I need to kick out my narcissist

[anna58]

It is difficult to post here.  My friend/boyfriend narcissist is staying with me and I need him to leave. I have asked him many times; he doesn't leave. I give in. I am so ashamed of myself for giving in. This pattern has repeated itself. I haven't been able to lock him out or throw him out, which is what needs to be done. So, I allow myself to be hurt, instead. By hurt, I mean emotionally and psychically.  I am embarrassed that I allow this to continue.

I met this man 6 years ago in a dating ad online. He moved to my town for the summer and we got involved. He insisted he had nowhere to live and needed to stay with me; he endeared himself to me. I was lonely and excited by the fun and charm. I let him live with me. This has repeated itself. He followed me to the West Coast. Got his own apartment, but as always, tried to weasel into my living with him, or him living with me. 

Then he abandoned me the first chance he got to leave--when he found another woman to attach to and "love" in Europe. Then he returned to me--his only place to stay in the USA--for a one week visit. He has been here 3 months. He has always been distant physically and refusing to say we are in a relationship, despite him leading everyone to believe we were. Even telling a mutual friend that I was his better half and that he loved me. (Things he never said to me.)

This visit, he was distant, and then morphed into attaching to me again, and when it looked desperate that he might have to leave here, he wanted to have sex and reconnect to me. He is very slippery--not telling the whole truth about the woman in Germany, for example. Evading, avoiding.  Probably outright lies, too.

It is scary how mentally ill he is.  He is a sleuth, people think he is so honorable (a vegan who gives to animal welfare organizations, and practiced Buddhist meditation, etc.).

I feel sad and embarrassed.  I'm not sure how to handle this with friends and family. I feel too exposed/vulnerable with them--have I disclosed too much to them?  Yet, I also need support.

Thank you!

[rfriesen]

Hi anna,

I'm sorry to hear you're living such a difficult situation. It sounds very oppressive to have your friend/bf staying with you when you want him out.

Can you tell us a little more about what stops you from getting him to leave? Is it that you ask him and he refuses? And you haven't wanted or been prepared to call the police to have him removed? I can imagine that could be a difficult step to take. What if that's the only way to make him leave?

I feel sad and embarrassed.  I'm not sure how to handle this with friends and family. I feel too exposed/vulnerable with them--have I disclosed too much to them?

Can you say a bit more about this too? What do you mean you feel too exposed/vulnerable with friends and family?

[anna58]

Rfrieson, thank you for asking so many good questions. I didn't see this reply until now!

What keeps me from kicking him out of my apt?  I have asked him to leave on many occasions. I have told him it is hurting me (I have a chronic illness and the stress was making me more sick.). I have gotten angry and told him to leave.

None of this has worked because I haven't reinforced it with a consequence. I haven't been able to make myself lock him out or call the police.  And, he does not listen to my request and my boundary, that I need my apt back.

Then, I make the mistake (and feel ashamed for this), of falling back into our usual relationship; he gets over the storm of feeling abandoned by my asking him to leave.

One time, I told him he couldn't visit unless he had a home to go back to. He set up an airbnb, flew to visit me and then told me he had cancelled the airbnb--he had no place to go back to. He had set up the airbnb just to satisfy my requirement, but it was actually just a manipulation. So icky. Omg.