I would like some thoughts on this

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I had been out of the relationship with my dBPDgf for a little while.  We saw each other at a party about 1 & 1/2 months ago and we started talking.  It was just small talk at first, then when the party was over with, we ended up going back to my place and having sex.  I wanted the relationship to be over because I was tired of dealing with her disorder and all the things that went with it.  And here I am having sex with her again.  Things were going good in the beginning but now I am a nervous wreck.  She started talking about a guy she works with.  I asked her what kind of relationship she has with him and she said it's just a work relationship.  But she knows a lot of personal stuff about him.  I guess the bottom line is that I don't trust her.  And I don't know how to.  She has cheated on me in the past and why I got back with her I don't know.  I feel like I'm just rambling.  Maybe this is just a confession because I feel ashamed for going back.  I just really feel messed up right now. I felt like I was in a good place before we saw each other.  My therapist said that I had made a lot of progress and now it's all gone.   

[WhoMe51]

I had been out of the relationship with my dBPDgf for a little while.  We saw each other at a party about 1 & 1/2 months ago and we started talking.  It was just small talk at first, then when the party was over with, we ended up going back to my place and having sex.  I wanted the relationship to be over because I was tired of dealing with her disorder and all the things that went with it.  And here I am having sex with her again.  Things were going good in the beginning but now I am a nervous wreck.  She started talking about a guy she works with.  I asked her what kind of relationship she has with him and she said it's just a work relationship.  But she knows a lot of personal stuff about him.  I guess the bottom line is that I don't trust her.  And I don't know how to.  She has cheated on me in the past and why I got back with her I don't know.  I feel like I'm just rambling.  Maybe this is just a confession because I feel ashamed for going back.  I just really feel messed up right now. I felt like I was in a good place before we saw each other.  My therapist said that I had made a lot of progress and now it's all gone.   

[ynwa]

Hey whome,

I think your issue and I'm being honest (not mean) is not strictly a BPD issue.  It's not uncommon for a lot of people to reconnect and do what you are doing. And there isn't anything wrong with it. But if you didn't establish ground rules or realize you weren't over the relationship, you are still thinking of her in those terms.

Don't feel ashamed.  Don't be so hard on yourself. You are feeling a few weird and uncomfortable thoughts.  But be honest, with yourself. 

What did you want?
What did you expect?

I've done very much the same thing with past relationships and felt EXACTLY the same as you.  Sometimes though, it gave me a better idea of why we weren't together in a full relationship. 

I would advise talking it over here or with a friend, and really work out things before you start talking to her.

I hope I wasn't too harsh.

[WhoMe51]

ynwa,

No I don't think you are being too harsh.  To be honest, I don't know what I wanted or expected.  She acted like we hadn't had a break and I just went along with it.  When she brought up this guy, we were talking about the relationship.  We were talking about what we wanted and I told her that we needed to take it one step at a time.  She told me that she wanted a future with me like we had planned before.  We decided that we needed to go to counseling together to work some past issues out.  She had been going to counseling on her own since we split up.  She was seeing an EDMR therapist.  And it seemed to make a difference in her.  But then right after telling me that, she started talking about this guy.  I didn't know who or what she was talking about?  I asked her and she just kind of blew it off.  And now sometimes she won't answer her phone or she doesn't want me to come over some nights.  I don't know what's going on.  And this is when I start to wonder if she is seeing him too.  We haven't gone to a counselor yet because of the holidays.  Some days I want to be in the relationship but then others I don't.  I don't want to play games or be toyed with again.  I want to be able to trust her, but I don't know how to? The way she was talking about this new guy felt familiar again. 

[WhoMe51]

you know after reading what I have posted today, it just hit me.  I walked back into this relationship without really thinking about it.  I feel like I have been in a trance.  I almost feel like I'm in a state of panic and I feel like I am being held hostage(which I know I'm not) because she brought up this guy and I am afraid of not doing the right things once again.  I feel like if I do something wrong or I don't do something she wants me to do, then she will cheat and blame me for it.  So I feel like I am walking a tight rope and trying to keep something from happening that I have no control over. 

[ynwa]

Hey who,

You are definitely sounding a bit conflicted.  It sounds like you are putting it out there for yourself. 

You realize you need to be a little cautious with yourself?

What would you feel about giving it some space and time?   

Perhap what she is thinking and doing when not with you, isn't really your concern at this point?

[WhoMe51]

ynwa,

You are absolutely right.  I have been trying to control this relationship and I need to take a step back and let it play out.  She has been telling how much she loves me and I got my hopes up that things were going to be different.  But I have been judging present things by the past.  And I can't do that.  It's not fair to her or myself.  Thank you for your comments.