My BPD ex didn't follow typical patterns?

[FallenOne]

I was in a four year relationship with a girl who's diagnosed with BPD (and bipolar). She's 24 now. She was 20 when we began dating. I have already posted on these message boards about my relationship before, and I don't need to explain my ex's behavior as she reads like a textbook borderline... You all know what they are like and what they do... But I have been asking myself this question a lot lately... Why did she stay with me so long before starting her push/pull breakup cycle?

Between 2012 and 2016 we broke up a few different times, for no longer than a few weeks, but it was me who initiated these few breakups due to her behavior and arguments that escalated way out of proportion... What's confusing to me, is after reading so many stories about this and reading every detail about the disorder, it always seems like they are the ones to do the breaking up... .usually not us. However, after the few times I broke it off with her after a few weeks at most she always contacted me again and wanted to talk and work things out. Each time we got back together, regardless of how badly we argued or how frequently, she never left. Regardless of mistakes I made and poor ways that I handled her behavior, she never left me...

However... In March of 2016 I broke up with her for the 2nd or 3rd time while she was in a psych hospital after the lease on the apartment we had together ended. I was pushed to my limit by her behavior in the months before this and after experiencing living with her, I felt I had to end it...

Anyway, when she was released from the hospital, she tried contacting me a few different times but I resisted... Eventually, three months later, I contacted her because I missed her and was having trouble moving on. Within a few days we were back together. She was seeing a female while we were broken up for 3 months and she immediately cut things off with her to come back to me.

Here is where it gets weird... Ever since this happened, each time she comes back, any time an argument comes up or I make a slight mistake, she leaves again... She stayed with me for over 3 years, but now she has left me 4 times in the past 6 months.

So, what has me confused, is why would she stay with me for so long and endure through so many arguments and highs/lows, but ever since I ended it with her while she was in the hospital, now she constantly leaves at the first sign of any problems?

[vortex of confusion]

So, what has me confused, is why would she stay with me for so long and endure through so many arguments and highs/lows, but ever since I ended it with her while she was in the hospital, now she constantly leaves at the first sign of any problems?

I can relate to that question. I was with ex for 18 years and we had 4 kids together. I have had the same question. Why did it take so long for some of his stuff to come out? In my opinion, it took so long because I was really good at meeting his needs and ignoring my own.

It wasn't until I stopped care taking and started having boundaries that he started with the extreme push/pull. When I got tired and needed more help with the kids and basic household responsibilities, he started acting like I was horrible. There were times when he would go online and answer/post ads.  There were times that I would try to discuss something with him and he would start making gestures that he could fix it all by ending it all. If I would make any kind of attempt to discuss something or solve a problem, he would do stupid stuff that completely distracted me from the issues that I was trying to address.

[Pretty Woman]

Because NOW she knows she has control.

BPD's don't follow a cookie cutter pattern, I mean we are all different and so are our exes. The tumultuous make up, break up patterns are abnormal to begin with. I don't think you even need an official diagnosis to determine this is not a healthy situation.

The more you let her leave and come back the more you become her doormat and she loses complete respect for you. There are no boundaries.

Are you looking to stay or detach from her?

[flourdust]

I was with my BPD ex for about 14 years. Her behavioral problems didn't become intolerable to me until the last few years. What seemed to drive the changes were increasing life stressors (job losses, financial problems, etc.) and her losing other venues for acting out -- particularly work, where she would often stir up trouble by painting coworkers white or black. I think a fair amount of that BPD negative energy got directed into the workplace.

[FallenOne]

I want to detach from her because she has (at times) made my life a living hell... Overall I know it's the best choice for me that she left and has me blocked on all fronts...

So, when you say the answer to this question is because now she has the control, you mean that before, when I was doing the breaking up and calling the shot, I had control which is why she seemed so desperate to stay and work it out?

But once I broke up with her in the hospital, I took away any control that she had? And when I went back to her groveling, I gave all the control back to her? Is that what you mean?

[Hisaccount]

Yes basically, you gave the control back to her.

My ex was not typical either. She was not a cheater. At least not physical. She was not physically abusive. She did great for a lot of years. If I hadn't pushed her to starting her own business we would still be together. The stress was too much.