Exhausting

[Distress2000]

The very sudden mood swings are starling.  Does anyone know of a way, to have a love one who is clearly suffering from BPD, to even acknowledge they may have BPD?  Because if they never acknowledge they have a problem and continue to believe its not them but you;  it is unlikely thier behavior will change.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lockjaw]

I would recommend having a therapist trained in dealing with it tell them. I told my GF I thought she had it, and that did not go over, at all.

Actually I said, I think you have it, or at least traits of it.

[oshinko maki]

Does anyone know of a way, to have a love one who is clearly suffering from BPD, to even acknowledge they may have BPD?  Because if they never acknowledge they have a problem and continue to believe its not them but you;  it is unlikely thier behavior will change.

The person may never acknowledge it, even after a diagnosis.

However, admitting a label or its applicability may not be all-important.

Their behavior can still change to a meaningful degree as we grow less reactive and more mature or thoughtful in our responses. They would of course likely benefit much more from therapy, but this does not mean that even if they refuse therapy that their behavior can never improve.

Besides trying to be as mature as I can, I additionally work to minimize interaction with my wife with BPD, and during any interaction I try to keep in mind the ever-present danger she harbors so that I can help prevent myself from falling into a false sense of safety.

I should also note that I have gone through the exhaustion you mention for years. It can destroy your physical and mental health and age you fast. I hope you can find relief from it soon. A lot of advice on this site, and a therapist for yourself too could give help for how to handle the stress and prevent it.

[waverider]

The very sudden mood swings are starling.  Does anyone know of a way, to have a love one who is clearly suffering from BPD, to even acknowledge they may have BPD?  Because if they never acknowledge they have a problem and continue to believe its not them but you;  it is unlikely thier behavior will change.

 

welcome to the site Distress 2000

A time may come when that is possible, or it may not. In the meantime you need to work on how to handle it yourself so it has the least harmful affect on you and your interactions. What we can do is something within our control, what they do is not. So it is best to come to a real state of clarity and acceptance yourself.

If reach a point when she is willing to accept and work on it then you will be her main source of support, and it will be a long tough ride,. There is no magic fix once a diagnosis is received, in fact it can get a lot worse before it gets better.

to this end make the most of this site so that whatever the future brings you will be in the best condition to cope with it.

Are there any specific issues that are concerning you the most at the moment?

waverider

[isilme]

A big part of BPD is avoiding shame.  Shame at feeling responsible for actions, feelings, and how others view you.  Being told you may have a mental illness and need to seek help, telling them all the things they are blaming on you is their own fault for not being able to manage their own emotions is never going to go well for a pwBPD.  All you would be doing is heaping shame and fault on a person who cannot handle even small amounts of shame or fault.  Boom.  Explosion.  Really, really bad day/week/month.  And it will be dredged up forever that you tried to blame them for everything and your actual intent will be lost. 

That said, YOU can work on how you react, and how you deal with how BPD affects you, and truthfully and strangely, this can go a long way to making things work better.  I am co-dependent,  I spent 10 years puzzled by how my attempts to "fix" H's rage outbursts weren't working, how he could not appreciate my efforts to make him feel better.  Then, I learned I can't AMKE him anything.  All I can do is work on me, protect me, and in the process of working on me, he came along part of the way for the ride.  Instead of invalidating him to "defend" myself or my point of view I choose to simply not respond, or find a way to respond that does not invalidate his own feelings,  I recognize he can be pissy but I don't have to join in.  He is allowed to have his emotions, he's just not allowed to abuse me because of them.  I can leave the room, or even the house if needed, which seems to be such a big thing to do, but overall, it works. 

There is no magic fix-BPD therapy.  Some pwBPD will go, and ignore the therapist.  Some will go and just bash you the whole time.  Some will go once and claim the therapist is mean/crazy/wrong.  And some, very few, will be able to go and modify their behavior. 

YOU can go for some support and advice yourself.  You can look over the lessons and see what you can incorporate slowly into your life - like taking a break to not be there for the rage, making them deal with their runaway emotions on their own.  And doing so will actually make your pwBPD have to learn a few new coping skills over time, which is what really will help things improve. 

[Lockjaw]

They are masters at making themselves the victim too. They can be stone cold in the wrong, 100%, so busted its on the national news, and they would still find a way to make it someone else's fault.

It blows my mind and frustrates the ever loving crap out of me. If I am doing something wrong, and you ask me, I will admit it. Most of the time I will apologize for it. And if I pick a fight with you, and you come unglued and let me have it, my response is I got what I had coming. A BP will blame you for the fight THEY STARTED, and justify it because you were ugly to them.

You just cannot win like you could with a person who was halfway normal.

[waverider]

They are masters at making themselves the victim too. They can be stone cold in the wrong, 100%, so busted its on the national news, and they would still find a way to make it someone else's fault.

It blows my mind and frustrates the ever loving crap out of me. If I am doing something wrong, and you ask me, I will admit it. Most of the time I will apologize for it. And if I pick a fight with you, and you come unglued and let me have it, my response is I got what I had coming. A BP will blame you for the fight THEY STARTED, and justify it because you were ugly to them.

You just cannot win like you could with a person who was halfway normal.

My wife got busted on CTV by 3 separate pharmacies for shoplifting (ones that have her scripts and know her, dumb in itself). Yet still pays the "didn't do it" victim card, "they are all abusive bullies"

[Lockjaw]

Oh I hear that too. If she is in the wrong and I confront her on her behavior, and she denies it, and I won't let her off the hook, I am a bully.

Of course when she is fussing and yelling and ordering me around, its ok.

It really is frustrating. What so many people would see as obvious, they are oblivious to.