Anxious, nervous, down ... exhausted by all of it

[ItsVal]

I'm feeling pretty upset with myself, with the situation I'm in, with what my ex is putting me through ... .

I'm anxious about today, I thought I'd be spending new years eve with either one of my last remaining friends or with my mom but because of me not confirming with neither of them they both have other plans. So I guess I'll be spending new years eve alone at home. Not looking forward to it but my fault, my bad.

Yesterday turned out to be a complete hell. Finished installing WiFi for a client around 2:30 PM went home, did some administration. At around 17:15 PM I got up to go over to my brother to return his powertools I borrowed for the job. I get a text but don't read it until I'm in my car and driving. My ex : 'Are you home? I want to come pick up my shoes and spare carkey'. While driving I reply : 'No' Immediately a response : 'Hahaha got in your car fast and gone, idd now you're not! A**hole!'

I get upset and call her while driving to my brothers : You ass you just passed me, I just dropped of the kid at his grandparents (my godchild, her son, and her exes parents live 2 streets from my place), you were home two minutes ago, accusations of lying, accusations of playing games, not hearing a word I try to explain and so on and so forth. The conversation stops and I ask : any more? she replies I have nothing more to say to which I reply me neither. Well end the call then she says. Which I do and hang up.

After returning the powertools I drive back home and get a new text : 'Tomorrow morning D will come pick up the shoes and the key. If you don't return them I'll call the cops on you!'

I am overwhelmed and drive directly to the local policestation. I try to tell my story with the backdrop of the accusations and stuff (too much too tell but in short she accuses me of hacking/tracking/stalking her, of playing mindgames on her and stuff like that, and even claims she started a lawsuit against me for it, all the while I have to try and keep up a project for her bosses, to whom she made me look bad on multiple occasions and is still doing so). the officer convinces me to call her on speaker and let her know her shoes and the key will be at my moms (as agreed upon two weeks ago during her jeoulous rage and confrontational behaviour on our first encounter after 1.5 months of NC). She doesn't pick up the phone so I leave that on her voicemail. Report is filed and I drive home.

New text from her : 'Hahahaha to your brother! yeah right ... .unbelievable!'

I don't respond

Almost an hour later : 'And suddenly no reaction, because for once you realise your life is nothing but lies'

I don't respond

This morning her ex performed a 'drive by' in my street ... .but yeah they have an excuse ... .pick up the kid ... .

DAMN that girl she's ruining me on all points, emotionally, financially and she is not even hearing a single word I say because she states : Every word out of my mouth is a lie and mindgames ... .

Today will suck!

[gotbushels]

Hi ItsVal   

When we're accused of not being able to perform demands of us and behaving as though driven by fear, it can be overwhelming and disempowering. It's alright to feel distressed at these things.

Relationships where people abuse others with things like vulgarities are very difficult to live in. When this happens consistently, it's a strong signal that something is very wrong.

There are a lot of accusations you listed while on the phone to her. Do consider that calling the pwBPD, texting with this person, and ruminating about encounters with them while driving are not necessarily healthy for you. I hope to help by sharing that one of the best things I've done during these times is take a few moments to be mindful. What this means can be as simple as pulling over in a safe place, focus on counting deep breaths, and pay attention to your own feelings. Focus on keeping count of your breaths. I like to aim for 10-20 breaths until I reach the time I set aside. For you that can be anywhere from 5 to 20 minutes. You decide for yourself.

Consider that you don't have to answer texts immediately. I made mistakes like this and almost got into a motor accident. I hope this experience helps you.

It will be a new year, and you're further from this ex pwBPD in your life that you appeared to have ever been. I think the peace that can come from that is worth looking forward to.