Adult Daughter's Behavior

[AVR1962]

I am struggling. I am recently divorced, moved several states away and have been trying to get my small business going and get my life going in my new location. I moved closer to one of my daughters so I could spend more time with her family. The situation, in my eyes, is unfortunate. I know they have been on the road traveling with her husband's job, staying in hotels during the week and then traveling to family to stay the weekends. I knew too the reason they were doing this was so that they could be together and so they could save themselves rent money as they are in debt over their heads right now.

When I arrived here they started staying with me 7-10 days at a time and then would be gone a week. So this has been going on for 4 months now. Problem, to me, is my daughter sleeps in, does not feed her kids breakfast so when they get hungry they go to the cupboard and get out junk to snack on. She is not taking care of herself, she is depressed and on antidepressants. She takes the kids to the park to play and she does interact with the youngest boy playing games. The 3 year old is still nursing and they are not working on potty training although he will tell you that he is doing something. The 3 year old is a sweet little guy and I dearly love him but he has tantrums and the whole family caters to please him and if that means his older brother has to give up a toy to keep his brother happy then that's what happens.

The older boy is being homeschooled but he is just told to do his work. He is not interested so it takes him forever to do one subject. My daughter is not firm with the boys. She tries to reason with them both rather than telling them this is the way is it going to be. She took the older boys' electronic privileges away from him and then he was on them without permission. She saw and said that he could have 1 hour and then the next day he was on and she never said a word.

The boys are very busy and very active. They get into things without asking... .I looked out side one day to see things from my shed on the grass... .they were building a fort. My daughter comes in and asks if it's okay. The younger boy took a stick and tore up my grass seed and then my daughter asked if it was okay. I am just thinking why would she even ask if this is okay? I did tell her that I had things in the shed I didn't think the boys should be playing with and the screens were for the house and could easily be broken.

She is stressed, her husband is stressed. She spends alot of time texting and I think it is her way of having any free time to herself as I feel she is feeling alot is being demanded of her and she is overwhelmed.

I tried to talk to her. My concern was for the older boy not being in school, the younger boys' tantrum and my daughter's stress levels. I told her that I felt the older boys needed more structure, she needed time to herself, they needed their own space and a place that they could all call home... .I felt they were lacking the security a home provides. I told her I felt that they needed to be firmer with discipline and how they were allowing the little boy to dictate. This is the very thing that has been addressed with them by some of her friends and family members on both sides, it's not just me that has concerns. I thought that she might hear it coming from me.

She broke down in tears and they left. I got a text message from her the next day telling me she was disappointed in me not being able to support their parenting and she did not appreciate me critiquing her family. She told me if I could not say supportive things to not say anything at all.

I need to know... .was I wrong to say anything?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[drained1996]

Hi AVR1962,



Sorry you're having to watch your daughter struggle in with her issues, and we all know it's hard to watch and be part of that.  Has she been diagnosed with BPD?  Never the less, there are obviously some issues, and there are tools and lessons on the upper right hand margin of this page that can help you to react to and communicate better in the future.  Many of us have learned that we cannot change them, so it's best for us to learn how to better navigate our own reactions and communications with them.    

[AVR1962]

This daughter has not been diagnosed with BPD, her older sister has and does not accept it... .years of issues with her. I have always considered myself and the daughter I am posting about to have a good relationship but something happened and I am not sure what. Just very strange behavior over the past several years. She was caught up in an emotional affair at one point and was thinking of leaving her husband. She came to stay with us for 3 months and left alot of responsibility to us to help with her child even then. I entered the room one day to see grandson naked standing in the living room window. My daughter followed and saw it too and then she questioned me why I hadn't stopped it. I was floored. I thought all was fine when she left but when she went back home I got this letter from here telling me how I wasn't available to her in her childhood and what a terrible mom I was.

She has a younger sister and she did not like how I was raising her as a teen approaching adulthood and was sending links to Christian rearing for daughters. She didn't like what was on youngest's social media page and expected me to stop it and could not understand my reasoning with her. I told her that her sister was my responsibility and she would be fine.

One Mother's Day she called late and was upset that I had not called her to wish her a happy Mother's day. Again, I was floored. I thought it was the children who were supposed to call the mom and here she is expecting me to call her and upset that I didn't.

All of this is beyond my comprehension.