic attention seeking drama queen.