[... .] my niece (10) lied about a conversation she had with my D13 [... .]
If your niece DID lie: Would that explain the 'conflict-style' of your SIL, MIL, partner?
Isn't it likely, some dispute between the kids led to your niece 'jumping' to a 'bludgeon'-expression of her feelings aimed at maxium hurt, extreme separation etc - in other words she seems to be repeating what she is very likely having modelled by the two other (likely) BPD's in her near family (your SIL and MIL)?
Why take that bait in the first place?
Sure a mother gets stressed when her child gets stressed... .but this interaction style looks like BPD to me... .
Why not validate her (SIL) feelings about her daughters distress? That obviously does NOT mean you agree with any of her (SIL and nieces) conclusions or actions
My uBPDw has been reaching out attempting to smooth things over and make things right, even though it was not our child's fault.
Kids have conflict - I don't see where there would be any 'fault' be involved.
BTW: Fault (to me) points to a value statement. Action judged and found to be of poor moral and poor performance... .You can imagine how a pwBPD is going to like that... .
It is well know that my niece and her siblings are documented liars.
And if so? Can that not be said about practically every living person - so called 'elite' included?
To me this is a 'red herring', meant to distract.
It took me decades to realise: the fact of what ever is the matter is quite a separate thing, rarely matters to a pwBPD, will be severely distorted to the point of looking delusional. Its separate from what is at hand and the issue (always): the dysfunctional interaction-/ conflict-/ self-regulation- style of the pwBPD.
I 'blame' the FOG for not realising earlier (even though I have training in mental health mind you... .) hahaha... .
[... .] My problem is this... .my wife continues to call and try to make things right.
I realise its a very difficult situation for you, your wife and daughter.
Your experience with a pwBPD will tell you how their 'engagement'-style is likely going to be and (not) work out.
However: Why 'own' the problem beyond the fact that your are effected as father? It's neither your 'job' nor your responsibility - and for sure entirely futile - trying to 'fix' the engagement of (potentially) three borderliners (plus one in the making... .).
Protect your child emotionally, yourself, offer validation and emphatic listening to your partner.
The moment you try fixing (Oh man... .I can't tell you how 'guilty' I'm of that... .hahahaha) you just become another one trying to control her (your wife).
Your wife's issue here is not what happened on a factual level - I know it sounds counterintuitive - she doesn't need 'fixing'-advise, solutions etc. I bet she hates it... .
She cant handle the conflict and is acting out from a defence position.
And as you describe: you may be included into the circle of "others responsible for my misery" at any time - or become the target of emotional flooding ("just like you wont love me and show me love" and tons of falsities (you better don't react too... .).
It doesn't matter what exactly happens to be the trigger, the dysfunctional style of the pwBPD is triggered by all sorts of things, including their own internal world (nothing needs to necessarily have happened in 'real'/outside world).
[... .]
They completely control her life and they're stealing her life from her and me and the kids. Its like they playing a marionette and she has no control.
She sure feels that way - and you may too. Keep in mind though:
A feeling a) doesn't make something true, b) is an unreliable way of determining truth - but most importantly:
do you truely think her BPD-other-family could have any 'control' beyond what she/you is/are (likely unconsciously) willing to give them?
Isn't the hallmark of BPD the sense of "external locus of control"? All someone/ something elses 'fault', got nothing to do with me, manipulate, helpless victim and therefore I'm justified in trying to 'make you do things - or else... .' all the time?.
[... .] I am trying to figure out how I can get her to detach from them or just to let them be idiots on their own and she CANNOT CONTROL THE ACTIONS OF OTHERS AND THIS IS NOT ABOUT WHAT SHE HAS/HASNT DONE... .but its about my MIL and SIL and their reactions/actions. She wants to know why they keep doing this to her... .I have no answers. None. Any thoughts?
Personally I'd try to forget the idea 'I should make someone do X' - with best intentions of course.
Apart from trying to own something that isn't yours to begin with, you are almost guaranteed to fail, to be accused of controlling and on top you now have enabled another cycle of the 'dance of the BPD' having missed the fact that it isn't about the 'problem' (the facts of conflict in question) to begin with but being sucked into the 'loose - loose'-mode of fixing/ controlling/ acting out etc.
It does give you a great opportunity though:
If your wife asks 'why', you have permission to reflect on BPD-conflict style.
Keep in mind she will quickly pick up that all of this applies to her too.
You best to do some thinking how to 'break it down' into really small pieces... .
I have used that with some effect - my MIL has PTSD and massive, high functioning BPD traits as well as her daughter (my wife). You may be planting a seed. All the best.
