I can't bear the thought of leaving but...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I just don't know what to do.  I will try and keep this as brief as possible and still give the gist. I met my SO after my separation/divorce.  I have 2 sons, now 15 and 18.  I have been with her for 7 years, and the first 6 months were great, and then my eldest son started acting out.  He was 12 at the time.  Some of his actions were typical teenage stuff, some were not.  While he did put us through hell, my SO caused more than her share of drama.  I cannot even begin to explain the hell I have gone through, much of it caused by my SO.  While I did have trouble with my son, who did end up on probation for intentionally causing damage to her car, much of what happened was either indirectly caused by her or made much much worse by her actions and responses.  Nothing I did was right, no matter how hard I tried, and in her eyes my son was and is an evil piece of crap.  Our relationship has become more and more strained, more and more outbursts, fighting, etc... .  I didn't discover the books about borderline until fairly recently. I wish I had known some of the strategies sooner because I'm sure it is too late now.  She dumped me Wednesday night, and I cried all night, but she didn't leave, and Thursday morning maybe wasn't going to after all.  She gave me many reasons she shouldn't be with me, why we won't work, and everything wrong with me (nothing new for the last).  I think the only reason she is still around is she has nowhere to go right now.  I can count on one hand the amount of times she has complimented me, though she can be very generous at times in other ways.  I'm not trying to say she is a bad person.  Everyone she meets and works with thinks she is wonderful, and she is to them.  I just get the side they don't see.   I know I am jumping all over, but it is hard to pick out what to say when life has been chaos for 6+ years.  I know I should leave, but the thought is devastating to me.  Why can't I leave?  How can I leave?  It makes me heartsick.

[Frankiesgirl]

I just don't know what to do.  I will try and keep this as brief as possible and still give the gist. I met my SO after my separation/divorce.  I have 2 sons, now 15 and 18.  I have been with her for 7 years, and the first 6 months were great, and then my eldest son started acting out.  He was 12 at the time.  Some of his actions were typical teenage stuff, some were not.  While he did put us through hell, my SO caused more than her share of drama.  I cannot even begin to explain the hell I have gone through, much of it caused by my SO.  While I did have trouble with my son, who did end up on probation for intentionally causing damage to her car, much of what happened was either indirectly caused by her or made much much worse by her actions and responses.  Nothing I did was right, no matter how hard I tried, and in her eyes my son was and is an evil piece of crap.  Our relationship has become more and more strained, more and more outbursts, fighting, etc... .  I didn't discover the books about borderline until fairly recently. I wish I had known some of the strategies sooner because I'm sure it is too late now.  She dumped me Wednesday night, and I cried all night, but she didn't leave, and Thursday morning maybe wasn't going to after all.  She gave me many reasons she shouldn't be with me, why we won't work, and everything wrong with me (nothing new for the last).  I think the only reason she is still around is she has nowhere to go right now.  I can count on one hand the amount of times she has complimented me, though she can be very generous at times in other ways.  I'm not trying to say she is a bad person.  Everyone she meets and works with thinks she is wonderful, and she is to them.  I just get the side they don't see.   I know I am jumping all over, but it is hard to pick out what to say when life has been chaos for 6+ years.  I know I should leave, but the thought is devastating to me.  Why can't I leave?  How can I leave?  It makes me heartsick.

[Diggs]

Educate yourself. Learn about this very real disorder. You can't make it right. You can try to get her to get help. But, she is going to deny she has a problem. Those with BPD  do not see things in the same light as most normal people. Many times they can be naive in the ways of the world. They're thinking is black and white. You're either all good or, bad. You cannot win an argument with them. They will not see reason. If they are narcissistic as well, they will feel no empathy for the hurt they cause others. You cannot blame yourself. You care about her but, you cannot change her. Unless she gets help, your situation will not change. You have to decide whether you will stay in the situation or, leave for your own peace of mind. Yes, it's heartbreaking. Many of us have gone through the same thing. Someone with BPD can choose to get help. Yes, their brain works well enough to know when they do wrong. Yet, they cannot help themselves. They fight a constant battle within themselves. It is an ugly, ugly disorder. Yes, you are going to hurt. But, you have to decide to help yourself. Set boundaries. You do NOT have to take the abuse. You have a son that adds to your problems as well. You have to deal with that. There is no simple fix to this problem but, there is a fix. She has to want that on her own. You can try and help her. You will most likely notice many things wrong with her. All stemming from the disorder. Yet, to be sure of what exactly is what, she needs to see a licensed therapist and be diagnosed. Those most affected by this are those most intimate with the sufferer. Most people will not see that side. It's still real. There are many, many cases like yours. You are not alone. Educating yourself is the first step in coping. You will have to decide what is best for you. Do not let others tell you otherwise. I know your pain. I know the indecision. It will be hell. But now you can put a face to the problem. You can try and get her to recognize what is wrong. She may not know what it is though she suffers with it. Again, the mind isn't working right. Remember that while protecting yourself. You may need to leave to protect yourself. Don't let guilt rock you. You need to take care of you before you can care for another. She will say and do terrible things to hurt you. Understand what is causing it but, protect yourself. If you do decide to leave, it doesn't mean giving up. It means having peace of mind. Leaving isn't making things worse. She is the way she is. Neither of you asked for it. She will have these problems whether you're there or not. Sometimes, one has to hit rock-bottom before finally getting help. I won't tell you it's hopeless. Learn all you can so you can recognize the signs. Learn the triggers. You can support her but, you have to be firm. Period. Just don't let yourself get lost in the process. You can love someone without being in the midst of the chaos. It's not going to be easy. Find the best path for you. You are not alone.

[Larmoyant]

Hi frankiesgirl, and welcome to BPD family . It’s completely understandable that you don’t know what to do right now. You are in the middle of emotional chaos and when we’re in the thick of it, it’s hard to see a way out.

.Everyone she meets and works with thinks she is wonderful, and she is to them.  I just get the side they don't see.

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This is difficult to experience. As you read and learn more you will see that BPD manifests itself in intimate relationships. People with BPD find it hard to cope with intimacy and struggle with abandonment fears causing them to rage/devalue leading to push/pull behaviours that you are experiencing now. It’s why she dumped you on Wednesday then decided not to leave on Thursday. All the while you are left with feelings of confusion and pain. Not good for you or your children. Your youngest seems to have had a rough time too. I have boys myself and know how difficult they can be, but it sounds as if your girlfriend has been a negative influence on him and I imagine compounding your pain  

As for strategies, even if you did know them, there would be no guarantees that they would have worked. Learning about them however is a good idea, especially how to use boundaries. It’s never too late to employ boundaries and you can learn all about strategies/boundaries on here.

It’s good you reached out frankies girl. I relate to your pain, but keep reading and posting. It will all become clearer and clearer and when it does you'll come to a decision that's right for you and your family. As Diggs says you're not alone. We understand.